Which years “best” to be SAHM?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Birth-18

I would do this if I had a trust fund or some other source of separate property.

Being a SAHM in the DC area gets really boring unless you have lots of money to spend to play tennis and golf, shop, go to lunch all the time, and attend charity events with other SAHMs. Those are the only women who are home during the day once the kids are older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am working full time but thinking about staying home with my daughter (and hopefully a second) at some point. We’re lucky to be able to swing it financially for a short period of time but not forever.
Our kids will be at least 2.5 years apart.
I’m curious for parents of littles who have done both, which ages would you consider the best to get out of the workplace, get rid of childcare and be at home with kids?

Middle school and older. Seriously.

[Anonymous]

I loved being a SAHM from birth to K. Life revolved around caring for the kids and I made good friends with other SAHMs . DH and I could enjoy weekends doing stuff with the kids because we weren't too busy catching up on home stuff we couldn't get to during the week.

Went back to work FT when youngest started K (older in 2nd) and it was a pretty easy time to be working a FT job (caveat that it was flexible and I could always leave by 4:45 for pick up). My kids liked going to aftercare with their friends and enjoyed summer camps. Their ES didn't demand a lot of parents during the school day. It was also a good enough lead time to start saving aggressively for college.

In middle school, DH shifted to working at home full time so that someone would be there after school. He was also available if someone needed to be driven to an activity. That continued through high school (and during covid my job became and continues to be 100% WAH). IME, it's good for teens to have someone around and you definitely need to be emotionally available but I don't see much benefit to being home full time during those years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have also heard its best to never sahm but retire early and watch your grandchildren. That sounded terrible to me but to each his own.

By the time I have grandchildren, no one in their right mind would let me watch them, lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been a SAHP for over 15 years, but I would say the most valuable years were from 5th or 6th grade to 9th grade. Kids in late elementary/middle school become involved in more activities like scouts, sports, and music lessons and it’s a lot easier to manage with a SAHP or one with a very flexible schedule. When kids get to high school, they can often catch rides with older neighbors or friends, or ride the activity bus.

I agree. The activities are most difficult to manage from about ages 10-15, and those are the ages when they most protest having a nanny or au pair driving them around or helping them with homework.

But with flexible jobs, work from home, etc. it’s easy to work on your laptop from practices, etc. I would be bored out of my mind as a SAHP to kids this age. They’re at school or in sports most of the day.

You would only be bored if you lacked imagination. What do you think you would do, sit by the door like a dog waiting for them to come home? This is a great city, with so much to do, and so many causes in need of your time, so much left to learn and experience. I hope if you chose to SAH and it was a safe financial choice for your family, you would make great use of your time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Birth-18

I would do this if I had a trust fund or some other source of separate property.

Being a SAHM in the DC area gets really boring unless you have lots of money to spend to play tennis and golf, shop, go to lunch all the time, and attend charity events with other SAHMs. Those are the only women who are home during the day once the kids are older.

Again, use your imagination better. There is far more to do than this silly list (which, btw, matches exactly no one that I know who stays at home).

[Anonymous]

Best for logistics and household management? Middle or whenever all the driving starts.

Best for your child’s development? 0-2, absolutely no question. Sahm during those years is intense but you are literally wiring your child’s nervous system. You are imprinting and attaching in an essential way, and sparing them a lot of stress.

You can also create a strong new parent network and assess future childcare options with eyes wide open (because you’ve spent ages observing nannies and other parents).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been a SAHP for over 15 years, but I would say the most valuable years were from 5th or 6th grade to 9th grade. Kids in late elementary/middle school become involved in more activities like scouts, sports, and music lessons and it’s a lot easier to manage with a SAHP or one with a very flexible schedule. When kids get to high school, they can often catch rides with older neighbors or friends, or ride the activity bus.

I agree. The activities are most difficult to manage from about ages 10-15, and those are the ages when they most protest having a nanny or au pair driving them around or helping them with homework.

But with flexible jobs, work from home, etc. it’s easy to work on your laptop from practices, etc. I would be bored out of my mind as a SAHP to kids this age. They’re at school or in sports most of the day.

