Reply to Struggling getting 4 year old to cooperate

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]One thing I've learned with my four-year-old is that it's easier to set the conditions for good behavior than to punish bad behavior.

When it comes to bath, getting dressed, getting in the car seat, etc., she wants to feel in control. Obviously she shouldn't be in control of these decisions, but when I give her the illusion of control she complies way better. So for example, I might ask whether she wants to have a disco bath (put the disco ball in the bathroom and listen to the Bee Gees during her bath) or a plain bath. Or I'll challenge her to see whether she can get in the bath before I count to ten (she has the choice about whether she gets in right now, or 8 seconds from now). Or (with clothes) I'll have her compete with her brother to see who can get dressed first (she always "wins" because he's a baby, and obviously he couldn't care less). It's not perfect, but it sure works a lot better than trying to punish her and turning bathtime into a war of the wills. [/quote]

I’m the M&Ms poster. My kid sees right through these tactics. It’s the old “choices” tactic from gentle parenting. I’m amazed this actually works for any kids. [/quote]

Meanwhile your M&M approach would never work for my kid. Or it would work for three days and then on the fourth day she'd tell me she doesn't care about M&Ms anymore (because she gets them all the time! the reward stops working because it becomes commonplace) and then I either have to ramp up the reward or come up with something else.

The tactics PP describes work better for us because I do have a really strongwilled kid who wants to assert control over things. I will say that as she's gotten older, we don't have to resort to this stuff as much because she has the ability to reason and, to some degree, negotiate. And she has more self-control. Like I remember one night where I told her to go brush her teeth and she was just complaining she was too tired and distracting herself and not doing it, and I wound up telling her to to it like 40 times. That night when I put her to bed, I sat down with her and had a conversation about how miserable it is when there's something we both know has to happen (brushing teeth is and has always been a non-negotiable) and she just fights and fights until we are both exhausted. So we made a deal: she agreed she will do something the first time I ask, and I agreed to give her 10 minutes after asking to do it. That way she doesn't have to just jump up and stop whatever she's doing to follow orders, but also I don't have to constantly remind her and ask 40 times. Usually we set a timer for the 10 minutes so if she forgets, she does it when the timer goes off and I still don't have to ask a second time. Works well for stuff like brushing teeth, shower, etc.

But she's 7 now, so this is possible. At 4, it wasn't. So yeah, we did the getting dressed races and "do you want a bubble bath or a normal bath" and that kind of thing when she was younger. It worked better than the bribes and was better than a battle everynight.

Every kid is different and what works for you might not work for someone else and vice versa. But you don't have to be a jerk about it. I'm glad you've found something that works. That doesn't mean the way someone else does it is wrong or inferior.[/quote]

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