Struggling getting 4 year old to cooperate
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
| Would love some advice on how you get strong willed kids to cooperate. Daughter is just turning 4. It truly feels like she does not think she needs to do any of the things we ask her to. For example, every night getting her into the bath is a struggle. We give warnings, we have the exact same routine, and then it feels like we have to tell her a million times to take her clothes off and get in the bath. She’s tired and we are tired so I get that’s a big part of it, but there has to be a better way instead of getting frustrated and making threats. I feel like I’m getting steamrolled by a small child. It sucks because we will often have had a great day with her and then I feel awful at the end of the day bc I end up fighting with her. Help! |
Anonymous
| Is everything a struggle or just specific things. Kids don't need a bath every day if you're not slathering them with sunscreen, etc. Can you limit bathtime to 2-3 times a week if it's a struggle. A routine that your child struggles with is probably doubly worse at the end of the day when she's tired. I would identify where her issues are and see what things you can let go. |
Anonymous
Agreed. Setting them up for success is better than any negotiation tactic. You can’t make a 4 yo like something they don’t like. Avoid as many power struggles as you can (food is a big one to try to get away from) and save it for things that absolutely require it. Also I try to be accommodating in some small way if I can and that usually helps. Like I’ll say oh you don’t want a bath? Let’s be quick and easy. As long as you stand there in the tub I’ll quickly wash you with a cloth and rinse you myself, and we won’t do hair tonight. Deal?” Etc. That works more often than not. |
Anonymous
| There are no answers that are acceptable to gentle parenting, OP. My two year old is the same and we’ve never solved it after a year of coming and parenting classes. We just bribe with dye free M&Ms now. |
Anonymous
| Coaching not coming |
Anonymous
I am the PP who suggested figuring out what you can let go. We make our kids do certain things, but we pick our battles. The point of my post was identifying where you can compromise or let go. Kids have very little control over their day and routines and we are happy to make them feel like they have a say for stuff that's not essential. I'm not sure if you were responding to me, but if so, that's what we try and do. |
Anonymous
| Op here. Remembering to choose your battles is something I need to hear. No, she totally does not need a bath every night so it’s a good reminder to let some things go! |
Anonymous
|
OP one thing I would say is you definitely don’t want to be in the “ask a million times” situation. It’s your job to not do that.
You have to set up whatever consequences or boundaries you want such that a bunch of requests like that just never happen. Never ask your four year old a question if you don’t actually want them to be able to chose the answer. Idk what the right play should be on the bath time. My first instinct is to move it way up in the evening - before dinner, or maybe right when you get home. It that doesn’t work even maybe the morning. |
Anonymous
Picking your battles is good! I would also make sure to end the routine on something you both like so even if there’s a total cranky meltdown about some you draw the line on (recent example from my life: flossing teeth, not wearing weather inappropriate pjs), you have the sweet thing before bed (for us: books and then I sing to them). It also helps to encourage them to get through the hard parts — once you finish this we get to read! The other thing (similar to choosing your battles) is sometimes (sometimes!) giving in sideways helps. For example: my 4yo wanted to wear shorts to bed tonight. Given that she crawled into my bed last night complaining of cold feet, that’s a no and I told her to put on the normal pjs she was supposed to be wearing. Cue whining and making a giant fuss. Problem was eventually solved by my offering to let her wear a pair of sweat pants. It’s not what I said she should do but it meets my firm line of covered limbs tonight. Whatever works. |
Anonymous
| My instinct is that doing fewer baths is going to teach her that pushing back on baths worked, and she may very well continue fighting the baths she does have. If she’s tired, maybe try moving the bath earlier. Or find out if there’s another way you can make baths more enjoyable for her. Maybe she’d prefer transitioning to showers. |
Anonymous
|
Some suggested reading: Good Inside (also the Instagram account by the author, Dr. Becky, though right now it focuses more on teens so look at older content), The Explosive Child (Ross Green).
You don't really even have to read the entire books, but the gist of it is that you need to be looking for a "third way" of getting your kid to do things between (1) forcing them to do things they don't want to do, and (2) allowing them to do whatever they want. There's a bunch of tools for this. Some that have worked for us: - Think about the scheduling of the stuff they always resist and fight. Is it happening when they are tired? Do they have to stop doing their favorite activity to do it? Can you change your schedule to ease that transition? - Think about your approach. For me the key is always humor and lightheartedness. Put on music, sing songs, make it a joke. I had to train myself to do this, but in the end it's good for me and for DC, because it forces me not to engage with the conflict, to keep things from getting serious. It takes effort to cultivate this, but it's really rewarding because by being more silly and light, my kid has learned those skills too, and family life is easier. - Figure out what you are willing to let go and let it go, i.e. pick your battles. Sometimes that means letting go of something altogether and just deciding you aren't going to care anymore (maybe something like not fighting your kid on wearing a coat as long as it's not freezing), other times it's willing to be accommodating for certain things because they aren't the most important battles. This is always a balance but sometimes it's necessary, especially with very obstinate kids who are just looking for something, anything to control -- just figure out what it is they can control and give it to them. For us this wound up being stuff like clothing choices, certain food battles, and giving over some control over the bedroom/playroom set up. That gave us space and energy to focus on the behaviors that were really important to us. |
Anonymous
Was not responding to you and did not read your post. Just wanted OP to know some kids are extraordinarily stubborn and will never peacefully get with the program of doing reasonable things parents ask them to do. Ever. No matter how solid the routine is. I’ve been disappointed to find that no gentle parenting resources acknowledge this is a possible situation even after months and years of consistency. M&Ms get us baths, non-screaming car rides, potty training, tooth brushing, and all other necessities of life. |
Anonymous
| If you allow her any shows/screen time in the evenings, move bath time earlier and let her watch her show while in the bath (with the iPad propped out of her reach, of course!) |
Anonymous
I’m not sure what you consider gentle parenting but even the commonly cited examples like Janet Lansbury will tell you that sometimes you just have to step in and take over and make your kid do something. If you’re looking for a parenting method where the kids never fight you then I don’t think you’ll find one. |
Anonymous
+1, one thing that helped me a lot as a parent was realizing that I needed to not internalize or even really respond to my kid's resistance to certain things. I think where parenting a stubborn kid can go wrong is how you emotionally respond to their stubbornness. You have to learn to have no response. Like you say "time for bath" and the kids starts running away, crying, hiding under a table? You just go start the bath, go get him and take his hand or pick him up, and then walk into the bathroom and say "you have to take a bath but you can choose how you get in -- do you want to step in or do you want me to put you in." You stay calm and cheerful the whole time, no response at all to his panic and resistance, and 9 times out of 10, he'll just get in the bath. Where things can go wrong as a parent is when you tell a kid to do something and they resist, and you get frustrated. Your frustration is the problem. That's what leads to just asking over and over (with the same result) or yelling or begging or bribing or whatever. You've given them too much power. This is a small child. If you decide he's taking a bath, he's taking a bath. You can give him some semblance of control over the situation (do you want to choose a toy for the bath? should we listen to music in the tub? do you want bubble bath or no?) but you don't have to view their resistance to the bath as really even an obstacle to the matter. It took me a while to figure this out but once I did, a lot of this stuff got easier and more importantly, didn't stress me out even when it wasn't easy. Sometimes kids resist baths and brushing teeth and going to bed. It's very common. You just accept this and persist. It's an outlook change. You don't expect them to always be easy and compliant, but you also don't view their lack of compliance as a big obstacle because you know that you are in charge and will get your way. |