How to come to terms with extrovert ILs who expect constant conversation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long are these visits, OP, and how frequent are they? You probably just need to suck it up and not expect everybody to do things your way. That’s what good hosts do.

Yeah, no. Especially if you are visiting someone’s home for a multi-day visit, you go with the flow of the house. You are there to visit them, in their home; it is you who needs to conform to your hosts. If you “need” more stimulation, take yourself on a walk or a point of interest if other people want to rest and recharge. Sorry, the annoying one is you if you expect your hosts to stare at you and talk to you all day long. You sound like an exhausting houseguest.

And you sound like a self centered shrew.

NP. I think there should be give and take, for sure, but one of the problems is, there is never “enough” for some extroverts. There’s no compromise, there’s no meeting halfway. There’s no “we’re each giving what we can and being understanding.” They are set in their ways that visits or vacations = together, talking, engaging 24/7. There’s no way to find common ground. I see introverts giving more of themselves, but extroverts just taking with no level of appreciation or compromise. And yes, it’s extremely exhausting.

+1 It's exhausting, unfair and not sustainable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is this obsession with reading magazines and being "rude"? There have been threads about this before.

I think it’s a generational thing. My ILs are like this, and so is my mom, to some extent. But my mom would only see it as rude for a one-day or one-meal visit, not a visit of multiple days. My dad is an introvert, thank goodness. But my ILs expect focused conversation from sunup until sundown.

What generation is still reading magazines? That part doesn't make a lot of sense.

[Anonymous]

No, the grandparents' behavior is entirely beyond the pale.

I have never seen anyone behave like this, and I come from a super uptight, afternoon tea, dressed-up children, sort of milieu, where elders are listened to with respect.

Here you need to push back. Elders do not get respect unconditionally when they misbehave.

[Anonymous]

Like with little kids, prepare them for what to expect each day (or really, DH should).

"Tomorrow we have Larlo's basketball practice and then we're going to be doing some work/reading on our own. In the afternoon I'm going to run errands and then we can all have dinner together."

[Anonymous]

Why do you care about the ILs’ reaction if you and the kids take some downtime? If they make a comment, explain directly and without apologizing. It’s just the way things are at your house. They are guests but it’s not a command performance, and it’s not “rude” to have some time to yourself or time doing other things besides sitting in a circle chatting. If they ask your daughter where she was when she went to the bathroom, you should jump in and say, “oh, the kids come in and out. I’m sure she wasn’t up to something nefarious! Ha ha!” Say something along these lines in a light tone, and you will be signaling that they shouldn’t interrogate your daughter about her ten-minute disappearance, your jokey non-response signals to them that it’s not really their business to monitor her so closely in her own home, and your daughter will get the sense you’ve got her back and it’s ok not to stand in constant attendance to your ILs. Also, the term “power nap” is a great way to excuse yourself for a bit.

Basically, stop worrying about the ILs’ reactions to how you want to act during their visits. You’re not their employee, it’s your home, and model behavior for your kids.

[Anonymous]

This isn’t an extrovert vs introvert thing. By framing it this way you are ignoring that the grandparents are being rude and obnoxious.

Demanding 24/7 constant interaction and then rudely scolding anyone who takes a break is not extroversion! It’s anxiety driven or narcissism or just demanding rude behavior. I’m an extrovert and this would drive me nuts too!

1. Do not encourage , enable or give power to this crap. Entertain and visit with them but if they balk when anyone goes to the bathroom or needs to do something, tell them point blank to stop it. If you scurry back over to them, they learn this works.

2. Do not worry for one second that they will be upset or offended for you calling them out on their behavior. They are being rude and obnoxious! A reoccurring pattern on this board is people wanting to find a polite, soft way to get jerks to stop being jerks. It doesn’t work this way people!

[Anonymous]

That is why we don't host family for more than 3 nights and we tell people upfront about our policy. There are alternatives like hotels, bnbs and short-term rentals. Know thyself.

[Anonymous]

My elderly ILs come and visit and are up at the crack of dawn, traipsing around through the house. They have radar for when I get up and immediately want to converse at length, as I'm shuffling out of the bathroom to make coffee. They're just lonely and otherwise lacking any social contact. But wow is it annoying!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is this obsession with reading magazines and being "rude"? There have been threads about this before.

I think it’s a generational thing. My ILs are like this, and so is my mom, to some extent. But my mom would only see it as rude for a one-day or one-meal visit, not a visit of multiple days. My dad is an introvert, thank goodness. But my ILs expect focused conversation from sunup until sundown.

What generation is still reading magazines? That part doesn't make a lot of sense.

Silent, Boomer, and GenX. I switched all my books and magazines subscriptions to digital and read them on my ipad but I have friends that like to buy magazines sometimes while in the supermarket or traveling.

[Anonymous]

Ugh, these types of extroverts are the absolute worst. Just don’t cave into them. They are rude, the very worst kind of guests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you care about the ILs’ reaction if you and the kids take some downtime? If they make a comment, explain directly and without apologizing. It’s just the way things are at your house. They are guests but it’s not a command performance, and it’s not “rude” to have some time to yourself or time doing other things besides sitting in a circle chatting. If they ask your daughter where she was when she went to the bathroom, you should jump in and say, “oh, the kids come in and out. I’m sure she wasn’t up to something nefarious! Ha ha!” Say something along these lines in a light tone, and you will be signaling that they shouldn’t interrogate your daughter about her ten-minute disappearance, your jokey non-response signals to them that it’s not really their business to monitor her so closely in her own home, and your daughter will get the sense you’ve got her back and it’s ok not to stand in constant attendance to your ILs. Also, the term “power nap” is a great way to excuse yourself for a bit.

Basically, stop worrying about the ILs’ reactions to how you want to act during their visits. You’re not their employee, it’s your home, and model behavior for your kids.

DP. I like this approach. Also DH needs to also defend you all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is this obsession with reading magazines and being "rude"? There have been threads about this before.

I think it’s a generational thing. My ILs are like this, and so is my mom, to some extent. But my mom would only see it as rude for a one-day or one-meal visit, not a visit of multiple days. My dad is an introvert, thank goodness. But my ILs expect focused conversation from sunup until sundown.

What generation is still reading magazines? That part doesn't make a lot of sense.

Silent, Boomer, and GenX. I switched all my books and magazines subscriptions to digital and read them on my ipad but I have friends that like to buy magazines sometimes while in the supermarket or traveling.

So how old is OP that she wants to read her magazines in peace?

[Anonymous]

Have you tried....talking to them? Just tell them everything you said here.

I'll never understand why people "suffer" in these situations. My parents have different preferences than my family, as do my inlaws. There are differences when it comes to preferred activity, eating times and types, level of interaction, etc. But we are open and honest and then find a middle ground and meet eachother half way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is this obsession with reading magazines and being "rude"? There have been threads about this before.

I think it’s a generational thing. My ILs are like this, and so is my mom, to some extent. But my mom would only see it as rude for a one-day or one-meal visit, not a visit of multiple days. My dad is an introvert, thank goodness. But my ILs expect focused conversation from sunup until sundown.

What generation is still reading magazines? That part doesn't make a lot of sense.

Silent, Boomer, and GenX. I switched all my books and magazines subscriptions to digital and read them on my ipad but I have friends that like to buy magazines sometimes while in the supermarket or traveling.

So how old is OP that she wants to read her magazines in peace?

It’s a coping strategy to get a blessed five minute break from constant chatter. Are you slowly realizing people need a break from you?

[Anonymous]

I'd start sending the kids to their rooms to do "homework" and excusing myself to my office because I'm "working from home."