When you don't like your AC's significant other for trivial reasons

[Anonymous]

His girlfriend is younger than your sister and in fertile years and he adores her. On a subconscious level, that makes her competition. Fathers do it too, regarding boyfriends of their daughters. It's something buried deep into the human psyche. On a conscious level, your sister may think that she's the only woman who will be good enough for her baby and worthy of his love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:His girlfriend is younger than your sister and in fertile years and he adores her. On a subconscious level, that makes her competition. Fathers do it too, regarding boyfriends of their daughters. It's something buried deep into the human psyche. On a conscious level, your sister may think that she's the only woman who will be good enough for her baby and worthy of his love.

I'll never understand people who post without bothering to read the thread. Op says it is two men.

[Anonymous]

Lots of MIL don't love their SIL or DIL and there are many new husbands / wives who don't love their in-laws.

In-laws in both directly are complicated relationships as joining a well established family or welcoming someone really different into your family often iisn't easy.

My family was a quiet, studious, emotionally suppressed family who plays board games and trivia at family get togethers. Both my brothers married very emotional, extroverted, non intellectual women who couldn't be more different from my family (which may be what attracted them to them). It takes time to figure out how to manage these relationships. We had to change our family get togethers as my SIL would cry if we played board games or trivia. She had to learn that we aren't cold hearted because we don't cry a lot. Over the years as people join the family, the family changes. It isn't that people are good or bad - but really different people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:His girlfriend is younger than your sister and in fertile years and he adores her. On a subconscious level, that makes her competition. Fathers do it too, regarding boyfriends of their daughters. It's something buried deep into the human psyche. On a conscious level, your sister may think that she's the only woman who will be good enough for her baby and worthy of his love.

I'll never understand people who post without bothering to read the thread. Op says it is two men.

Gender isn't important here, relationship dynamics is. I'll never understand people who read but don't comprehend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lots of MIL don't love their SIL or DIL and there are many new husbands / wives who don't love their in-laws.

In-laws in both directly are complicated relationships as joining a well established family or welcoming someone really different into your family often iisn't easy.

My family was a quiet, studious, emotionally suppressed family who plays board games and trivia at family get togethers. Both my brothers married very emotional, extroverted, non intellectual women who couldn't be more different from my family (which may be what attracted them to them). It takes time to figure out how to manage these relationships. We had to change our family get togethers as my SIL would cry if we played board games or trivia. She had to learn that we aren't cold hearted because we don't cry a lot. Over the years as people join the family, the family changes. It isn't that people are good or bad - but really different people.

This^. You are taking on one person, that person is taking on your whole family which is overwhelming, confusing and stressful. They weren't raised like you were or you raised yours. Be sincere and supportive.

[Anonymous]

When, five years from now, your sister asks you to post in the family relationships forum as the millionth hurt-feelings MIL who has “NO IDEA” why her child isn’t closer to her, why she isn’t getting grandparent time, etc. please refer her to this thread.

[Anonymous]

You should give a child's spouse same selfless love and supportive care as you gave to your own child for 18 years before expecting them to value you as a parent figure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When, five years from now, your sister asks you to post in the family relationships forum as the millionth hurt-feelings MIL who has “NO IDEA” why her child isn’t closer to her, why she isn’t getting grandparent time, etc. please refer her to this thread.

This^ and poisoning your kid's mind with your judgmental thoughts is a basically an attempt to ruin their feelings for each other. Its a disservice to your child, their spouse AND even your future grandchildren because everyone suffers the repercussions of your "innocent" suggestions.

Even if OP's sister isn't saying anything to her son or his SO, she is discussing it with OP and more than likely with her husband, her other child and may be her parents too so painting an unfavorable picture to taint whole family's perception of this young SO from very beginning and opening the door for everyone to feel free to judge the SO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I were in the the parent's shoes, I would talk to my child and explain that I am very, very happy that my child is happy and that I think that they've found a great partner. But I would say that I get overwhelmed by the partner, so I can only handle a certain amount of time and then need some alone time. I can't imagine my child would have reached adulthood without realize that I was introverted and had troubles taking a large amount of extroverted behavior, so this should not be a surprise. Then say that you want to be as encouraging and supportive as possible, so that they should not take your need for breaks to be anything other than a little personal care for myself.

