Strategies for marriage to DH with ADHD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Life overwhelms them. Not much can help, just keep their life be try simple, low demands, low expectations.
It’s an invisibility disability if untreated or the person doesn’t care.

Or does nothing to manage their symptoms and then turns around and plays the victim.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pill holder with beeping alarm, go nurse ratchet if you have to
smart watch
Calendar everything
DH only drives himself not the kids

If it helps you, it's on to have separate social lives and do a lot of self care

I have ADHD and don't need any of this. I drive kid to school and pick up everyday. Handle all appointments. Make all travel plans. Pills made me hollow and soulless. I have a ton of calls and appointments for work and rarely use calendar, never am late or miss appointments. We are very social and I have a productive morning routine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pill holder with beeping alarm, go nurse ratchet if you have to
smart watch
Calendar everything
DH only drives himself not the kids

If it helps you, it's on to have separate social lives and do a lot of self care

I have ADHD and don't need any of this. I drive kid to school and pick up everyday. Handle all appointments. Make all travel plans. Pills made me hollow and soulless. I have a ton of calls and appointments for work and rarely use calendar, never am late or miss appointments. We are very social and I have a productive morning routine.

cool, then why or how did you get DX'd if you dont have symptoms or treatment?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pill holder with beeping alarm, go nurse ratchet if you have to
smart watch
Calendar everything
DH only drives himself not the kids

If it helps you, it's on to have separate social lives and do a lot of self care

I have ADHD and don't need any of this. I drive kid to school and pick up everyday. Handle all appointments. Make all travel plans. Pills made me hollow and soulless. I have a ton of calls and appointments for work and rarely use calendar, never am late or miss appointments. We are very social and I have a productive morning routine.

Cool cool you do you
Thanks very helpful

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pill holder with beeping alarm, go nurse ratchet if you have to
smart watch
Calendar everything
DH only drives himself not the kids

If it helps you, it's on to have separate social lives and do a lot of self care

I have ADHD and don't need any of this. I drive kid to school and pick up everyday. Handle all appointments. Make all travel plans. Pills made me hollow and soulless. I have a ton of calls and appointments for work and rarely use calendar, never am late or miss appointments. We are very social and I have a productive morning routine.

One of the PPs. I’m almost certain you are a woman. It could be due to social conditioning, but ND women perform better than their male counterparts with the same DX.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think there’s a solution to fix an ND male and NT female relationship that doesn’t result in bitterness and resentment. Many men are already conditioned to have poor executive functioning skills and they simply lack empathy. When you add a diagnosis and children who are most likely afflicted with the same condition, it’s just too much to handle. You basically have a parentalized relationship versus an equal marriage and there’s nothing less romantic.

Not true for me, and I’ve been happily married for twenty years. He hyperfocuses at work and is super productive, and I’m type A and ridiculously organized in the home which is exactly how I like it. Works for us. Don’t generalize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How recently did he start the medication?

Sometimes the medication enables the person to learn better skills and ways of relating, but they still do have to learn it and that's a process. The medication is only the first step in the process.

Is your therapist someone who's good with ADHD marriages? If not, I would look for a different therapist with specifically that interest.

There are a lot of marriage articles here.
https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-marriage-advice-husband-symptoms/

NP, and I am the spouse of someone with ADHD. I hated this article because it puts so much onus on the non-ADHD spouse. I’ve tried patience and schedules and organization and now I feel major resentment toward my spouse.

OP here. I feel this big time.

Imagine being the non-ADHD spouse but actually having ADD as well and still being in charge because you created systems and learned new skills while your partner only has enough brain power to get through work. Its incredibly frustrating and yes, there have been plenty of times on the weekends where mid-day and he cant function in a meaningful way and hes like ohh I didnt take my meds.

