How to come to terms with extrovert ILs who expect constant conversation

[Anonymous]

They may not know how to be good house guests. They want to see you and it sounds like they are a bit clueless yet not evil.

With people like this, you have to set boundaries, and your DH has to do it. We struggled with something similar with my ILs. We'd do a lot of "sitting around," and I just started living my life while they were here.

What's strange is that we didn't sit around in a circle at their house. They were cooking, making pies, tending the garden, etc. I'm not sure why we fell into sitting in a circle when they were at our place.

One has passed away now, and one can't travel any longer. So, figure this out sooner rather than later. The time goes quickly.

Funny thing: My MIL *just* started suggesting we do things together OUTSIDE the house only after around 25 years of visits. Sometimes, people take a long time to change. I've given her a lot of positive reinforcement.

You might need to suggest activities:

Bake cookies or cake together.
Do something in the garden.
Play a group game or board game.
Watch sports together on TV.
Get takeout.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is this obsession with reading magazines and being "rude"? There have been threads about this before.

I think it’s a generational thing. My ILs are like this, and so is my mom, to some extent. But my mom would only see it as rude for a one-day or one-meal visit, not a visit of multiple days. My dad is an introvert, thank goodness. But my ILs expect focused conversation from sunup until sundown.

What generation is still reading magazines? That part doesn't make a lot of sense.

Silent, Boomer, and GenX. I switched all my books and magazines subscriptions to digital and read them on my ipad but I have friends that like to buy magazines sometimes while in the supermarket or traveling.

So how old is OP that she wants to read her magazines in peace?

It’s a coping strategy to get a blessed five minute break from constant chatter. Are you slowly realizing people need a break from you?

From me? Lol. Just noticing that magazine obsessed OP has started a few threads about this odd topic. Maybe one of her magazines will have better advice.

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand how you are here if DH is introverted. Mom, Dad: you’ve known my whole life I’m an introvert. Now I’m part of a family of introverts. To have a good visit, we’re going to need some downtime. Please dont holler at the kids when they are in the bathroom. Let’s structure the day like this: [fill
In the blank].

Obviously DCUM are terrible but your DH has a lifetime of practice here and should get you all
Cover.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know that during family visits, I need to be “on” more. I’m an introvert and I know that during visits, I need to extend and give all I can. So I’m already doing all I can do. I’m already going above and beyond, “sucking it up,” etc.

DH and our kids are introverts, too. We try to get ahead of this dynamic by planning lots of activities when ILs are visiting. Visits can be stifling, as ILs expect full attention 24/7, and even reading a magazine or book is “rude”. My kids are old enough to notice, want time to themselves, and are very uncomfortable when ILs are around.

ILs are able-bodied and have their full mental faculties. This has been a longstanding dynamic, it’s just now at a point where it’s not just DH and me noticing it, the kids are starting to dread their visits, too. They simply don’t want to sit around in a circle and “chat” all the time. They want to be able to move about the house (our own house!) freely, without getting accused of “disappearing” every time they dare to go to their rooms to play or read or relax for a bit. My oldest nearly snapped when they loudly asked “WHERE WERE YOU” for the 500th time, and she was simply in the bathroom. She’s getting to be the age where she doesn’t want to discuss that she was in the bathroom.

Any advice?

Odd you’re all Introverts yet one set of your parents are Extraverts and still haven’t figured this one out, despite raising one of you for 18+ years.

You’ll have to meet in the middle.

No silent dinners
Yes some alone time

No 24/7
Yes some planning outings

No cruise director tour guide
Yes greetings, nice talk, some converse ring throughout the day, when in touch.

Tell them all that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How long are these visits, OP, and how frequent are they? You probably just need to suck it up and not expect everybody to do things your way. That’s what good hosts do.

+1

Balance.

[Anonymous]

Where are you?!?

Hiding in the bathroom scrolling my iPhone for an hour

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've seen this thread before.

No, you don't need to suffer because your in-laws are insensitive to your needs and that of your family's. It's rude of them.

You need to stop the visits for a while, tell them you can't sit in a circle and converse all the time. It's not happening. They can be as mad as they want, and gripe and (hopefully) leave. And I mean you, because it looks like the real problem, as usual, is your husband, for not sticking up for his wife and kids.

I think this is literally
A copy and paste. I remember the bathroom detail.
Or maybe a Carolyn hax
Column

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s so draining, I get it. Just play the game right back. They have no right to act like you are “wrong,” so just don’t accept it. Do what you want and if they complain, direct them to DH.

Do a mix of things together and apart.
Sounds like they’re houseguest at your house. You’re not all in vacation.

