Struggling getting 4 year old to cooperate

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One thing I've learned with my four-year-old is that it's easier to set the conditions for good behavior than to punish bad behavior.

When it comes to bath, getting dressed, getting in the car seat, etc., she wants to feel in control. Obviously she shouldn't be in control of these decisions, but when I give her the illusion of control she complies way better. So for example, I might ask whether she wants to have a disco bath (put the disco ball in the bathroom and listen to the Bee Gees during her bath) or a plain bath. Or I'll challenge her to see whether she can get in the bath before I count to ten (she has the choice about whether she gets in right now, or 8 seconds from now). Or (with clothes) I'll have her compete with her brother to see who can get dressed first (she always "wins" because he's a baby, and obviously he couldn't care less). It's not perfect, but it sure works a lot better than trying to punish her and turning bathtime into a war of the wills.

I’m the M&Ms poster. My kid sees right through these tactics. It’s the old “choices” tactic from gentle parenting. I’m amazed this actually works for any kids.

You have to actually make it fun for them. The point is not to “trick” them, they often know what you are doing but they are enjoying the excitement and fun. It might be that you have overthought aspects of this.

I'm the poster who suggested the disco bath. Forgot to mention one thing: when she doesn't get in the bath by the time we get to 10 I will put her there myself. So she knows that she can't choose not to do it--she merely chooses when within a 10-second timeframe. It does work for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are certain things (like hygiene) that are non-negotiable and should be treated like it. It’s always helpful to prepare ahead of time (“tonight after your episode of Wild Kratts, it will be bath time”). Adding choices within non/negotiables often helps, e.g.: “at bath time after Wild Kratts would you like bubbles or no bubbles?”).

This is the infant and toddler forum. Even Harvard Health and the Cleveland Clinic say a bath 2-3 times a week is plenty for this age group if they haven't been in the pool or rolling around in the mud. It's ok if it doesn't happen every night if a parent doesn't want to make this their battle at the end of the day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are certain things (like hygiene) that are non-negotiable and should be treated like it. It’s always helpful to prepare ahead of time (“tonight after your episode of Wild Kratts, it will be bath time”). Adding choices within non/negotiables often helps, e.g.: “at bath time after Wild Kratts would you like bubbles or no bubbles?”).

This is the infant and toddler forum. Even Harvard Health and the Cleveland Clinic say a bath 2-3 times a week is plenty for this age group if they haven't been in the pool or rolling around in the mud. It's ok if it doesn't happen every night if a parent doesn't want to make this their battle at the end of the day.

If a 4 year old only needs 2 baths per week (that is once every 3-4 days) they are either not getting outside enough or they smell to everyone around them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are certain things (like hygiene) that are non-negotiable and should be treated like it. It’s always helpful to prepare ahead of time (“tonight after your episode of Wild Kratts, it will be bath time”). Adding choices within non/negotiables often helps, e.g.: “at bath time after Wild Kratts would you like bubbles or no bubbles?”).

This is the infant and toddler forum. Even Harvard Health and the Cleveland Clinic say a bath 2-3 times a week is plenty for this age group if they haven't been in the pool or rolling around in the mud. It's ok if it doesn't happen every night if a parent doesn't want to make this their battle at the end of the day.

If a 4 year old only needs 2 baths per week (that is once every 3-4 days) they are either not getting outside enough or they smell to everyone around them.

I guess if your kid smells, then he's more often is warranted!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One thing I've learned with my four-year-old is that it's easier to set the conditions for good behavior than to punish bad behavior.

When it comes to bath, getting dressed, getting in the car seat, etc., she wants to feel in control. Obviously she shouldn't be in control of these decisions, but when I give her the illusion of control she complies way better. So for example, I might ask whether she wants to have a disco bath (put the disco ball in the bathroom and listen to the Bee Gees during her bath) or a plain bath. Or I'll challenge her to see whether she can get in the bath before I count to ten (she has the choice about whether she gets in right now, or 8 seconds from now). Or (with clothes) I'll have her compete with her brother to see who can get dressed first (she always "wins" because he's a baby, and obviously he couldn't care less). It's not perfect, but it sure works a lot better than trying to punish her and turning bathtime into a war of the wills.

