Avoidant Women

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When women actually are avoidant, how do they feel and behave?

I always find something wrong with a "candidate": too sensitive to music or not sensitive at all; too intense or not enough intensity; smokes; appears stingy; screamed when my cat jumped on his lap; didn't bring a bottle to dinner; didn't hold my hand when I felt emotional proximity; subtle signs of him seeing others. Anyway, each time with each man something seems to be wrong or stressful so I have an urge to run. I cannot even understand if it's me or them at this point. I live alone and prefer it that way. Sometimes I date but get bored with all the men very quickly and just ghost them or tell my old BF is back; or I am moving to a new city.

Is your old BF really back? I assume you aren't really moving to a new city.

Of course not. I never call back old BFs. I have several contacts in my Signal I have sexual exchanges and my toys. But my last relationship was a year ago, and I’m hopeful that I can still feel secure and committed if I meet the right person.
But yes, the very fact of men dating around, describing their past dating history pushes me away. As if he has a label after he shared.

Full commitment from the start and not being promiscuous and truly sincere is attractive to me. But it takes a lot of time to earn my trust.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m like those women. It’s usually because they say or do something that’s a red flag for me, and at this point in my life, I don’t want to waste my time explaining to them or giving them a chance.

Usually it’s not a major thing like they yelled at me or threw something. It’s more like, I just get an odd feeling in my gut over something they say.

It’s easier to just leave and end it than to try to explain or ignore it.

Yea, like we are sitting at a really nice jazz concert , and he doesn’t attempt to take my hand with tenderness. Then gets surprised why I don’t want to go out.
Because there are 5 other guys in line who do that, and also bring flowers to dates. No need to explain

Seriously? I think bringing flowers to dates is annoying. I have to carry them around all night and it’s like a huge sign blasting “I am on a DATE.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When women actually are avoidant, how do they feel and behave?

I always find something wrong with a "candidate": too sensitive to music or not sensitive at all; too intense or not enough intensity; smokes; appears stingy; screamed when my cat jumped on his lap; didn't bring a bottle to dinner; didn't hold my hand when I felt emotional proximity; subtle signs of him seeing others. Anyway, each time with each man something seems to be wrong or stressful so I have an urge to run. I cannot even understand if it's me or them at this point. I live alone and prefer it that way. Sometimes I date but get bored with all the men very quickly and just ghost them or tell my old BF is back; or I am moving to a new city.

Is your old BF really back? I assume you aren't really moving to a new city.

Of course not. I never call back old BFs. I have several contacts in my Signal I have sexual exchanges and my toys. But my last relationship was a year ago, and I’m hopeful that I can still feel secure and committed if I meet the right person.
But yes, the very fact of men dating around, describing their past dating history pushes me away. As if he has a label after he shared.

Full commitment from the start and not being promiscuous and truly sincere is attractive to me. But it takes a lot of time to earn my trust.

How can someone be fully committed at the start? They don’t even know you! You sound exhausting, and I say that as a woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m like those women. It’s usually because they say or do something that’s a red flag for me, and at this point in my life, I don’t want to waste my time explaining to them or giving them a chance.

Usually it’s not a major thing like they yelled at me or threw something. It’s more like, I just get an odd feeling in my gut over something they say.

It’s easier to just leave and end it than to try to explain or ignore it.

Yea, like we are sitting at a really nice jazz concert , and he doesn’t attempt to take my hand with tenderness. Then gets surprised why I don’t want to go out.
Because there are 5 other guys in line who do that, and also bring flowers to dates. No need to explain

Seriously? I think bringing flowers to dates is annoying. I have to carry them around all night and it’s like a huge sign blasting “I am on a DATE.”

It’s good that we don’t all want to date the same guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I noticed that you place the entire “problem” with the women you have been dating in them, with your “avoidant” adjective.

One must truly marvel at the male ego! 😂

A more humble man might ask if there was something wrong with him. But in your case, all of the blame is assumed to rest with the women you keep encountering.

I say this gently…. please consider therapy, so you can develop some self -awareness.

Right?! It's not "women avoid me". It's totally reframed to place responsibility off OP. Those women are "avoidant".

Nah, they're avoiding you. Jumping up to run out to avoid you, in fact. You'll need to get honest to figure out why. This is a you issue, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a divorced man and have been dating on and off for a few years. I keep running into avoidant women. These are women who seem very interested in me but then they disappear or slam on the breaks. They're not all avoidant in the same way. Some of them go to bed with me, very suddenly, and then disappear at least for a while. Over the years, a few of these women have practically sprinted out of my home after sex, even though they obviously liked it (an eventually wanted to do it again). Some women have gazed into my eyes like we are about to start the romance of the century, but then they shut everything down at exactly the moment when things would start to get physical. A couple of them told me they wanted to be "just friends" but then I later figured out that they were upset or hurt because I didn't keep pursuing them. (One of them told me this herself, a year after I got the "just friends" speech, and I heard it from the friend of the other one.) Some of these avoidant women are celibate but I think most of them probably aren't. I know a few just have secret or long distance romances with men who won't get too close. I thought men were supposed to be the avoidant ones...

You must give off creep vibes.

