Avoidant Women

[Anonymous]

I'm a divorced man and have been dating on and off for a few years. I keep running into avoidant women. These are women who seem very interested in me but then they disappear or slam on the breaks. They're not all avoidant in the same way. Some of them go to bed with me, very suddenly, and then disappear at least for a while. Over the years, a few of these women have practically sprinted out of my home after sex, even though they obviously liked it (an eventually wanted to do it again). Some women have gazed into my eyes like we are about to start the romance of the century, but then they shut everything down at exactly the moment when things would start to get physical. A couple of them told me they wanted to be "just friends" but then I later figured out that they were upset or hurt because I didn't keep pursuing them. (One of them told me this herself, a year after I got the "just friends" speech, and I heard it from the friend of the other one.) Some of these avoidant women are celibate but I think most of them probably aren't. I know a few just have secret or long distance romances with men who won't get too close. I thought men were supposed to be the avoidant ones...

[Anonymous]

Anyone can be avoidant, dear. But have you considered the common denominator here?

[Anonymous]

Hmm.... I don't think the issue is that they're avoidant. What the heck are you doing in bed??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone can be avoidant, dear. But have you considered the common denominator here?

Yes, I have considered the common denominator here. I think I am probably more attracted to avoidant women, unfortunately. I tend not to get as excited about non-avoidant women. The strange thing is that I sometimes haven't actually noticed the women's avoidant tendencies until I've known them for a while. How quickly can you tell a woman is avoidant? By the way, I don't think these have been the ordinary kind of "she's not that into you" situations. The "she's not that into you" situations don't usually involve the kind of chemistry I'm talking about.

I'm hoping some avoidant women will respond here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hmm.... I don't think the issue is that they're avoidant. What the heck are you doing in bed??

Not this PP, but this is a good question. The wording here: “sprinted out of my home after sex” makes me wonder.

[Anonymous]

Do you have kids who live at home with you? Do these three women?

[Anonymous]

It just sounds they are all dropping you as you are not particular vested into relationship. I’m like that myself (and generally was told I’m avoidant). The men I avoided were transactional, poor hygiene (I’m sensitive to smells); used pull in and push away tactics on me; appeared to be dating all over the place etc. One was too intense and needy (had to talk to me every day for hours and I got exhausted).

So I just drop at a minimum sign of a red flag that won’t make us compatible long term

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hmm.... I don't think the issue is that they're avoidant. What the heck are you doing in bed??

Thanks for the vote of confidence. I do pretty good things in bed, I think. The most recent one who ran away after sex spent many hours in bed with me, and she told me I understood her body better than anyone she ever met. Earlier this year I did mess up in bed following sex. The woman told me "I love you" right after we had sex for the first time, and I am pretty sure I looked uncomfortable and didn't say "I love you back" right away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It just sounds they are all dropping you as you are not particular vested into relationship. I’m like that myself (and generally was told I’m avoidant). The men I avoided were transactional, poor hygiene (I’m sensitive to smells); used pull in and push away tactics on me; appeared to be dating all over the place etc. One was too intense and needy (had to talk to me every day for hours and I got exhausted).

So I just drop at a minimum sign of a red flag that won’t make us compatible long term

OP here. This makes some sense. I'm not transactional and I have good hygiene, but i don't usually get exclusive very quickly. How do you get comfortable?

[Anonymous]

They are "avoidant" of you, anyway. Something is wrong, and it is unlikely that that thing is them being "avoidant."

[Anonymous]

I did this once to a guy I had known and liked for a long time. The reason was a subtle shift in the vibe - he seemed too emotionally detached in the heat of the moment. I wasn’t ok with that, so I shut it down.

[Anonymous]

I’m like those women. It’s usually because they say or do something that’s a red flag for me, and at this point in my life, I don’t want to waste my time explaining to them or giving them a chance.

Usually it’s not a major thing like they yelled at me or threw something. It’s more like, I just get an odd feeling in my gut over something they say.

It’s easier to just leave and end it than to try to explain or ignore it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone can be avoidant, dear. But have you considered the common denominator here?

Yes, I have considered the common denominator here. I think I am probably more attracted to avoidant women, unfortunately. I tend not to get as excited about non-avoidant women. The strange thing is that I sometimes haven't actually noticed the women's avoidant tendencies until I've known them for a while. How quickly can you tell a woman is avoidant? By the way, I don't think these have been the ordinary kind of "she's not that into you" situations. The "she's not that into you" situations don't usually involve the kind of chemistry I'm talking about.

I'm hoping some avoidant women will respond here.

I’m not sure the question you are asking of avoidant women? Sounds like you are asking some questions from men who have encountered avoidant women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone can be avoidant, dear. But have you considered the common denominator here?

Yes, I have considered the common denominator here. I think I am probably more attracted to avoidant women, unfortunately. I tend not to get as excited about non-avoidant women. The strange thing is that I sometimes haven't actually noticed the women's avoidant tendencies until I've known them for a while. How quickly can you tell a woman is avoidant? By the way, I don't think these have been the ordinary kind of "she's not that into you" situations. The "she's not that into you" situations don't usually involve the kind of chemistry I'm talking about.

I'm hoping some avoidant women will respond here.

They’re not avoidant - they are likely independent, somewhat introverted, and maybe a bit reserved at first.

You are craving the challenge, not the women themselves. And they figure it out. The chemistry doesn’t matter if you aren’t into them the way they want you to be.

[Anonymous]

When women actually are avoidant, how do they feel and behave?