How to come to terms with extrovert ILs who expect constant conversation

[Anonymous]

I know that during family visits, I need to be “on” more. I’m an introvert and I know that during visits, I need to extend and give all I can. So I’m already doing all I can do. I’m already going above and beyond, “sucking it up,” etc.

DH and our kids are introverts, too. We try to get ahead of this dynamic by planning lots of activities when ILs are visiting. Visits can be stifling, as ILs expect full attention 24/7, and even reading a magazine or book is “rude”. My kids are old enough to notice, want time to themselves, and are very uncomfortable when ILs are around.

ILs are able-bodied and have their full mental faculties. This has been a longstanding dynamic, it’s just now at a point where it’s not just DH and me noticing it, the kids are starting to dread their visits, too. They simply don’t want to sit around in a circle and “chat” all the time. They want to be able to move about the house (our own house!) freely, without getting accused of “disappearing” every time they dare to go to their rooms to play or read or relax for a bit. My oldest nearly snapped when they loudly asked “WHERE WERE YOU” for the 500th time, and she was simply in the bathroom. She’s getting to be the age where she doesn’t want to discuss that she was in the bathroom.

Any advice?

[Anonymous]

When you have talked to your in-laws about it what have they said?

One thing you can do is be totally matter of fact about it and refuse to care about their commentary. “We are having family introvert time now and each going to our corners. We’ll see you at 2!” And then disappear. When they ask where you were “Reading a book! How about you? What did you do?” Etc. No sneaking around or feeling bad. If you need to explain to them what you need and why, just do it. Model this for your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you have talked to your in-laws about it what have they said?

One thing you can do is be totally matter of fact about it and refuse to care about their commentary. “We are having family introvert time now and each going to our corners. We’ll see you at 2!” And then disappear. When they ask where you were “Reading a book! How about you? What did you do?” Etc. No sneaking around or feeling bad. If you need to explain to them what you need and why, just do it. Model this for your kids.

This. But OP shouldn't do this; her DH should
His parents are his to handle. OP, he should script what he wants to say, so he's not winging it, as it sounds like they would steamroll him if he's not firm and clear. And I'd frame it as, it's great that you visit! We want to integrate you more into our regular routines and that means that sometimes the kids will go off to do homework or chill or read and we encourage that (etc.)

Another idea is to be a bit less available. Sounds like they visit frequently. It's good if you all get along other than this issue! But consider if they're maybe visiting for too long each stay or visiting more times than really works for your family.

[Anonymous]

I've seen this thread before.

No, you don't need to suffer because your in-laws are insensitive to your needs and that of your family's. It's rude of them.

You need to stop the visits for a while, tell them you can't sit in a circle and converse all the time. It's not happening. They can be as mad as they want, and gripe and (hopefully) leave. And I mean you, because it looks like the real problem, as usual, is your husband, for not sticking up for his wife and kids.

[Anonymous]

It’s so draining, I get it. Just play the game right back. They have no right to act like you are “wrong,” so just don’t accept it. Do what you want and if they complain, direct them to DH.

[Anonymous]

Why come to terms? They're extremely rude.

Don't stand for that.

[Anonymous]

How long are these visits, OP, and how frequent are they? You probably just need to suck it up and not expect everybody to do things your way. That’s what good hosts do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How long are these visits, OP, and how frequent are they? You probably just need to suck it up and not expect everybody to do things your way. That’s what good hosts do.

um no, good hosts do not do this.

there are a few things I can think of:
- limit the length and frequency of trips
- you go visit them instead and stay in a hotel you can retreat to
- tag team with your DH. come up with an activity to get them out of the house with him while you relax.
- be more protective of your kids. tell them it’s OK for them to go to their rooms while grandma and grandpa are there. Stick up for them.
- make up reasons to get out of the house every day

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How long are these visits, OP, and how frequent are they? You probably just need to suck it up and not expect everybody to do things your way. That’s what good hosts do.

Yeah, no. Especially if you are visiting someone’s home for a multi-day visit, you go with the flow of the house. You are there to visit them, in their home; it is you who needs to conform to your hosts. If you “need” more stimulation, take yourself on a walk or a point of interest if other people want to rest and recharge. Sorry, the annoying one is you if you expect your hosts to stare at you and talk to you all day long. You sound like an exhausting houseguest.

[Anonymous]

You need to protect your kids and teach them to protect themselves as you learn.

Nonsense that IL says your kids disappear. Do not allow that.

[Anonymous]

What is this obsession with reading magazines and being "rude"? There have been threads about this before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is this obsession with reading magazines and being "rude"? There have been threads about this before.

I think it’s a generational thing. My ILs are like this, and so is my mom, to some extent. But my mom would only see it as rude for a one-day or one-meal visit, not a visit of multiple days. My dad is an introvert, thank goodness. But my ILs expect focused conversation from sunup until sundown.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long are these visits, OP, and how frequent are they? You probably just need to suck it up and not expect everybody to do things your way. That’s what good hosts do.

Yeah, no. Especially if you are visiting someone’s home for a multi-day visit, you go with the flow of the house. You are there to visit them, in their home; it is you who needs to conform to your hosts. If you “need” more stimulation, take yourself on a walk or a point of interest if other people want to rest and recharge. Sorry, the annoying one is you if you expect your hosts to stare at you and talk to you all day long. You sound like an exhausting houseguest.

And you sound like a self centered shrew.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long are these visits, OP, and how frequent are they? You probably just need to suck it up and not expect everybody to do things your way. That’s what good hosts do.

Yeah, no. Especially if you are visiting someone’s home for a multi-day visit, you go with the flow of the house. You are there to visit them, in their home; it is you who needs to conform to your hosts. If you “need” more stimulation, take yourself on a walk or a point of interest if other people want to rest and recharge. Sorry, the annoying one is you if you expect your hosts to stare at you and talk to you all day long. You sound like an exhausting houseguest.

And you sound like a self centered shrew.

NP. I think there should be give and take, for sure, but one of the problems is, there is never “enough” for some extroverts. There’s no compromise, there’s no meeting halfway. There’s no “we’re each giving what we can and being understanding.” They are set in their ways that visits or vacations = together, talking, engaging 24/7. There’s no way to find common ground. I see introverts giving more of themselves, but extroverts just taking with no level of appreciation or compromise. And yes, it’s extremely exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long are these visits, OP, and how frequent are they? You probably just need to suck it up and not expect everybody to do things your way. That’s what good hosts do.

Yeah, no. Especially if you are visiting someone’s home for a multi-day visit, you go with the flow of the house. You are there to visit them, in their home; it is you who needs to conform to your hosts. If you “need” more stimulation, take yourself on a walk or a point of interest if other people want to rest and recharge. Sorry, the annoying one is you if you expect your hosts to stare at you and talk to you all day long. You sound like an exhausting houseguest.

And you sound like a self centered shrew.

NP. I think there should be give and take, for sure, but one of the problems is, there is never “enough” for some extroverts. There’s no compromise, there’s no meeting halfway. There’s no “we’re each giving what we can and being understanding.” They are set in their ways that visits or vacations = together, talking, engaging 24/7. There’s no way to find common ground. I see introverts giving more of themselves, but extroverts just taking with no level of appreciation or compromise. And yes, it’s extremely exhausting.

It’s actually narcissistic.