They should bring their own books and have a list of their own outings to do by themselves. Or my ILs cook when they’re board. Sure it messes up the kitchen and stuff gets depleted and I one tells me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This isn’t an extrovert vs introvert thing. By framing it this way you are ignoring that the grandparents are being rude and obnoxious.

Demanding 24/7 constant interaction and then rudely scolding anyone who takes a break is not extroversion! It’s anxiety driven or narcissism or just demanding rude behavior. I’m an extrovert and this would drive me nuts too!

1. Do not encourage , enable or give power to this crap. Entertain and visit with them but if they balk when anyone goes to the bathroom or needs to do something, tell them point blank to stop it. If you scurry back over to them, they learn this works.

2. Do not worry for one second that they will be upset or offended for you calling them out on their behavior. They are being rude and obnoxious! A reoccurring pattern on this board is people wanting to find a polite, soft way to get jerks to stop being jerks. It doesn’t work this way people!

Agree. if this is truly the dynamic at hand.

My FIL is in the autism spectrum and quite “out of it” if not at his home. What worked when the kids were 2 yos does not work at age 10.
Thanksgiving week (at our house) he forced our 8 yo to play Uno with him for 4 hours, and she did. He’d follow both kids around the house from 2 feet behind them. He asked where they were to everyone, all the time.
Same thing happened Tuesday, he tried to get either kid to “play” with him all day. My spouse, the son, hid in his home office both days.
By the time I came back from work Tuesday my 8 yo was DONE. She told me she can’t do it any longer. That’s when I learned what was happening from 8am to 5pm.
After two days of that my kids stayed in their rooms way more. Exhausted.

Some people just cannot read the room. Parents need to step in and say Downtime is fine.

For the rest of the week FIL busted out his iPad and read old country news for hours and we made him decorate two outdoor trees with 1000ft of lights each.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've seen this thread before.

No, you don't need to suffer because your in-laws are insensitive to your needs and that of your family's. It's rude of them.

You need to stop the visits for a while, tell them you can't sit in a circle and converse all the time. It's not happening. They can be as mad as they want, and gripe and (hopefully) leave. And I mean you, because it looks like the real problem, as usual, is your husband, for not sticking up for his wife and kids.

I think this is literally
A copy and paste. I remember the bathroom detail.
Or maybe a Carolyn hax
Column

Could be. DCUM has some chronic trolls for a few months now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand how you are here if DH is introverted. Mom, Dad: you’ve known my whole life I’m an introvert. Now I’m part of a family of introverts. To have a good visit, we’re going to need some downtime. Please dont holler at the kids when they are in the bathroom. Let’s structure the day like this: [fill
In the blank].

Obviously DCUM are terrible but your DH has a lifetime of practice here and should get you all
Cover.

Agree. Tis mysterious.

[Anonymous]

We experience something similar with my MIL. When she comes over, she needs everyone to be smiling and chirpy and talking to her all the time. If my DD is quiet for a few mins or starts doing something else, my MIL will ask me why she is in a off mood. She will also start pleading, "talk to meeee.."

DD is 12, introverted and does not have much in common with MIL.

I think part of it is age. MIL also has some undiagnosed anxiety, I think. She is quite needy and demands a lot of attention. I've seen other older people do this as well.

Some indulgence for senior folks is OK, I think. I do make an effort with my MIL and encourage my DD to do the same. I'll encourage her to share about her school or her artwork for example. But I also think it is healthy to set boundaries. For example, "I'd like to excuse myself for a little down time before bed, see you tomorrow," or "I'd like to read my book and have some quiet time in the afternoon, but I'll see you at dinner."

It's a important skill for kids to learn with you leading the way.

If boundaries are not respected, or not accepted, I would suggest your DH should step in and be the bad guy. "Mom, she said she would like some quiet time. Please respect her boundaries." This happened in our last visit just this past weekend!

[Anonymous]

My mom is always complaining about my husband not being talkative enough. I've already forbidden him from scrolling on his phone in their presence and she's still not satisfied. "He seems like he's deep in thought. He should be interested in conversing with the family."
My inlaws, who are extreme introverts, say the same thing about THEIR son in law, that he's "standoffish". Which is ironic because they are the world's most standoffish people and he's probably following their lead.
The only way to make old people happy is to act like they are the most fascinating people on earth.

[Anonymous]

Ha, this is my parents exactly. In addition when we visit we are expected to eat out with them three times a day, and the meal better not be rushed or my dad will have a legit meltdown about how we are rushing him and he wants to enjoy his meal at a leisurely pace. Three times a day! Guess what, I skip them. Let my kids go if they want (and they love to go, they love to dine out). I guess I’m rude but I don’t care. At this point it’s just self preservation — I will be miserable sitting and staring at my parents and waiting to eat for hours on end each day.