Strategies for marriage to DH with ADHD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think there’s a solution to fix an ND male and NT female relationship that doesn’t result in bitterness and resentment. Many men are already conditioned to have poor executive functioning skills and they simply lack empathy. When you add a diagnosis and children who are most likely afflicted with the same condition, it’s just too much to handle. You basically have a parentalized relationship versus an equal marriage and there’s nothing less romantic.

Not true for me, and I’ve been happily married for twenty years. He hyperfocuses at work and is super productive, and I’m type A and ridiculously organized in the home which is exactly how I like it. Works for us. Don’t generalize.

As you know, you can’t drop comments like the above and not specify if you work full time, if you have kids if you have local grandparent or daily Nannie’s/housekeeper.

The entire post I was replying to was a generalization! That was exactly what I was saying, you can’t generalize. People’s circumstances are different but of course marriages can survive a ND-NT pairing.

Sorry I didn't catch that. Do you work FT? Do you have kids to raise? Do you have family help or Nanny or housekeepers come multiple times a week?

All we know is you’re Type A, organized, and married to an ADHD male. And that you do everything and only expect him to go to work/supply a paycheck/ tag along with what you’ve done in the homefront.

You were replying to the common phenomenon of how male adhd spouses create a Parent/child dynamic in their marriage where their Nt spouse does everything and merely allows them to “be a good student at work.”

Above is all true. However I would SAH if the ADHD spouse actively acknowledged my doing everything on the homefront and was constantly thankful and grateful. If he was not, I'd be out of there, with the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think there’s a solution to fix an ND male and NT female relationship that doesn’t result in bitterness and resentment. Many men are already conditioned to have poor executive functioning skills and they simply lack empathy. When you add a diagnosis and children who are most likely afflicted with the same condition, it’s just too much to handle. You basically have a parentalized relationship versus an equal marriage and there’s nothing less romantic.

Not true for me, and I’ve been happily married for twenty years. He hyperfocuses at work and is super productive, and I’m type A and ridiculously organized in the home which is exactly how I like it. Works for us. Don’t generalize.

As you know, you can’t drop comments like the above and not specify if you work full time, if you have kids if you have local grandparent or daily Nannie’s/housekeeper.

The entire post I was replying to was a generalization! That was exactly what I was saying, you can’t generalize. People’s circumstances are different but of course marriages can survive a ND-NT pairing.

Sorry I didn't catch that. Do you work FT? Do you have kids to raise? Do you have family help or Nanny or housekeepers come multiple times a week?

All we know is you’re Type A, organized, and married to an ADHD male. And that you do everything and only expect him to go to work/supply a paycheck/ tag along with what you’ve done in the homefront.

You were replying to the common phenomenon of how male adhd spouses create a Parent/child dynamic in their marriage where their Nt spouse does everything and merely allows them to “be a good student at work.”

Above is all true. However I would SAH if the ADHD spouse actively acknowledged my doing everything on the homefront and was constantly thankful and grateful. If he was not, I'd be out of there, with the kids.

So... outsource all the major household work. One advantage about ADHD spouses is they make good money when they are interested in their job. Seems you don't appreciate his strengths and are shocked he doesn't appreciate you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think there’s a solution to fix an ND male and NT female relationship that doesn’t result in bitterness and resentment. Many men are already conditioned to have poor executive functioning skills and they simply lack empathy. When you add a diagnosis and children who are most likely afflicted with the same condition, it’s just too much to handle. You basically have a parentalized relationship versus an equal marriage and there’s nothing less romantic.

Not true for me, and I’ve been happily married for twenty years. He hyperfocuses at work and is super productive, and I’m type A and ridiculously organized in the home which is exactly how I like it. Works for us. Don’t generalize.

As you know, you can’t drop comments like the above and not specify if you work full time, if you have kids if you have local grandparent or daily Nannie’s/housekeeper.

The entire post I was replying to was a generalization! That was exactly what I was saying, you can’t generalize. People’s circumstances are different but of course marriages can survive a ND-NT pairing.

Sorry I didn't catch that. Do you work FT? Do you have kids to raise? Do you have family help or Nanny or housekeepers come multiple times a week?

All we know is you’re Type A, organized, and married to an ADHD male. And that you do everything and only expect him to go to work/supply a paycheck/ tag along with what you’ve done in the homefront.

You were replying to the common phenomenon of how male adhd spouses create a Parent/child dynamic in their marriage where their Nt spouse does everything and merely allows them to “be a good student at work.”

Above is all true. However I would SAH if the ADHD spouse actively acknowledged my doing everything on the homefront and was constantly thankful and grateful. If he was not, I'd be out of there, with the kids.

So... outsource all the major household work. One advantage about ADHD spouses is they make good money when they are interested in their job. Seems you don't appreciate his strengths and are shocked he doesn't appreciate you.

Lol. I work fulltime, with a ton of men in private equity. so his deficiencies stick out big time.

Besides, how can someone be thankful for anything on the homefront if they’re so self absorbed and ignorant they don’t even know it exists or assume everything is easy peasy?

Also his 40+ yo brother also has adhd, doesn’t work, lives with his parents age 40+. So no, adhd does equal income or job.
Same with FIL, adhd, pushed out of academia and working at age 50, MIL Penny pinched her whole married life. Luckily she inherited $1m, but after the kids were in college, and they bought an actual house.

[Anonymous]

Once my son was diagnosed, I figured out my ex husband also had it….and explained so many of our problems. Ex-h refused to accept diagnosis and put everything on me. I told him things had to change or I was going to leave. He only got meaner and worse. I left three years ago. Life is so much easier without having to live with him and the frustrations/pain he caused. He has been awful post divorce, and I struggle financially…but I am happy and in a wonderful relationship with a man that voluntarily does things my adhd ex could never do. I almost cried the first time we went on a trip together because he was so helpful and thoughtful….with both me and my kids. I had never had a partner before….it was always me taking care of everyone.