You cant just take the medicine and everything gets better. You have to figure out systems and routines. The medicine isnt going to close the cupboards or put away glasses. You have to say mantras all day like dont put down, put away and make new brain pathways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pill holder with beeping alarm, go nurse ratchet if you have to
smart watch
Calendar everything
DH only drives himself not the kids

If it helps you, it's on to have separate social lives and do a lot of self care

I have ADHD and don't need any of this. I drive kid to school and pick up everyday. Handle all appointments. Make all travel plans. Pills made me hollow and soulless. I have a ton of calls and appointments for work and rarely use calendar, never am late or miss appointments. We are very social and I have a productive morning routine.

One of the PPs. I’m almost certain you are a woman. It could be due to social conditioning, but ND women perform better than their male counterparts with the same DX.

Women across the board are more compliant, invested patients. Meaning they don’t reject diagnoses, instead they explore them and put in the effort to self improve. Sometimes it’s due to the demands of mothering, and it’s usually due to being more self critical and aware. Ie if 5+ separate people told you the same constructive criticism you’d probably do something to fix it.

Males, on the other hand, reject the Dx, reject the rx, and would rather hit the Eject button routinely, than do the self improvement work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think there’s a solution to fix an ND male and NT female relationship that doesn’t result in bitterness and resentment. Many men are already conditioned to have poor executive functioning skills and they simply lack empathy. When you add a diagnosis and children who are most likely afflicted with the same condition, it’s just too much to handle. You basically have a parentalized relationship versus an equal marriage and there’s nothing less romantic.

Not true for me, and I’ve been happily married for twenty years. He hyperfocuses at work and is super productive, and I’m type A and ridiculously organized in the home which is exactly how I like it. Works for us. Don’t generalize.

As you know, you can’t drop comments like the above and not specify if you work full time, if you have kids if you have local grandparent or daily Nannie’s/housekeeper.

Either way, at least adhd doesn’t also result in having a lonely, neglected NT spouse, like an ASD one would have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How recently did he start the medication?

Sometimes the medication enables the person to learn better skills and ways of relating, but they still do have to learn it and that's a process. The medication is only the first step in the process.

Is your therapist someone who's good with ADHD marriages? If not, I would look for a different therapist with specifically that interest.

There are a lot of marriage articles here.
https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-marriage-advice-husband-symptoms/

NP, and I am the spouse of someone with ADHD. I hated this article because it puts so much onus on the non-ADHD spouse. I’ve tried patience and schedules and organization and now I feel major resentment toward my spouse.

OP here. I feel this big time.

Imagine being the non-ADHD spouse but actually having ADD as well and still being in charge because you created systems and learned new skills while your partner only has enough brain power to get through work. Its incredibly frustrating and yes, there have been plenty of times on the weekends where mid-day and he cant function in a meaningful way and hes like ohh I didnt take my meds.

You cant just take the medicine and everything gets better. You have to figure out systems and routines. The medicine isnt going to close the cupboards or put away glasses. You have to say mantras all day like dont put down, put away and make new brain pathways.

Too much work. Mom will do that for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think there’s a solution to fix an ND male and NT female relationship that doesn’t result in bitterness and resentment. Many men are already conditioned to have poor executive functioning skills and they simply lack empathy. When you add a diagnosis and children who are most likely afflicted with the same condition, it’s just too much to handle. You basically have a parentalized relationship versus an equal marriage and there’s nothing less romantic.

Not true for me, and I’ve been happily married for twenty years. He hyperfocuses at work and is super productive, and I’m type A and ridiculously organized in the home which is exactly how I like it. Works for us. Don’t generalize.

As you know, you can’t drop comments like the above and not specify if you work full time, if you have kids if you have local grandparent or daily Nannie’s/housekeeper.

The entire post I was replying to was a generalization! That was exactly what I was saying, you can’t generalize. People’s circumstances are different but of course marriages can survive a ND-NT pairing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think there’s a solution to fix an ND male and NT female relationship that doesn’t result in bitterness and resentment. Many men are already conditioned to have poor executive functioning skills and they simply lack empathy. When you add a diagnosis and children who are most likely afflicted with the same condition, it’s just too much to handle. You basically have a parentalized relationship versus an equal marriage and there’s nothing less romantic.

