Struggling getting 4 year old to cooperate
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Anonymous
Yeah this is just distraction and it being late in the day when it’s harder for everyone (kid and parent) to follow through on a simple action. In this case you have to accept that a 4yo needs to be micromanaged a bit more, they will not just walk upstairs and report for the bath. Things you can try: - pick the kid up and carry them - have both parents go sit in the bathtub and wait for the kid to join them - incentivize a part of the bath that they like - eg, I’m pouring the bubbles now! They will only last a couple minutes so you’ll need to be in here to enjoy them. - set a timer. “We have 15 minutes for bath. Timer starts now. The sooner you get upstairs and in the bath, the more time you will enjoy in there.” I have used all of these depending on age, which kid, and how tired they are. |
Anonymous
And lol, I meant have both parents sit in the bathroom by the bathtub, not IN the bathtub |
Anonymous
Can you set a transitional chore? We clean up before bath so most of our meltdowns occur about being made to put away duplo or whatever which makes it easier for *me* to remain calm because frankly no one expects cleaning up to be fun but baths generally are which is part of the reason I get frustrated when my kids fight me on them — you like baths! Why the drama?! If that doesn’t work, it turns into the “choice” of are you getting into the bath by yourself or do you want me to carry you? Sometimes carrying aka snuggles is sufficiently attractive she chooses that option peacefully; sometimes I’m grabbing a squirmy toddler and carrying her into the bathroom and putting her in the tub. For those suggesting skipping or moving the bath: that may just displace the drama to whatever the new “first” activity of bedtime is. For my kids, the problem isn’t baths themselves, the problem is moving from after dinner playtime to bedtime when they’re overtired. |
Anonymous
I’m the M&Ms poster. My kid sees right through these tactics. It’s the old “choices” tactic from gentle parenting. I’m amazed this actually works for any kids. |
Anonymous
It does work, but they have to know the main thing is non-negotiable. The choice is just an optional control lifeline. It’s not for convincing them to do the thing, it’s just like a control frustration off ramp. They don’t take it every time. |
Anonymous
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I’m just glad to know we aren’t alone. Solidarity. You are describing my kid with the naked running around. I have tried most of what people have said, some things have worked, those things usually stopped working, I’m just so glad he’s now 4.5 and it’s getting better.
I will say less reactivity seems to yield better outcomes. They’re trying to generate a response. I am less reactive than my spouse… and while I would never tell him this to his face it’s so much easier to do bedtime on my own than when he helps…because my kid knows I will just roll my eyes and wait him out while Dad will get hot about it. |
Anonymous
| There are certain things (like hygiene) that are non-negotiable and should be treated like it. It’s always helpful to prepare ahead of time (“tonight after your episode of Wild Kratts, it will be bath time”). Adding choices within non/negotiables often helps, e.g.: “at bath time after Wild Kratts would you like bubbles or no bubbles?”). |
Anonymous
You have to actually make it fun for them. The point is not to “trick” them, they often know what you are doing but they are enjoying the excitement and fun. It might be that you have overthought aspects of this. |
Anonymous
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Everything is conditional with my kids. When you have bathed and are ready for bed, you can have 1/2 hour of shows. If you refuse to cooperate and it’s too late, no shows for you. Good night. We usually still read though.
There is shock and tears when privilege is lost. Too bad. You will survive. Gentle parenting is a scam, OP. Back to firm discipline for me. |
Anonymous
Meanwhile your M&M approach would never work for my kid. Or it would work for three days and then on the fourth day she'd tell me she doesn't care about M&Ms anymore (because she gets them all the time! the reward stops working because it becomes commonplace) and then I either have to ramp up the reward or come up with something else. The tactics PP describes work better for us because I do have a really strongwilled kid who wants to assert control over things. I will say that as she's gotten older, we don't have to resort to this stuff as much because she has the ability to reason and, to some degree, negotiate. And she has more self-control. Like I remember one night where I told her to go brush her teeth and she was just complaining she was too tired and distracting herself and not doing it, and I wound up telling her to to it like 40 times. That night when I put her to bed, I sat down with her and had a conversation about how miserable it is when there's something we both know has to happen (brushing teeth is and has always been a non-negotiable) and she just fights and fights until we are both exhausted. So we made a deal: she agreed she will do something the first time I ask, and I agreed to give her 10 minutes after asking to do it. That way she doesn't have to just jump up and stop whatever she's doing to follow orders, but also I don't have to constantly remind her and ask 40 times. Usually we set a timer for the 10 minutes so if she forgets, she does it when the timer goes off and I still don't have to ask a second time. Works well for stuff like brushing teeth, shower, etc. But she's 7 now, so this is possible. At 4, it wasn't. So yeah, we did the getting dressed races and "do you want a bubble bath or a normal bath" and that kind of thing when she was younger. It worked better than the bribes and was better than a battle everynight. Every kid is different and what works for you might not work for someone else and vice versa. But you don't have to be a jerk about it. I'm glad you've found something that works. That doesn't mean the way someone else does it is wrong or inferior. |
Anonymous
It does work…for you. It has never worked once for me. I tried this consistently for a year. She never picked one of the offered choices. |
Anonymous
Right, and your approach works for you. But you have repeatedly criticized people on the thread for suggesting anything that didn't work for YOU. But it might work for OP. A parenting technique that doesn't work for you isn't de facto bad. It just means it didn't work for you. Let it go. |
Anonymous
I think you missed my point. My bitterness is that all gentle parenting resources present these strategies as failproof. They don’t have chapters on what to do if this doesn’t work for you and don’t even address that possibility. |
Anonymous
Of course she doesn't need a bath every night. Of course you should be choosing your battles. But if you find that your DD can't get through her day without major friction OR repeated unreasonable concessions on your part, I hope you'll take a parenting class. If the parenting class isn't enough, I hope you'll educate yourself on special needs and get your DD tested. |
Anonymous
NP here. The gentle parenting authors wouldn't know how to write those chapters. Go to the Special Needs Forum for that advice. |