When you don't like your AC's significant other for trivial reasons

[Anonymous]

FIRST.. .

I am posting for my sister. She doesn't want to risk anyone finding that she posted (just being extra paranoid). I told her I'd post and relay messages and her responses. Anyways...on to the post

Her child is getting very serious with their SO. Really, SO other is great. Kind, polite, great job, respectful, and they are very clearly in love. But they have a personality that just grates on my sister and she struggles to spend long periods of time with them. Think someone very extroverted and the other is an introvert. Or kind of that theater kid over the top personality. Everything is just big emotions and exuberant. She has no other way to describe it. I think she's hoping people will get what she means. So if anyone has BTDT and just struggled with their AC's SO for no real reason, any advice?

[Anonymous]

Your sister isn't marrying that person. Her child clearly likes their SO. MYOB. Love their child and maintain the relationship. If your sister is a judge-y @$$hole, she is going to ruin her relationship with her child.

[Anonymous]

My sister had issues with how her son’s GF set the table. I think she figured the girl wasn’t from the right background.
After spending a lot of time with her, she got over it and really likes the girl. Give it time.

[Anonymous]

She should focus on the fact that her child found someone that makes them happy. Agree with pp MYOB!

[Anonymous]

My SIL is a lovely woman whose personality is hard for me to take in large doses. She's extremely upbeat, abhors silence as much as my 5 year old daughter, and has a very LOUD speaking voice (originally from the Wisconsin - just nasally and projects to the back of the theater at all times). So being around her is like being at a Tony Robbins seminar or something, just a constant loud stream of positivity aimed at everyone and no one.

But she's seriously kind, an amazing mother, and has made my brother a better person. You have to focus on the good and not sweat the small stuff.

[Anonymous]

If I were in the the parent's shoes, I would talk to my child and explain that I am very, very happy that my child is happy and that I think that they've found a great partner. But I would say that I get overwhelmed by the partner, so I can only handle a certain amount of time and then need some alone time. I can't imagine my child would have reached adulthood without realize that I was introverted and had troubles taking a large amount of extroverted behavior, so this should not be a surprise. Then say that you want to be as encouraging and supportive as possible, so that they should not take your need for breaks to be anything other than a little personal care for myself.

I, myself, am an extrovert, who comes from a family of extroverts. My spouse, however, is an introvert from a family of introverts. We've handled this issue for nearly 25 years. The point is that everyone understands that each person is an individual and has to take care of themselves and that the means by which they do so are not commentary or issues with other people or ways of handling things. My spouse will take breaks from my family and go to the bedroom and read. If I am tired of the quiet and solitude of family doing their own thing, then I head out and go someplace where there is more activity going on. I used to just take the kids out to the playground or to a movie or out for ice cream just to get out of the house of people just sitting around quietly. And we've all made it work and we all understand each other and we all adapt to being supportive of each other in our own way without judgment.

Be honest a out what you want and need and then work with the family members to find a way for everyone to be comfortable.

[Anonymous]

she struggles to spend long periods of time with them

Perfect. She should not be spending "long periods" of time with them!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I were in the the parent's shoes, I would talk to my child and explain that I am very, very happy that my child is happy and that I think that they've found a great partner. But I would say that I get overwhelmed by the partner, so I can only handle a certain amount of time and then need some alone time. I can't imagine my child would have reached adulthood without realize that I was introverted and had troubles taking a large amount of extroverted behavior, so this should not be a surprise. Then say that you want to be as encouraging and supportive as possible, so that they should not take your need for breaks to be anything other than a little personal care for myself.

I, myself, am an extrovert, who comes from a family of extroverts. My spouse, however, is an introvert from a family of introverts. We've handled this issue for nearly 25 years. The point is that everyone understands that each person is an individual and has to take care of themselves and that the means by which they do so are not commentary or issues with other people or ways of handling things. My spouse will take breaks from my family and go to the bedroom and read. If I am tired of the quiet and solitude of family doing their own thing, then I head out and go someplace where there is more activity going on. I used to just take the kids out to the playground or to a movie or out for ice cream just to get out of the house of people just sitting around quietly. And we've all made it work and we all understand each other and we all adapt to being supportive of each other in our own way without judgment.

Be honest an out what you want and need and then work with the family members to find a way for everyone to be comfortable.

