Strategies for marriage to DH with ADHD

[Anonymous]

We learned recently that my DH has ADHD. (We have a child who has it, and through marriage counseling, identified it may be something DH has. He got evaluated and yes, has it.)

He started taking medication, which helps. But frankly, after almost 20 years of marriage I feel like I have some form of PTSD due to the wear and tear of having an ADHD spouse and ADHD child in the house. (DC is early teens, diagnosed 2 years ago).

I'm finding I just don't have the energy, interest or desire to continue navigating this with DH. We are still seeing a therapist occasionally, but I need some significant forward momentum at this point to carry on. We had an incident this weekend that harkened back to the non-medicated days, but DH didn't tell me he didn't take his meds until late the following day. I spent nearly a day and a half stressed and angry and hurt over this incident. It was a trigger for all the similar incidents in the past just like that (he can be horribly mean to strangers when he is unhappy about something). And no, this wasn't an issue until after we got married.

I don't really want to divorce, but I need some ideas about how to "do" marriage in this situation. I've been reading and everything talks about self-care, therapy. I feel like I do enough of that. Things are markedly better when he is on meds, but they wear off later in the day so there is still unpredictability. I feel like I have nothing left in the tank.

Has anyone found success in this situation? What do you do differently now that you know your spouse has ADHD?

[Anonymous]

How recently did he start the medication?

Sometimes the medication enables the person to learn better skills and ways of relating, but they still do have to learn it and that's a process. The medication is only the first step in the process.

Is your therapist someone who's good with ADHD marriages? If not, I would look for a different therapist with specifically that interest.

There are a lot of marriage articles here.
https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-marriage-advice-husband-symptoms/

[Anonymous]

OP - yes, fortunately our therapist is the one who recognized it. They have ADHD as well.

[Anonymous]

Medication has been in place for a little more than a month. Incidentally, I read that article for the second time this morning!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Medication has been in place for a little more than a month. Incidentally, I read that article for the second time this morning!

I think your feelings are 100% valid, but expecting total med compliance in the first month is not that realistic. Remember, it's a process of him learning to do better. Meds enable that process, they don't make that process unnecessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - yes, fortunately our therapist is the one who recognized it. They have ADHD as well.

Ok but is your therapist experienced at working with couples with this dynamic? Having ADHD themselves is not necessarily a qualification.

[Anonymous]

Things should stabilize now that he on meds. The hardest part for you is over now that your child and husband are getting treatment. Yes you might have some mishaps when meds aren’t taken or need adjusting but it should be much better. Acknowledge that your feelings of shock from the years and frustration are valid, but try to focus on the positive. This doesn’t seem like something to throw out your marriage over, and I say this as someone in your boat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Medication has been in place for a little more than a month. Incidentally, I read that article for the second time this morning!

I think your feelings are 100% valid, but expecting total med compliance in the first month is not that realistic. Remember, it's a process of him learning to do better. Meds enable that process, they don't make that process unnecessary.

It isn't even compliance, it is getting the right dosage. That could take a year if not longer for a variety of reasons including his medicine is likely considered a class I drug. It can only be filled every 30 days. Thus, the 1st dosage is more than likely not enough, regardless of the incident of not taking it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We learned recently that my DH has ADHD. (We have a child who has it, and through marriage counseling, identified it may be something DH has. He got evaluated and yes, has it.)

He started taking medication, which helps. But frankly, after almost 20 years of marriage I feel like I have some form of PTSD due to the wear and tear of having an ADHD spouse and ADHD child in the house. (DC is early teens, diagnosed 2 years ago).

I'm finding I just don't have the energy, interest or desire to continue navigating this with DH. We are still seeing a therapist occasionally, but I need some significant forward momentum at this point to carry on. We had an incident this weekend that harkened back to the non-medicated days, but DH didn't tell me he didn't take his meds until late the following day. I spent nearly a day and a half stressed and angry and hurt over this incident. It was a trigger for all the similar incidents in the past just like that (he can be horribly mean to strangers when he is unhappy about something). And no, this wasn't an issue until after we got married.

I don't really want to divorce, but I need some ideas about how to "do" marriage in this situation. I've been reading and everything talks about self-care, therapy. I feel like I do enough of that. Things are markedly better when he is on meds, but they wear off later in the day so there is still unpredictability. I feel like I have nothing left in the tank.

Has anyone found success in this situation? What do you do differently now that you know your spouse has ADHD?

Similar story to yours. We are now divorced. And I should have divorced her long time ago.

[Anonymous]

Now that he's medicated you need to stop communicating like he's still got untreated ADHD. Adults with untreated ADHD have major self esteem and emotional issues from a life of frustration by being nagged or called stupid by everyone in their life.

Also it helps to try to be a team by letting him focus on his strengths, outsource house cleaning and whatever else you know he won't do, and understand he will need breaks from his meds for a few days every now and then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How recently did he start the medication?

Sometimes the medication enables the person to learn better skills and ways of relating, but they still do have to learn it and that's a process. The medication is only the first step in the process.

Is your therapist someone who's good with ADHD marriages? If not, I would look for a different therapist with specifically that interest.

There are a lot of marriage articles here.
https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-marriage-advice-husband-symptoms/

NP, and I am the spouse of someone with ADHD. I hated this article because it puts so much onus on the non-ADHD spouse. I’ve tried patience and schedules and organization and now I feel major resentment toward my spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How recently did he start the medication?

Sometimes the medication enables the person to learn better skills and ways of relating, but they still do have to learn it and that's a process. The medication is only the first step in the process.

Is your therapist someone who's good with ADHD marriages? If not, I would look for a different therapist with specifically that interest.

There are a lot of marriage articles here.
https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-marriage-advice-husband-symptoms/

NP, and I am the spouse of someone with ADHD. I hated this article because it puts so much onus on the non-ADHD spouse. I’ve tried patience and schedules and organization and now I feel major resentment toward my spouse.

+1

[Anonymous]

People don't want ADHD so blaming them is of no use. Be a team and make it work or walk out if you can't handle it. Hating and resenting them isn't going to help you or them.

[Anonymous]

We both have it. We both have a o lot of patience compassion and understanding for each other and we try to keep each other on task and split chores off of a common list.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think there’s a solution to fix an ND male and NT female relationship that doesn’t result in bitterness and resentment. Many men are already conditioned to have poor executive functioning skills and they simply lack empathy. When you add a diagnosis and children who are most likely afflicted with the same condition, it’s just too much to handle. You basically have a parentalized relationship versus an equal marriage and there’s nothing less romantic.