I’m the M&Ms poster. My kid sees right through these tactics. It’s the old “choices” tactic from gentle parenting. I’m amazed this actually works for any kids.

It does work, but they have to know the main thing is non-negotiable. The choice is just an optional control lifeline. It’s not for convincing them to do the thing, it’s just like a control frustration off ramp. They don’t take it every time.

It does work…for you. It has never worked once for me. I tried this consistently for a year. She never picked one of the offered choices.

Right, and your approach works for you. But you have repeatedly criticized people on the thread for suggesting anything that didn't work for YOU. But it might work for OP. A parenting technique that doesn't work for you isn't de facto bad. It just means it didn't work for you. Let it go.

No. I have repeatedly criticized gentle parenting for limited approaches and for non-acknowledgment that its limited approaches don’t work for all (some like Lansbury do even claim they will definitely work for all).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One thing I've learned with my four-year-old is that it's easier to set the conditions for good behavior than to punish bad behavior.

When it comes to bath, getting dressed, getting in the car seat, etc., she wants to feel in control. Obviously she shouldn't be in control of these decisions, but when I give her the illusion of control she complies way better. So for example, I might ask whether she wants to have a disco bath (put the disco ball in the bathroom and listen to the Bee Gees during her bath) or a plain bath. Or I'll challenge her to see whether she can get in the bath before I count to ten (she has the choice about whether she gets in right now, or 8 seconds from now). Or (with clothes) I'll have her compete with her brother to see who can get dressed first (she always "wins" because he's a baby, and obviously he couldn't care less). It's not perfect, but it sure works a lot better than trying to punish her and turning bathtime into a war of the wills.

I’m the M&Ms poster. My kid sees right through these tactics. It’s the old “choices” tactic from gentle parenting. I’m amazed this actually works for any kids.

You have to actually make it fun for them. The point is not to “trick” them, they often know what you are doing but they are enjoying the excitement and fun. It might be that you have overthought aspects of this.

I'm the poster who suggested the disco bath. Forgot to mention one thing: when she doesn't get in the bath by the time we get to 10 I will put her there myself. So she knows that she can't choose not to do it--she merely chooses when within a 10-second timeframe. It does work for me.

This is huge. If you follow through with consistency then they know for next time.

[Anonymous]

You give warnings meaning plural and it lets her know to keep ignoring you because she will just get another warning. Follow through with a consequence each and every time and things will change

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You give warnings meaning plural and it lets her know to keep ignoring you because she will just get another warning. Follow through with a consequence each and every time and things will change

Gentle parenting forbids consequences except physical removal/“natural “ consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You give warnings meaning plural and it lets her know to keep ignoring you because she will just get another warning. Follow through with a consequence each and every time and things will change

Gentle parenting forbids consequences except physical removal/“natural “ consequences.

Why is this about "gentle parenting"? It's perfectly reasonable to combine choices with consequences for not complying within a reasonable time limit. No need to put an arbitrary label on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You give warnings meaning plural and it lets her know to keep ignoring you because she will just get another warning. Follow through with a consequence each and every time and things will change

Gentle parenting forbids consequences except physical removal/“natural “ consequences.

Why is this about "gentle parenting"? It's perfectly reasonable to combine choices with consequences for not complying within a reasonable time limit. No need to put an arbitrary label on it.

Natural consequences also work 90 percent of the time. If I ask my kids to stop standing in the bath tub and they stand again, bath is over. They are less likely to do it tomorrow. If we are trying to go to the park and a kid won’t put on shoes, they stay home with the other parent and the other kid goes to the park. I did that once and now they know not to try it again. If it is something they are less motivated to do, then natural consequences are harder to define. But we do things like, teeth brushing comes before books and any last fun thing we do at bedtime. So if you don’t brush teeth you just go straight to bed and your door is closed. The nights we do that are usually the nights where they cry for 3 mins then just pass out bc the reason they were misbehaving is that they were so exhausted and needed sleep.

I get that this doesn’t work for everyone but I don’t think it’s lax and I think it gets great results for me. No complaints.