Womanizer, liar, alcoholic, misogynist, flakey. Pick your poison.

[Anonymous]

I'm surprised you keep running into so many. I have met only one that I know of during my lifetime. Took me 20 months to figure out what their problem was.
They are DA. I think I googled the problems and next thing I know, facebook throws DA videos at me. They kind of agreed saying that 'I have studied them', but then ran away instead of hearing it. Sent me them running away emoji.
Op, try getting love-bombed and then being discarded. I've never been so devastated in my life. At least now I know what I'm dealing with.
My DA is going nowhere. Nobody gives they as much space and good times as I do. I will get someone else if I get tired of this.
As for you, you came across as creepy and cocky to me. You better smell like roses in bed. If not, I know why one ran away.

[Anonymous]

I just dropped a guy I was really into because I could see he didn’t feel the same way. He is a good guy; if I had told him I wanted him to call/text more when we are apart (as one example) he probably would have tried but it would have been dutiful. I didn’t want to fall harder, so I left. I’m sure he’ll be great for someone that he’s really into, but I didn’t think it was me, so why hang around?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you come on too strong?

He is probably friendly and sincere enough to establish the beginnings of an emotional bond, comes on strongly on the second or third date, and then pulls back. Huge red flag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just dropped a guy I was really into because I could see he didn’t feel the same way. He is a good guy; if I had told him I wanted him to call/text more when we are apart (as one example) he probably would have tried but it would have been dutiful. I didn’t want to fall harder, so I left. I’m sure he’ll be great for someone that he’s really into, but I didn’t think it was me, so why hang around?

You didn’t even have one conversation about your preferences?? He can’t read your mind!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When women actually are avoidant, how do they feel and behave?

I always find something wrong with a "candidate": too sensitive to music or not sensitive at all; too intense or not enough intensity; smokes; appears stingy; screamed when my cat jumped on his lap; didn't bring a bottle to dinner; didn't hold my hand when I felt emotional proximity; subtle signs of him seeing others. Anyway, each time with each man something seems to be wrong or stressful so I have an urge to run. I cannot even understand if it's me or them at this point. I live alone and prefer it that way. Sometimes I date but get bored with all the men very quickly and just ghost them or tell my old BF is back; or I am moving to a new city.

Is your old BF really back? I assume you aren't really moving to a new city.

Of course not. I never call back old BFs. I have several contacts in my Signal I have sexual exchanges and my toys. But my last relationship was a year ago, and I’m hopeful that I can still feel secure and committed if I meet the right person.
But yes, the very fact of men dating around, describing their past dating history pushes me away. As if he has a label after he shared.

Full commitment from the start and not being promiscuous and truly sincere is attractive to me. But it takes a lot of time to earn my trust.

How can someone be fully committed at the start? They don’t even know you! You sound exhausting, and I say that as a woman.

I mean committed to his words (says he’ll call and he does call on time); behaviorally attuned (if he says he’s excited he actually behaves excited).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm surprised you keep running into so many. I have met only one that I know of during my lifetime. Took me 20 months to figure out what their problem was.
They are DA. I think I googled the problems and next thing I know, facebook throws DA videos at me. They kind of agreed saying that 'I have studied them', but then ran away instead of hearing it. Sent me them running away emoji.
Op, try getting love-bombed and then being discarded. I've never been so devastated in my life. At least now I know what I'm dealing with.
My DA is going nowhere. Nobody gives they as much space and good times as I do. I will get someone else if I get tired of this.
As for you, you came across as creepy and cocky to me. You better smell like roses in bed. If not, I know why one ran away.

What is DA?

[Anonymous]

If you are an avoidant woman, how should a man make you feel secure but not make you feel like he's coming in too strong? This reminds me of some other threads about exclusivity. Some women freak out if a man admits during the second one third day that he's also going on dates with other women, and they really freak out if he admits he's sleeping with other women. But other women freak out if a man says he deleted his dating app or wants to be exclusive after only a few dates.

[Anonymous]

You sound a little creepy to me tbh, I bet you get comfortable and let something, you see no issue with, slip out. It's a red flag you don't know you're flying. Do you make weird body comments, suggest weight loss, offer "constructive criticism" about their personality?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are an avoidant woman, how should a man make you feel secure but not make you feel like he's coming in too strong? This reminds me of some other threads about exclusivity. Some women freak out if a man admits during the second one third day that he's also going on dates with other women, and they really freak out if he admits he's sleeping with other women. But other women freak out if a man says he deleted his dating app or wants to be exclusive after only a few dates.

Very simple - being available over the weekend; plan activities in advance; following through on his words. Eg if we met on Saturday and agreed to meet next week I don’t expect him to call every day for several hours. But creating a pleasant presence/feeling/reliability that I’ve got his shoulder is nice. For example a nice short text in the evening checking on my day; reaching out mid next week over the phone to make plans. I get used to his presence and start trusting. Of course if he says he wants sex I should feel like it’s only with me he’s sleeping at that moment of time. I won’t ever get intimate if he’s inconsistent throughout the week (bait and switch tactics, playing games, lies etc). I have physical disgust even to kiss a guy if I feel he’s seeing others and I ask ahead of time.