Dating outside your “career level”

[Anonymous]

Reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where a girl Jerry is dating tells him “I can’t be with someone if I don’t respect what they do.” And Jerry exclaims, “You’re a cashier!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So is she not there *yet*, or is it more like she's never gonna get to a high place in her career, or she just doesn't want to? Because that changes the answer, especially if she's a little younger. 33 and 36 are both mid-30s but those are clutch years for getting to the next level professionally.

There are plenty of women who want to work a lot and make money in their 20s and early 30s so that they can downshift when they have kids but maintain a high standard of living. And that is a very sensible and realistic plan IMO.

Your friend should take a long look in the mirror and say aloud "You're no great prize either, you know." He should then very seriously consider what it's like to be married to a woman with a high-level career and whether he is truly up for it. And what kind of parenting and family setting he wants for his kids if he does want kids. If he's not truly willing to do 50% (and with an ambitious wife, 50% will be a lot), then he should count his blessings, marry this woman, and be content.

I wasn’t aware people used the term “clutch” unironically.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a successful partner at a law firm. I met a nice woman who was a senior associate with unclear prospects. We had a great time, but the conversations kept veering into mentor-mentee territory. I hated that. We broke up pretty quickly.

And you’re on DC urban moms?

[Anonymous]

It's his choice. He can be a low attachment 2 career power couple with a nanny if they have kids, or I can go for a more traditional one career with mommy track.

[Anonymous]

In my current and past orgs, any moderately ambitious person with a strong work ethic is promoted past senior analyst by the time they are 5-7 years out of undergrad. So if she’s 10 years plus into her career, I can see that being somewhat of a red flag for him. It speaks to a mismatch in ambition and possibly in other characteristics he values.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a hard time believing high powered men actually want a high powered woman.

Some men want to double their own salary and still have the wife manage everything in the household, keep herself in shape and well-groomed, and be sexually available. And there are women who will attempt that.

Maybe some religious conservatives, but nobody should be dating them anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where does everyone stand on this? I have a very good friend who was fast tracked in his career and he met a girl who is still very junior. Let’s say same age, one’s a senior director and one’s a senior analyst. Both mid 30s, large fortune 100 companies.

I’ve never seen this guy so stoked over a girl, he barely dates and it’s usually a train wreck. His only holdup is that she’s just…not there with career which is a huge part of him. I told him he’s an idiot if that’s stopping him and not everyone cares about their career like he does, but I can’t force him to change his stance.

Is this weird or am I off base?

If this is going to be a cause of resentment once novelty wears off, don't push him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: In my current and past orgs, any moderately ambitious person with a strong work ethic is promoted past senior analyst by the time they are 5-7 years out of undergrad. So if she’s 10 years plus into her career, I can see that being somewhat of a red flag for him. It speaks to a mismatch in ambition and possibly in other characteristics he values.

He needs to ask himself if he truly does want what he "values". Because that kind of ambition comes with tradeoffs and expectations.

And he needs to ask himself if he's actually able to attract a more ambitious woman. They might not be interested in him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: In my current and past orgs, any moderately ambitious person with a strong work ethic is promoted past senior analyst by the time they are 5-7 years out of undergrad. So if she’s 10 years plus into her career, I can see that being somewhat of a red flag for him. It speaks to a mismatch in ambition and possibly in other characteristics he values.

He needs to ask himself if he truly does want what he "values". Because that kind of ambition comes with tradeoffs and expectations.

And he needs to ask himself if he's actually able to attract a more ambitious woman. They might not be interested in him.

Yea, women like that tend to date men who out warn them

[Anonymous]

A lot of men want a woman that will look up to them, make them feel needed, respected, important, and authoritative. Sometimes they have to look pretty far down to find that. You shouldn’t judge… this is more about them than it is about you. Why do you care so much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of men want a woman that will look up to them, make them feel needed, respected, important, and authoritative. Sometimes they have to look pretty far down to find that. You shouldn’t judge… this is more about them than it is about you. Why do you care so much?

This. Most ambitious men have extremely fragile egos and need a partner who can cater to that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of men want a woman that will look up to them, make them feel needed, respected, important, and authoritative. Sometimes they have to look pretty far down to find that. You shouldn’t judge… this is more about them than it is about you. Why do you care so much?

This reminds me of my DH's friend. A lawyer who went through a divorce from his *far more successful than he is* lawyer wife (they met in law school). The lawyer wife got beyond sick of his insecurity and failure and jealousy, and got a divorce. Anyone who has known him professionally is aware of his downward trajectory and he has settled into a gov position where he basically won't ever be fired. He had a new fiancé within a year of the divorce -- she is young, and not a lawyer. And very impressed that he is one. She thinks the shite job he has is important, because she doesn't know better. He had to "look pretty far down to find that" ... but find it he did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a hard time believing high powered men actually want a high powered woman.

Some men want to double their own salary and still have the wife manage everything in the household, keep herself in shape and well-groomed, and be sexually available. And there are women who will attempt that.

And some achieve that by outsourcing all the household chores, and expecting him to be an equal with kids and physical fitness. If my husband turned into one of the dough boys I work with, I'd definitely have an issue with that. I'm fit, attractive, successful, and I expect my equal to be the same - luckily he is!

My Doughboy colleagues have beautiful SAH wives or wives who have a subsidiary career so they take on 100% kid stuff. Most still outsource household chores.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a hard time believing high powered men actually want a high powered woman.

This. No man wants an equal. Too threatening.

Not true. There are some. Are you seriously claiming to speak for all men?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's his choice. He can be a low attachment 2 career power couple with a nanny if they have kids, or I can go for a more traditional one career with mommy track.

Not all high powered careers require parents to detach from family. This us a myth, perpetuated by Hollywood. There are plenty of attached high powered parents. They just have to prioritize family. Perhaps your spouse doesn't enjoy your family that much and submerged in work as a form if avoidance.