When you don't like your AC's significant other for trivial reasons

[Anonymous]

Just want to warn the OP to make sure that if she has other kids and likes their spouses better, that she doesn't play favorites. My parents were much more generous to my brother's family and I think a lot of it was that they prefer my SIL. She's of the same social class, same background ethnically and they feel more comfortable with her. As a result they spend much more time with my brother's family, their kids, etc.

[Anonymous]

She should continue to get to know them, in tolerable doses. Over time she may acclimate or find a way to moderate the issue. I have a very different personality than my in-laws. I love them, but it’s hard for me to spend long periods of time with them. Early on, my spouse assured them that I really do like them and that they are welcome at our home.
However, they should not take it personally or assume we have issues in our marriage if I don’t stay up late talking every night or participate in every excursion. I think communication is key.

[Anonymous]

How perfect your sister, her son and rest of the family is? Do they have any physical, medical, mental, functional, financial, sexual, behavioral or any other human weaknesses at all that might rub wrong for GF or her family or is it just divine perfection?

Is he a hot successful billionaire who is keeping his GF on a gilded pedestal in a multimillion mansion with expensive cars, live in maids and designer goodies and a no limit credit card?

Seriously, women needs to be grateful for her son's good luck to have a sincere and kind partner who even tolerates a judgmental jerk like OP.

[Anonymous]

Kindly tell your "sister" (ahem) to eff off. She's a world class jerk with a stick up her a$$.

- Parent of a wonderful theater kid with an over the top personality

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How perfect your sister, her son and rest of the family is? Do they have any physical, medical, mental, functional, financial, sexual, behavioral or any other human weaknesses at all that might rub wrong for GF or her family or is it just divine perfection?

Is he a hot successful billionaire who is keeping his GF on a gilded pedestal in a multimillion mansion with expensive cars, live in maids and designer goodies and a no limit credit card?

Seriously, women needs to be grateful for her son's good luck to have a sincere and kind partner who even tolerates a judgmental jerk like OP.

*Sorry meant OP's sister. OP sounds different and can be a positive influence on her sister.

[Anonymous]

I saw that OP mentioned that this poor SO has lost both of her parents, presumably at a young age, and is looking for a way to create a feeling of family.

I’d say that your sister should double down on being inclusive and kind. OP’s sister is being given the gift of a future DIL who wants to be involved and close to her future in-laws. This is a unique opportunity and SIL would be foolish (and unkind) to squander it.

I remember how much my own parents guided me as I learned to navigate my own difficult in-laws and my heart aches for this SO without that familiar support of her own. To have the maturity to appreciate that familial closeness even if she can’t have it herself is a sign of her own quality and openness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just want to warn the OP to make sure that if she has other kids and likes their spouses better, that she doesn't play favorites. My parents were much more generous to my brother's family and I think a lot of it was that they prefer my SIL. She's of the same social class, same background ethnically and they feel more comfortable with her. As a result they spend much more time with my brother's family, their kids, etc.

That's often an issue. Usually all experiments are done on first DIL, next ones get so much unfair and unearned leverage which creates resentment to already stretched strings.

[Anonymous]

I’m an extrovert and I used to think that my introverted SIL was boring and bland. Turns out, those same qualities have made her dependable and loyal. She’s the rock of our whole family now. It took me years to truly value her, but now I am so glad that she’s a part of my family. We will never be best friends, but I trust her when it comes to big stuff (e.g. she stepped up to handle a ton of details when my father passed away and just quietly took care of so much stuff without ever seeking recognition. I’ll always be grateful to her.). I often tell her how much I appreciate her.

I hope that your sister learns to see the wonderful qualities in her son’s partner over the long haul. It’s fun when someone is your type of person, but it’s more important that they’re a good, solid, kind person.

[Anonymous]

I am glad she is recognizing to work on this.

My FIL is very difficult and our relationship has very much deterioriated because he does not like me. I get along with everyone else, but unfortunately we have little in common and I believe he does not like me for my race and being "uppity" (educated), which I cannot change. I have tried my best but I hit my point that I don't want to spend time with him anymore.

[Anonymous]

There is only so much an inexperienced young woman can bring to the plate, its on family's shoulders to make them feel valued and appreciated instead of making them feel overwhelmed and stressed.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Not much of an update really. My sister did say she is going to do that whole "write down 3 positives" after each visit. Well, mentally write them down. As an aside, and I haven't really mentioned this to my sister yet, but I do think part of the issue is that she really, really liked AC's ex. They just got along really well and I think she has a lot less in common with this SO and add to that the personality differences. Personally, I think this SO is a better match with AC.

I'm not sure why everyone assumed the genders here. I had tried to avoid pronouns to keep answers from changing based on gender. FWIW, they are both male.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Not much of an update really. My sister did say she is going to do that whole "write down 3 positives" after each visit. Well, mentally write them down. As an aside, and I haven't really mentioned this to my sister yet, but I do think part of the issue is that she really, really liked AC's ex. They just got along really well and I think she has a lot less in common with this SO and add to that the personality differences. Personally, I think this SO is a better match with AC.

I'm not sure why everyone assumed the genders here. I had tried to avoid pronouns to keep answers from changing based on gender. FWIW, they are both male.

That explains it all. Being a self centered person, she wants her son to pick person of her choice not his own choosing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I were in the the parent's shoes, I would talk to my child and explain that I am very, very happy that my child is happy and that I think that they've found a great partner. But I would say that I get overwhelmed by the partner, so I can only handle a certain amount of time and then need some alone time.

This is a textbook example of how ILs cause rift between couples. You need to fix yourself instead of trying to fix or eliminate others.

There’s nothing to fix. I wouldn’t say anything, but being an introvert is not a character flaw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I were in the the parent's shoes, I would talk to my child and explain that I am very, very happy that my child is happy and that I think that they've found a great partner. But I would say that I get overwhelmed by the partner, so I can only handle a certain amount of time and then need some alone time.

This is a textbook example of how ILs cause rift between couples. You need to fix yourself instead of trying to fix or eliminate others.

There’s nothing to fix. I wouldn’t say anything, but being an introvert is not a character flaw.

By fixing yourself I didn't mean to change herself but to learn to embrace her DIL as she is, imperfect like every human but great in so many ways. Focusing on her flaws and sharing it with others isn't healthy. Why ruin their happiness, cause a rift and creat stress? Be great full for good fortune of your child for having a good partner in life's tough journey.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Not much of an update really. My sister did say she is going to do that whole "write down 3 positives" after each visit. Well, mentally write them down. As an aside, and I haven't really mentioned this to my sister yet, but I do think part of the issue is that she really, really liked AC's ex. They just got along really well and I think she has a lot less in common with this SO and add to that the personality differences. Personally, I think this SO is a better match with AC.

I'm not sure why everyone assumed the genders here. I had tried to avoid pronouns to keep answers from changing based on gender. FWIW, they are both male.

She is neither a good MIL nor a good mother because she is making it about herself, instead of keeping it about her son and the person he loves and who loves him back.