You would only be bored if you lacked imagination. What do you think you would do, sit by the door like a dog waiting for them to come home? This is a great city, with so much to do, and so many causes in need of your time, so much left to learn and experience. I hope if you chose to SAH and it was a safe financial choice for your family, you would make great use of your time.

But that’s not really SAH to take care of kids, is it? I think OP was asking the best time to stay home for the kids. I stayed home when my kids were little and was bored out of my mind when they were in school all day so went back to work. I don’t find the life of leisure fulfilling I guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Birth-18

I would do this if I had a trust fund or some other source of separate property.

Being a SAHM in the DC area gets really boring unless you have lots of money to spend to play tennis and golf, shop, go to lunch all the time, and attend charity events with other SAHMs. Those are the only women who are home during the day once the kids are older.

Again, use your imagination better. There is far more to do than this silly list (which, btw, matches exactly no one that I know who stays at home).

Actually this pretty much matches the SAHMs of older kids that I know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Birth-18

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Birth-18

I would do this if I had a trust fund or some other source of separate property.

Being a SAHM in the DC area gets really boring unless you have lots of money to spend to play tennis and golf, shop, go to lunch all the time, and attend charity events with other SAHMs. Those are the only women who are home during the day once the kids are older.

I’m not bored and I don’t play tennis or golf, or shop, or go out to lunch/hang out w other SAHMs. I exercise, read, write, volunteer in the community, and of course manage our home—cleaning, cooking, organizing, etc. it’s a very fulfilling life for me.

[Anonymous]

Best laid plans...I don't know how old you are but 2.5 age gap is now 5+ years thanks to secondary infertility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been a SAHP for over 15 years, but I would say the most valuable years were from 5th or 6th grade to 9th grade. Kids in late elementary/middle school become involved in more activities like scouts, sports, and music lessons and it’s a lot easier to manage with a SAHP or one with a very flexible schedule. When kids get to high school, they can often catch rides with older neighbors or friends, or ride the activity bus.

I WOH, but I'd agree with this.

Realize it's a controversial take, but I actually felt like the baby/toddler years were easiest to outsource care. The older they get, the more complicated things got, and it felt like the caretaker needed to be a family member.

I agree with this. I worked a combo of FT and PT when my kid was 0-3, and then due to the pandemic and changes in my industry, I stopped working and haven't gone back and have been very pleased with our family's choice and quality of life. I find that with a 2nd grader who is doing multiple sports, music lessons and other activities, outsourcing the to/fro would be miserable. Ex: It's hard to get a sitter to take your kid to games and be there to cheer them up at the end if there is a bad outcome. A grandparent/aunt/uncle can do that, but otherwise, you need a really good FT nanny or au pair if you can't be there. I will say the kids who with working parents who have those good nannies and au pairs seem to be fine, and the kids who have working parents who have a rotating cast of caregivers cobbled together are also fine, but I know that for ME, I would not be fine with the level of stress and chaos I hear about from those parents who are always stressed about getting their care situations managed.

the tl;dr the kids are fine whatever you do, but it is much easier for you if you can SAHM or expensive outsource. It is a privilege to be able to put your own oxygen mask on first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have also heard its best to never sahm but retire early and watch your grandchildren. That sounded terrible to me but to each his own.

There is something to that if you can be a young grandparent. My parents are 65 and watch kids on weekends and two days a week and take them to activities after school. Its great all arpund.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have also heard its best to never sahm but retire early and watch your grandchildren. That sounded terrible to me but to each his own.

There is something to that if you can be a young grandparent. My parents are 65 and watch kids on weekends and two days a week and take them to activities after school. Its great all arpund.

I wasn't a SAHM, but I dream of watching grandkids when I retire. I really love children and didn't get the chance to SAH because I needed money. My parents are bored out of their minds in retirement. Traveling sounds nice, but then gets old.

If I could choose to SAH, I'd like birth-18 months and then part time once Kindergarten starts. From 18m-4 my kids were incredibly difficult: stubborn, opinionated and just hard to watch by myself 24/7. Mentally I couldn't have done those years, especially since DH would have had to lean in and work very long hours.

4-8 were very, very enjoyable years with kids. So pleasant and just want to please you. I think a 4 year old should be in a play based pre-k though, not with a SAHM.