Strategies for marriage to DH with ADHD

[Anonymous]

This^. Its one thing to be a parent to your kids but another to be a parent to your spouse. However, what's the solution?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think there’s a solution to fix an ND male and NT female relationship that doesn’t result in bitterness and resentment. Many men are already conditioned to have poor executive functioning skills and they simply lack empathy. When you add a diagnosis and children who are most likely afflicted with the same condition, it’s just too much to handle. You basically have a parentalized relationship versus an equal marriage and there’s nothing less romantic.

Agree.


And this has been well covered in years of previous NT + ADHD/ASD posts.

Save yourself and kid OP. Spouse will have to figure his own way and try to minimize his mishaps and the family’s reliance on him for anything.

[Anonymous]

Go out with your own friends more.

Never quit your day job and career.

More meds for adhd spouse

Read all about it. Until it all starts repeating

Join a support group and vent and exchange nites

Detach from expecting a normal anything

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think there’s a solution to fix an ND male and NT female relationship that doesn’t result in bitterness and resentment. Many men are already conditioned to have poor executive functioning skills and they simply lack empathy. When you add a diagnosis and children who are most likely afflicted with the same condition, it’s just too much to handle. You basically have a parentalized relationship versus an equal marriage and there’s nothing less romantic.

ADHD is too wide of a spectrum, your generalization only applies to a small percentage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think there’s a solution to fix an ND male and NT female relationship that doesn’t result in bitterness and resentment. Many men are already conditioned to have poor executive functioning skills and they simply lack empathy. When you add a diagnosis and children who are most likely afflicted with the same condition, it’s just too much to handle. You basically have a parentalized relationship versus an equal marriage and there’s nothing less romantic.

ADHD is too wide of a spectrum, your generalization only applies to a small percentage.

It’s an accurate statement. ND is a broad term.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think there’s a solution to fix an ND male and NT female relationship that doesn’t result in bitterness and resentment. Many men are already conditioned to have poor executive functioning skills and they simply lack empathy. When you add a diagnosis and children who are most likely afflicted with the same condition, it’s just too much to handle. You basically have a parentalized relationship versus an equal marriage and there’s nothing less romantic.

ADHD is too wide of a spectrum, your generalization only applies to a small percentage.

It’s an accurate statement. ND is a broad term.

Regardless, one the ADHD’ers is chronically dysfunctional, there are layers of problems - at work, at home, with parenting, with the marriage.

So while people (and activists) like to say everyone in this and everything is a spectrum, dysfunction is clearly dysfunction. And those dysfunctional symptoms need to be treated and managed.

So if you pass the dysfunctional bar on the “spectrum,” get professional help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think there’s a solution to fix an ND male and NT female relationship that doesn’t result in bitterness and resentment. Many men are already conditioned to have poor executive functioning skills and they simply lack empathy. When you add a diagnosis and children who are most likely afflicted with the same condition, it’s just too much to handle. You basically have a parentalized relationship versus an equal marriage and there’s nothing less romantic.

ADHD is too wide of a spectrum, your generalization only applies to a small percentage.

It’s quite genetic and the role modeling from the adhd parent may also augment the adhd child’s symptoms, habits, and responses- and not to the good.

Thus the % of NT spouses “sandwiched” between an adhd spouse and adhd child is not small, it’s actually high as well as very high amongst families with one Dx.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This^. Its one thing to be a parent to your kids but another to be a parent to your spouse. However, what's the solution?

Leave. Why would you want to stay in a marriage where you are the parent of your spouse? How could that be fulfilling?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How recently did he start the medication?

Sometimes the medication enables the person to learn better skills and ways of relating, but they still do have to learn it and that's a process. The medication is only the first step in the process.

Is your therapist someone who's good with ADHD marriages? If not, I would look for a different therapist with specifically that interest.

There are a lot of marriage articles here.
https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-marriage-advice-husband-symptoms/

NP, and I am the spouse of someone with ADHD. I hated this article because it puts so much onus on the non-ADHD spouse. I’ve tried patience and schedules and organization and now I feel major resentment toward my spouse.

OP here. I feel this big time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How recently did he start the medication?

Sometimes the medication enables the person to learn better skills and ways of relating, but they still do have to learn it and that's a process. The medication is only the first step in the process.

Is your therapist someone who's good with ADHD marriages? If not, I would look for a different therapist with specifically that interest.

There are a lot of marriage articles here.
https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-marriage-advice-husband-symptoms/

NP, and I am the spouse of someone with ADHD. I hated this article because it puts so much onus on the non-ADHD spouse. I’ve tried patience and schedules and organization and now I feel major resentment toward my spouse.

Your scheduling style and your origination style may not work them. And the ADHD spouses style may not work for you. And then inevitably what happens is that they are overwhelmed by feeling an obligation to acknowledge and accept your style while their brain is forcing them to use their own style. Your style is different and their style is different, that's ok. There doesn't have to be a right and wrong.

[Anonymous]

Oh please.

Work with a doctor if you need way for your “style” to pick up after yourself, be on time, read & process emails, etc.

Work with a professional to craft systems that work for you, your adhd, and your “style.”

[Anonymous]

Here’s what our therapist said to the NT:
Do not twist yourself into a pretzel to accommodate dysfunction.

[Anonymous]

Life overwhelms them. Not much can help, just keep their life be try simple, low demands, low expectations.
It’s an invisibility disability if untreated or the person doesn’t care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People don't want ADHD so blaming them is of no use. Be a team and make it work or walk out if you can't handle it. Hating and resenting them isn't going to help you or them.

This. An ADHD spouse is very familiar with condescending attitudes, hate, and resentment. Eventually they will tire of you and completely shut you out or impulsively file for divorce seemingly out of nowhere.

[Anonymous]

Pill holder with beeping alarm, go nurse ratchet if you have to
smart watch
Calendar everything
DH only drives himself not the kids

If it helps you, it's on to have separate social lives and do a lot of self care