I want my husband to cater to me during quality time - reasonable or unreasonable?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not unreasonable and I know what you mean. This is the dynamic in my marriage. On the occasions where we get the opportunity to take time for ourselves, my husband enjoys making it all about pampering and indulging me. Whatever restaurant I want, whatever meal I want him to make, whatever movie, long massages, foot rubs, saying sweet things etc. Or if I have decision fatigue and just want him to plan everything he will.

In our day to day life, I am the one doing 80% of the supporting and catering to his needs to keep our household running, our kids happy and healthy, and our careers on track. That's just due to our personalities and where our skillsets lie, not because he's a bum. I NEED those occasions where I feel pampered and doted on and appreciated, or the resentment would build and our marriage would be a disaster. He's doesn't need it in the same way and it makes him happy to meet my needs because...well, happy wife = happy life. It's a truism for a reason.

This is ok because PP's husband enjoys it, I guess, but I would consider this dynamic to be a sign of marital imbalance or of a seriously inattentive husband. I think OP needs to examine her marriage to see what is making her feel the need for the princess treatment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not unreasonable and I know what you mean. This is the dynamic in my marriage. On the occasions where we get the opportunity to take time for ourselves, my husband enjoys making it all about pampering and indulging me. Whatever restaurant I want, whatever meal I want him to make, whatever movie, long massages, foot rubs, saying sweet things etc. Or if I have decision fatigue and just want him to plan everything he will.

In our day to day life, I am the one doing 80% of the supporting and catering to his needs to keep our household running, our kids happy and healthy, and our careers on track. That's just due to our personalities and where our skillsets lie, not because he's a bum. I NEED those occasions where I feel pampered and doted on and appreciated, or the resentment would build and our marriage would be a disaster. He's doesn't need it in the same way and it makes him happy to meet my needs because...well, happy wife = happy life. It's a truism for a reason.

We have this dynamic too. My husband is very attentive and wants to please me. I certainly do a lot for him during the week so it doesn’t feel unbalanced. Don’t have any suggestions on how to change OP’s husband’s behavior but can understand her wanting a little more attentiveness from him.

[Anonymous]

So when does OP's husband have all this time to fish either by himself or with her? Does not reconcile with their limited time away without children.

[Anonymous]

Is this in everyday life or the bedroom too?

For the latter- Praise kink. I have this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I genuinely don’t know if I am being reasonable or unreasonable and would like to hear others’ perspectives.

We have been married 10 years and have 2 kids.

During infrequent date nights or weekend trips sans kids (super rare), I want my husband to primarily be focused on making me happy and how I am feeling vs. his own preferences and desires. Once my “cup is full” I have tons to give, but I crave the dynamic of being catered to as a means to relax me and make me feel loved and close to my husband.

I do not mind if my husband takes time for himself or his hobbies on other occasions, which he does, but on a rare date night I want it to be about me.

Instead what often happens is that he is self-focused and oriented around his whims and desires instead of tuning in with me. For example he will insist on a restaurant he knows I don’t like (he’ll back down if I make a thing of it but who wants to have to do that?) or a weekend destination where he can do an activity he wants to do, like fish or similar.

He has plenty of opportunities to do the things he wants and have his preferences, with me or without me.

Am I being unreasonable for having an itch to feel catered to once in a blue moon and to want to have him indulge me around my wants for a whole evening or short weekend away?

You sound exhausting

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like a few things could be going on:

1) Your husband is a jerk, he wants what he wants and doesn't care what you want. That's why he's proposing restaurants you don't like-- because he doesn't care what you like. And he wants to do his hobbies and doesn't care about spending time with you, he's just letting you come along to check the box on spending time together.

2) Your husband wants you to participate in his hobbies with him. That's why doing his hobbies on his own is not satisfying him.

3) Something's really wrong in your marriage because you feel like you're giving all the time and he's not paying attention to you, so you think you need this kind of date to make up for it. But I don't think you're going to really feel like the scales are even. A weekend of "catering" every three months doesn't make it okay to be an inattentive, oblivious jerk to your wife the rest of the time, and I think you know that.

[Anonymous]

You want romance he wants sex. And good food.

We women see these fake romances on tv and think they are real. Like the date night thing. Who made that up ?
You don't plan love. Love happens. Anything you force never ever works out. You want intimacy ? SHOW HIM and he will show you.

[Anonymous]

Stop being so needy and tell him to stop being a DB.

[Anonymous]

Have you tried upping the amount of oral sex administered to grease the wheels?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You want romance he wants sex. And good food.

We women see these fake romances on tv and think they are real. Like the date night thing. Who made that up ?
You don't plan love. Love happens. Anything you force never ever works out. You want intimacy ? SHOW HIM and he will show you.

Love happens? Really? Sounds like a cutsie title to a RomCom starring High Grant. Love doesn’t just happen it takes work.

[Anonymous]

^Hugh Grant

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I genuinely don’t know if I am being reasonable or unreasonable and would like to hear others’ perspectives.

We have been married 10 years and have 2 kids.

During infrequent date nights or weekend trips sans kids (super rare), I want my husband to primarily be focused on making me happy and how I am feeling vs. his own preferences and desires. Once my “cup is full” I have tons to give, but I crave the dynamic of being catered to as a means to relax me and make me feel loved and close to my husband.

I do not mind if my husband takes time for himself or his hobbies on other occasions, which he does, but on a rare date night I want it to be about me.

Instead what often happens is that he is self-focused and oriented around his whims and desires instead of tuning in with me. For example he will insist on a restaurant he knows I don’t like (he’ll back down if I make a thing of it but who wants to have to do that?) or a weekend destination where he can do an activity he wants to do, like fish or similar.

He has plenty of opportunities to do the things he wants and have his preferences, with me or without me.

Am I being unreasonable for having an itch to feel catered to once in a blue moon and to want to have him indulge me around my wants for a whole evening or short weekend away?

I I I I, me me me me

No one on the world, not even your own mother will worship you this level. Even the most loving individual has a great measure of self interest and is not at awe of anyone at this level. The level of neediness expressed will repulse anyone...if one has to do this much begging, either maybe the begger isn't really deserving of the admiration they want or the begger hates others so much that she demands that people beneath her goodness gives her what she is due.

[Anonymous]

OP comes off entitled and obnoxious. Woman here. I wouldn’t be able to stand her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is OP being coy (koi?) about her man not dining on fish?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your phrasing makes you sound selfish, but I don't think its what you really mean. If DH and I had rare date nights and he chose a restaurant he knows I don't like, I'd be annoyed too. If he chose a weekend getaway based on his interests alone, I'd be annoyed. You aren't really asking for him to only focus on you and your happiness. You're asking him to take into account what would make you happy too.

Agreed. OP, you sound selfish in your word choices. But when you explain it sounds reasonable. I wonder if you are not communicating with your DH very well.

FWIW, I plan trips that will only please my DH. He then reciprocates and will do whatever I want to do. Ex: We went on a fly-fishing trip that I planned. I had never been any kind of fishing and had zero interest. But part of the trip was me taking fly fishing lessons with a private guide, who basically took us both to an amazing part of the river that my DH wouldn't have had access to otherwise. It was a magical experience. Next time he took me to Paris. But we both knew to do those things by each of us talking about things we would love to do.

As to date night, if you don't have things to do in common, then alternate. Date night isn't just about you.

All that said, if your DH is doing his own thing regularly without you, basically catering to his own desires, and you aren't doing your own thing without him, then the times you spend together should be about what you would like to do. But that really isn't a strong marriage.