I, myself, am an extrovert, who comes from a family of extroverts. My spouse, however, is an introvert from a family of introverts. We've handled this issue for nearly 25 years. The point is that everyone understands that each person is an individual and has to take care of themselves and that the means by which they do so are not commentary or issues with other people or ways of handling things. My spouse will take breaks from my family and go to the bedroom and read. If I am tired of the quiet and solitude of family doing their own thing, then I head out and go someplace where there is more activity going on. I used to just take the kids out to the playground or to a movie or out for ice cream just to get out of the house of people just sitting around quietly. And we've all made it work and we all understand each other and we all adapt to being supportive of each other in our own way without judgment.

Be honest an out what you want and need and then work with the family members to find a way for everyone to be comfortable.

I would worry that her child will opt to spend less time with her if she says anything. I think it’s better for the parent to grin and bear it and hope it becomes less grating over time.

+1

No way she should say anything. As an adult, you learn to deal with people who are not "perfect " matches for you. Suck it up, be friendly and open up to your kid's SO. If you want to spend time with your grandkids in the future, you should do this. Otherwise, they might just decide it's not worth spending time with you if you are so judgey

IMO, you only talk to your kid about a SO if you see major red flags, and even then you must tread lightly and not push your kid towards that and to turn away from you. But for minor shit, you act like an adult and be happy your kid has found a great person who makes them
so happy

[Anonymous]

My son's girlfriend (of four years) is short - barely 5 feet tall

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:FIRST.. .

I am posting for my sister. She doesn't want to risk anyone finding that she posted (just being extra paranoid). I told her I'd post and relay messages and her responses. Anyways...on to the post

Her child is getting very serious with their SO. Really, SO other is great. Kind, polite, great job, respectful, and they are very clearly in love. But they have a personality that just grates on my sister and she struggles to spend long periods of time with them. Think someone very extroverted and the other is an introvert. Or kind of that theater kid over the top personality. Everything is just big emotions and exuberant. She has no other way to describe it. I think she's hoping people will get what she means. So if anyone has BTDT and just struggled with their AC's SO for no real reason, any advice?

Really stupid caveat and easy way to out your sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

she struggles to spend long periods of time with them

Perfect. She should not be spending "long periods" of time with them!

This. Exactly this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My SIL is a lovely woman whose personality is hard for me to take in large doses. She's extremely upbeat, abhors silence as much as my 5 year old daughter, and has a very LOUD speaking voice (originally from the Wisconsin - just nasally and projects to the back of the theater at all times). So being around her is like being at a Tony Robbins seminar or something, just a constant loud stream of positivity aimed at everyone and no one.

But she's seriously kind, an amazing mother, and has made my brother a better person. You have to focus on the good and not sweat the small stuff.

Hahah this is so funny! But also, are you me!?!?

[Anonymous]

Agreed with all the people saying your sister has to suck it up and really hide her feelings. Don't get involved.

Does this SO have a personality that will change when with fewer people? Like, he may be super extroverted when he's with the entire family but when he is with one person (an introvert at that), he'll calm down a bit and not be so introverted?

If that's the case, could your sister and SO do something 1 on 1 so she can get to know him when he isn't so BIG! personality wise?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why whole extended family is involved in a couple's relationship? Are you Indian? Family enmeshment needs counseling. What sort of mental health issues run in your family?

Please stop with the racist Indian comments. This board is filled with them lately. I can’t figure out if it’s just one person who hates Indian people or several. Next time you post a comment using a stereotype or negative bias about Indians, please ask yourself if you would write it using “Black” to identify the race. If that makes you uncomfortable, please just delete your sentence.