Avoidant Women

[Anonymous]

You are attracted to women who leave you wanting more. You need to figure out if for some reason you feel more worthy by attempting the chase than being with someone who likes you for you.

[Anonymous]

I noticed that you place the entire “problem” with the women you have been dating in them, with your “avoidant” adjective.

One must truly marvel at the male ego! 😂

A more humble man might ask if there was something wrong with him. But in your case, all of the blame is assumed to rest with the women you keep encountering.

I say this gently…. please consider therapy, so you can develop some self -awareness.

[Anonymous]

This behavior from both men and women is more and more common. Anxiety has a lot to do with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hmm.... I don't think the issue is that they're avoidant. What the heck are you doing in bed??

Thanks for the vote of confidence. I do pretty good things in bed, I think. The most recent one who ran away after sex spent many hours in bed with me, and she told me I understood her body better than anyone she ever met. Earlier this year I did mess up in bed following sex. The woman told me "I love you" right after we had sex for the first time, and I am pretty sure I looked uncomfortable and didn't say "I love you back" right away.

Well, that is not messing up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It just sounds they are all dropping you as you are not particular vested into relationship. I’m like that myself (and generally was told I’m avoidant). The men I avoided were transactional, poor hygiene (I’m sensitive to smells); used pull in and push away tactics on me; appeared to be dating all over the place etc. One was too intense and needy (had to talk to me every day for hours and I got exhausted).

So I just drop at a minimum sign of a red flag that won’t make us compatible long term

OP here. This makes some sense. I'm not transactional and I have good hygiene, but i don't usually get exclusive very quickly. How do you get comfortable?

These women are deeply insecure and also likely popular with other men. You should make her feel both incredibly secure and desired, and at the same time not being too much.

Don’t jump from woman to woman. Know what you want and focus on the one you like best. Give that relationship a chance to develop

Sorry but when a cute woman of any age dates, she meets 4-5 decent guys every week. There is a guaranteed one who will want to be exclusive right away, and will outplay your attitude. She might sleep with you, but won’t bother wasting time if you don’t make her feel that same way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are attracted to women who leave you wanting more. You need to figure out if for some reason you feel more worthy by attempting the chase than being with someone who likes you for you.

No, it seems like he’s withholding affection himself. Men do need to make their intentions very clear first few months of dating game in order to get a woman. Especially if they want a model looking well-rounded type that everyone is chasing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone can be avoidant, dear. But have you considered the common denominator here?

Yes, I have considered the common denominator here. I think I am probably more attracted to avoidant women, unfortunately. I tend not to get as excited about non-avoidant women. The strange thing is that I sometimes haven't actually noticed the women's avoidant tendencies until I've known them for a while. How quickly can you tell a woman is avoidant? By the way, I don't think these have been the ordinary kind of "she's not that into you" situations. The "she's not that into you" situations don't usually involve the kind of chemistry I'm talking about.

I'm hoping some avoidant women will respond here.

They’re not avoidant - they are likely independent, somewhat introverted, and maybe a bit reserved at first.

You are craving the challenge, not the women themselves. And they figure it out. The chemistry doesn’t matter if you aren’t into them the way they want you to be.

This is me, plus I entered mid-life post-divorce dating without a lot of dating experience. I let things move quickly a few times and then slammed on the brakes when I realized that where things were headed physically was out of sync with what I saw for the potential long-term connection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m like those women. It’s usually because they say or do something that’s a red flag for me, and at this point in my life, I don’t want to waste my time explaining to them or giving them a chance.

Usually it’s not a major thing like they yelled at me or threw something. It’s more like, I just get an odd feeling in my gut over something they say.

It’s easier to just leave and end it than to try to explain or ignore it.

Yea, like we are sitting at a really nice jazz concert , and he doesn’t attempt to take my hand with tenderness. Then gets surprised why I don’t want to go out.
Because there are 5 other guys in line who do that, and also bring flowers to dates. No need to explain

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did this once to a guy I had known and liked for a long time. The reason was a subtle shift in the vibe - he seemed too emotionally detached in the heat of the moment. I wasn’t ok with that, so I shut it down.

This is me, too.

I’m actually not avoidant, more anxious. If I sense that the other person is not really all in I will not sleep with them. I am ok to keep seeing them but the longer they dither, date/sleep with others, seem emotionally distant or in their thoughts, the more I lose interest. I am definitely willing to connect and want to connect deeply. Just not with someone who isn’t really available.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When women actually are avoidant, how do they feel and behave?

I always find something wrong with a "candidate": too sensitive to music or not sensitive at all; too intense or not enough intensity; smokes; appears stingy; screamed when my cat jumped on his lap; didn't bring a bottle to dinner; didn't hold my hand when I felt emotional proximity; subtle signs of him seeing others. Anyway, each time with each man something seems to be wrong or stressful so I have an urge to run. I cannot even understand if it's me or them at this point. I live alone and prefer it that way. Sometimes I date but get bored with all the men very quickly and just ghost them or tell my old BF is back; or I am moving to a new city.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When women actually are avoidant, how do they feel and behave?

I always find something wrong with a "candidate": too sensitive to music or not sensitive at all; too intense or not enough intensity; smokes; appears stingy; screamed when my cat jumped on his lap; didn't bring a bottle to dinner; didn't hold my hand when I felt emotional proximity; subtle signs of him seeing others. Anyway, each time with each man something seems to be wrong or stressful so I have an urge to run. I cannot even understand if it's me or them at this point. I live alone and prefer it that way. Sometimes I date but get bored with all the men very quickly and just ghost them or tell my old BF is back; or I am moving to a new city.

Is your old BF really back? I assume you aren't really moving to a new city.

[Anonymous]

The reason there are so many of them out there is because it’s their avoidance that makes them unattached and available to date despite being attractive to you. If they weren’t avoidant they would have already been scooped up.

Watch some of these Paulien Timmer videos — it’s a whole thing. Plus so much about the “ick” factor.

https://www.youtube.com/@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870/videos

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did this once to a guy I had known and liked for a long time. The reason was a subtle shift in the vibe - he seemed too emotionally detached in the heat of the moment. I wasn’t ok with that, so I shut it down.

This is me, too.

I’m actually not avoidant, more anxious. If I sense that the other person is not really all in I will not sleep with them. I am ok to keep seeing them but the longer they dither, date/sleep with others, seem emotionally distant or in their thoughts, the more I lose interest. I am definitely willing to connect and want to connect deeply. Just not with someone who isn’t really available.

Yes. And my experience has been that the guy has no clue he is like this and will just keep trying and trying to replicate what he felt with whomever without addressing the root problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When women actually are avoidant, how do they feel and behave?

I always find something wrong with a "candidate": too sensitive to music or not sensitive at all; too intense or not enough intensity; smokes; appears stingy; screamed when my cat jumped on his lap; didn't bring a bottle to dinner; didn't hold my hand when I felt emotional proximity; subtle signs of him seeing others. Anyway, each time with each man something seems to be wrong or stressful so I have an urge to run. I cannot even understand if it's me or them at this point. I live alone and prefer it that way. Sometimes I date but get bored with all the men very quickly and just ghost them or tell my old BF is back; or I am moving to a new city.

Classic commitment phobia.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you come on too strong?