I would worry that her child will opt to spend less time with her if she says anything. I think it’s better for the parent to grin and bear it and hope it becomes less grating over time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:FIRST.. .

I am posting for my sister. She doesn't want to risk anyone finding that she posted (just being extra paranoid). I told her I'd post and relay messages and her responses. Anyways...on to the post

Her child is getting very serious with their SO. Really, SO other is great. Kind, polite, great job, respectful, and they are very clearly in love. But they have a personality that just grates on my sister and she struggles to spend long periods of time with them. Think someone very extroverted and the other is an introvert. Or kind of that theater kid over the top personality. Everything is just big emotions and exuberant. She has no other way to describe it. I think she's hoping people will get what she means. So if anyone has BTDT and just struggled with their AC's SO for no real reason, any advice?

Your sister will break them up, he'll resent her, would end up with someone he'll be unhappy with and your sister'll be annoyed with. Does she understand how difficult dating world is? Statistically, he is more likely to end up with a narcissistic, shallow, gold digger than someone your sister would be happy with.

Why is this her decision to begin with? Why is she spending so much time with the couple and trying to nitpick? This had toxic MIL return all over it. That poor girl should run.

[Anonymous]

Why whole extended family is involved in a couple's relationship? Are you Indian? Family enmeshment needs counseling. What sort of mental health issues run in your family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I were in the the parent's shoes, I would talk to my child and explain that I am very, very happy that my child is happy and that I think that they've found a great partner. But I would say that I get overwhelmed by the partner, so I can only handle a certain amount of time and then need some alone time.

This is a textbook example of how ILs cause rift between couples. You need to fix yourself instead of trying to fix or eliminate others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I were in the the parent's shoes, I would talk to my child and explain that I am very, very happy that my child is happy and that I think that they've found a great partner. But I would say that I get overwhelmed by the partner, so I can only handle a certain amount of time and then need some alone time. I can't imagine my child would have reached adulthood without realize that I was introverted and had troubles taking a large amount of extroverted behavior, so this should not be a surprise. Then say that you want to be as encouraging and supportive as possible, so that they should not take your need for breaks to be anything other than a little personal care for myself.

I, myself, am an extrovert, who comes from a family of extroverts. My spouse, however, is an introvert from a family of introverts. We've handled this issue for nearly 25 years. The point is that everyone understands that each person is an individual and has to take care of themselves and that the means by which they do so are not commentary or issues with other people or ways of handling things. My spouse will take breaks from my family and go to the bedroom and read. If I am tired of the quiet and solitude of family doing their own thing, then I head out and go someplace where there is more activity going on. I used to just take the kids out to the playground or to a movie or out for ice cream just to get out of the house of people just sitting around quietly. And we've all made it work and we all understand each other and we all adapt to being supportive of each other in our own way without judgment.

Be honest a out what you want and need and then work with the family members to find a way for everyone to be comfortable.

Def not this. I think most ppl would then come around less if they knew you didn't like being around their SO/spouse. And just b/c you feel something (esp something this minor -which this is) doesn't mean you have to verbalize it. Once it's out, it's out.

Just get to know the SO more. Find the positive attributes, including that your child is happy. And if you need a break from them, take a break. But as someone said on here "this is not an airport, you do not need to announce your departure" or the reasons therefore. Just take your break. And grow up a little, please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

she struggles to spend long periods of time with them

Perfect. She should not be spending "long periods" of time with them!

This^. Find a hobby and stop hovering around them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your sister isn't marrying that person. Her child clearly likes their SO. MYOB. Love their child and maintain the relationship. If your sister is a judge-y @$$hole, she is going to ruin her relationship with her child.

Either ruin child's relationship with her or his GF with her controlling and meddling nature.

[Anonymous]

Op here. A few things.

1. I'm not involved at all beyond posting for her. I like the SO.

2. She said thank you to 1528. The bluntness was a good wake up call to how things can turn out. Last thing she wants to do is make AC break up with SO.

3. They do weekly family dinners. Both ACs come with their SO. SO in this case lost both their parents and has commented how AC is lucky to have a close knit family.

4. She has no plans to bring it up with AC. It's a little more nuanced than a simple introvert vs extrovert so I don't think AC has really picked up on it.

5. She said she'll just work on herself and try to ignore the things she finds annoying. Kind of what 1416 said