Not true for me, and I’ve been happily married for twenty years. He hyperfocuses at work and is super productive, and I’m type A and ridiculously organized in the home which is exactly how I like it. Works for us. Don’t generalize.

As you know, you can’t drop comments like the above and not specify if you work full time, if you have kids if you have local grandparent or daily Nannie’s/housekeeper.

The entire post I was replying to was a generalization! That was exactly what I was saying, you can’t generalize. People’s circumstances are different but of course marriages can survive a ND-NT pairing.

Sorry I did t catch that. Do you work FT? Do you have kids to raise? Do you have family help or Nanny or housekeepers come multiple times a week?

All we know is you’re Type A, organized, and married to an ADHD male. And that you do everything and only except him to go to work/supply a paycheck/ tag along with what you’ve done in the homefront.

You were replying to the common phenomenon of how male adhd spouses create a Parent/child dynamic in their male where their Nt spouse does everything and merely allows them to “be a good student at work.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think there’s a solution to fix an ND male and NT female relationship that doesn’t result in bitterness and resentment. Many men are already conditioned to have poor executive functioning skills and they simply lack empathy. When you add a diagnosis and children who are most likely afflicted with the same condition, it’s just too much to handle. You basically have a parentalized relationship versus an equal marriage and there’s nothing less romantic.

Not true for me, and I’ve been happily married for twenty years. He hyperfocuses at work and is super productive, and I’m type A and ridiculously organized in the home which is exactly how I like it. Works for us. Don’t generalize.

As you know, you can’t drop comments like the above and not specify if you work full time, if you have kids if you have local grandparent or daily Nannie’s/housekeeper.

The entire post I was replying to was a generalization! That was exactly what I was saying, you can’t generalize. People’s circumstances are different but of course marriages can survive a ND-NT pairing.

Sorry I did t catch that. Do you work FT? Do you have kids to raise? Do you have family help or Nanny or housekeepers come multiple times a week?

All we know is you’re Type A, organized, and married to an ADHD male. And that you do everything and only except him to go to work/supply a paycheck/ tag along with what you’ve done in the homefront.

You were replying to the common phenomenon of how male adhd spouses create a Parent/child dynamic in their male where their Nt spouse does everything and merely allows them to “be a good student at work.”

Oh my gosh. This is me. ADHD DH (diagnosed but doesn't really believe it's an "actual thing" and certainly will not consider meds) makes a lot of money working for self. Hyperfocused when under pressure and can sure pull a rabbit out of a hat. I am SAHM who, upon recent reflection, has been mothering DH since I met him (organizing, reminding, supporting, etc.)

I have great executive functioning skills and take care of all the details with kids and house down to DH's closet, choosing clothes, provisioning food, toiletries etc. As kids have gotten older, I have become more annoyed with DH's lack of willingness to learn new habits (i.e. cleaning up after himself) because it sets a bad example for kids, some of whom are also ADHD. Also, it's depressing to think that I will be picking up after someone for the rest of my life.

Flip side, as stated before, DH makes great money and I don't have to work. (Wouldn't really work out with the amount of work I have at home.). DH is kind, generous, prioritizes family and is good dad. DH is also late, lost, unprepared, messy, and has many a constantly revolving door of time-consuming hobbies that provide novel experiences. We have had house-keeping and babysitting as I felt I needed it. DH has always been very generous about me having the support I need if we can hire it.

I'm trying to help ADHD kids develop some habits so they can be easier to live with someday.

Is it an ideal situation? No, but is any long term marriage without its challenges?

[Anonymous]

No kids --> Get out

Yes kids --> Good luck.
Them: meds, exec functioning and ADHD therapist
You: Get a support system, educate yourself on it, hire out help for everything for 20+ years, monitor your kids for it, open the marriage, go on work travel, solo travel, friend travel, tell your close friends and family what you're going through. eg we only travel with other families so I get more help and less frustrated

[Anonymous]

wait, that was for the autism spectrum poster.

ADHD is a walk in the park and more treatable than ASD.