When you don't like your AC's significant other for trivial reasons

[Anonymous]

She needs to make a concerted effort to focus on the positive things that she likes about the SO. Like, after every family meal, write 3 things that are good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She needs to make a concerted effort to focus on the positive things that she likes about the SO. Like, after every family meal, write 3 things that are good.

Op here. Oh this is a great idea. Thanks!

[Anonymous]

OP, give your nephew a favor and keep your sister and rest of the clan out of this relationship. He doesn't need mommy's critical eye to find and magnify every tiny flaw.

How would you feel if families of BFs/husbands of your daughters or nieces treated them in similar manner?

[Anonymous]

I always focus on the person I'm closest to's happiness. Are they kind, helpful and a great person to them? Great! That's all you need to know. You just let the rest roll like water off a duck's back.

I had difficult inlaws. I just focused on "they raised a kind, loving son" and "they make my husband so happy." I think I grated on my inlaws. I was just different than them. Everything got easier when we all could focus on the grandkids instead of each other.

[Anonymous]

Is she herself a perfect human with no flaws? Is there a pattern of easily getting annoyed with you, her mother, MIL and SILs?

If there is a pattern then recommend a therapist. If not then she is only getting cold feet and would get over it.

Some women are never ready to share their sons with other women and their sons are destined to get divorced or become miserable buffers between unhappy moms and wives.

[Anonymous]

I would add that if she thinks she is hiding her feelings, then she's probably wrong.

For some reason, my MIL didn't really like me. Everyone in our generation saw it; even after we were married many years, all of the women in the family would get a gift, except me. She would hang the family picture that everyone but me in it. She was always nice and polite to me, but her feelings were obvious. It really hurt at first until I finally let it go. Now, years later, we get along fine, and I just let whatever annoys me flow on by.

A couple of years ago my MIL's husband passed away. My H was talking with her after and she mentioned how she has never really liked husband's son-in-law. My H was like, yeah...we all know that. She was SHOCKED that we all saw...she thought she hid it so well. My H almost said something to her about me but it wasn't the right time. But my point is, no matter how much you think you hide it, people pick up on stuff. So it would be better to work on things from the inside out (looking for the positives, etc) rather than just trying to fake it.

[Anonymous]

This^. If you think you are quietly accessing her, may be your son or GF can read into it and are quietly distressed about it. May be you are no joy to be around either and they are quietly tolerating you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Her child is getting very serious with their SO. Really, SO other is great. Kind, polite, great job, respectful, and they are very clearly in love.

If my son was in love and getting very serious with their great, kind, polite, respectful SO who was very clearly in love with them and had a great job, I would be feeling absolutely grateful and happy, not trying to break them up because of my mental hang ups. Just look up relationship forum and see how difficult it is to find and keep sincere and compatible partners.

[Anonymous]

Two sisters who were family friends were shocked, shocked! when their brother married someone totally different from them. Sounds healthy to me.

[Anonymous]

Love is a decision, choose to love whomever your child chooses to love. Be grateful if your son or daughter finds a decent partner, help them celebrate their love and build their life together.

You don't know if you'll even be alive next year or not. Don't be the mother who wants to mold her child's life to fit her own needs and agenda. That's not only unhealthy but really sad.

[Anonymous]

It's possible that SO having kids someday will tamp down the excess energy.

People don't change their core personality much but maturity does settle people a little.

Maybe SO is on her best peppy behavior because that's how her female relatives try to make friends. Being a guest at a boyfriend's house is a weird, intermediate kind of relationship.

If this girl is good at/particularly likes certain guest-shared household tasks when visiting, deploy tasks strategically...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I were in the the parent's shoes, I would talk to my child and explain that I am very, very happy that my child is happy and that I think that they've found a great partner. But I would say that I get overwhelmed by the partner, so I can only handle a certain amount of time and then need some alone time. I can't imagine my child would have reached adulthood without realize that I was introverted and had troubles taking a large amount of extroverted behavior, so this should not be a surprise. Then say that you want to be as encouraging and supportive as possible, so that they should not take your need for breaks to be anything other than a little personal care for myself.

I, myself, am an extrovert, who comes from a family of extroverts. My spouse, however, is an introvert from a family of introverts. We've handled this issue for nearly 25 years. The point is that everyone understands that each person is an individual and has to take care of themselves and that the means by which they do so are not commentary or issues with other people or ways of handling things. My spouse will take breaks from my family and go to the bedroom and read. If I am tired of the quiet and solitude of family doing their own thing, then I head out and go someplace where there is more activity going on. I used to just take the kids out to the playground or to a movie or out for ice cream just to get out of the house of people just sitting around quietly. And we've all made it work and we all understand each other and we all adapt to being supportive of each other in our own way without judgment.

Be honest a out what you want and need and then work with the family members to find a way for everyone to be comfortable.

Don't do this. AC will choose spouse over mother, then mother will have plenty of time to NOT spend with her AC's family. Also, AC will tell spouse and spouse might never get over it, hold a grudge. Very small percentage chance anything good comes out of addressing it.

[Anonymous]

If your son is in love with a great person who is kind, helpful, loving and will be a good spouse, you suck it up. Think happy thoughts. We all know moms of sons don't get to see grandkids as much. You have to be nice to the mother of your future grandkids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I were in the the parent's shoes, I would talk to my child and explain that I am very, very happy that my child is happy and that I think that they've found a great partner. But I would say that I get overwhelmed by the partner, so I can only handle a certain amount of time and then need some alone time.

This is a textbook example of how ILs cause rift between couples. You need to fix yourself instead of trying to fix or eliminate others.

Wow, and agreed. Addressing this will absolutely backfire on OP's sister. It shows that that the sister cares more about herself than her son and his happiness.

OP, tell your sister she needs to make peace with her son's choice if she wants to be a part of their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Don't do this. AC will choose spouse over mother, then mother will have plenty of time to NOT spend with her AC's family. Also, AC will tell spouse and spouse might never get over it, hold a grudge. Very small percentage chance anything good comes out of addressing it.

This^ and it would also cause unnecessary stress for AC and GC. Such a @ick move to put baggage of your issues on their shoulders.