I want my husband to cater to me during quality time - reasonable or unreasonable?

[Anonymous]

I genuinely don’t know if I am being reasonable or unreasonable and would like to hear others’ perspectives.

We have been married 10 years and have 2 kids.

During infrequent date nights or weekend trips sans kids (super rare), I want my husband to primarily be focused on making me happy and how I am feeling vs. his own preferences and desires. Once my “cup is full” I have tons to give, but I crave the dynamic of being catered to as a means to relax me and make me feel loved and close to my husband.

I do not mind if my husband takes time for himself or his hobbies on other occasions, which he does, but on a rare date night I want it to be about me.

Instead what often happens is that he is self-focused and oriented around his whims and desires instead of tuning in with me. For example he will insist on a restaurant he knows I don’t like (he’ll back down if I make a thing of it but who wants to have to do that?) or a weekend destination where he can do an activity he wants to do, like fish or similar.

He has plenty of opportunities to do the things he wants and have his preferences, with me or without me.

Am I being unreasonable for having an itch to feel catered to once in a blue moon and to want to have him indulge me around my wants for a whole evening or short weekend away?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you want him to woo you again like in dating. It's reasonable but you need to be communicating your wants/needs to him. If he doesn't know then he's already losing a battle.

[Anonymous]

I mean he probably also daydreams about having you cater to his whims and desires every time you have private time as a couple. Ideally it's a two way street.

[Anonymous]

What do you mean by cater to you?

I don’t think it’s unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I genuinely don’t know if I am being reasonable or unreasonable and would like to hear others’ perspectives.

We have been married 10 years and have 2 kids.

During infrequent date nights or weekend trips sans kids (super rare), I want my husband to primarily be focused on making me happy and how I am feeling vs. his own preferences and desires. Once my “cup is full” I have tons to give, but I crave the dynamic of being catered to as a means to relax me and make me feel loved and close to my husband.

I do not mind if my husband takes time for himself or his hobbies on other occasions, which he does, but on a rare date night I want it to be about me.

Instead what often happens is that he is self-focused and oriented around his whims and desires instead of tuning in with me. For example he will insist on a restaurant he knows I don’t like (he’ll back down if I make a thing of it but who wants to have to do that?) or a weekend destination where he can do an activity he wants to do, like fish or similar.

He has plenty of opportunities to do the things he wants and have his preferences, with me or without me.

Am I being unreasonable for having an itch to feel catered to once in a blue moon and to want to have him indulge me around my wants for a whole evening or short weekend away?

LOL. How magnanimous of you to allow him to take care of himself if he needs to, on his own, and only if and after he takes care of you during "together" time. Very one-sided perspective, OP. Every single date night cannot be all about you (let's not even get into the weekend away needing to be focused entirely on your preferences, for the entire time. JFC). Take turns. If the date nights are too infrequent, get them on the calendar for every week, and you can have two WIFE AND NOTHING BUT THE WIFE nights a month.

[Anonymous]

"Date nights" are about a couple. Not just one person.

It does sound like he can give a little more, but you sound unreasonable to want him to worship you like a goddess over her slaves.

[Anonymous]

Do you get time for yourself/your hobbies? Is your 'together' the time your break, and his time 'his' break?

[Anonymous]

I think you should take turns planning date nights. See how that goes.

[Anonymous]

What's your ideal way to spend a kid-free evening or weekend? What is his? My spouse has one thing and one thing only on his mind when we get rare kid-free time; I like other things, too. See if you can meet in the middle.

[Anonymous]

I think the way you put it sounds one sided, selfish and unreasonable. But if what you’re saying is that you want to do things you both like rather than spend time with him doing what he likes, it’s not unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

No it’s not unreasonable .

The unreasonable part is that you want him to read your mind.

Sorry but you have to use your words.

[Anonymous]

You sound selfish to me. It's a 2-way street. One date all about you and next date for him to be "catered" to.

[Anonymous]

Is OP being coy (koi?) about her man not dining on fish?

[Anonymous]

Your phrasing makes you sound selfish, but I don't think its what you really mean. If DH and I had rare date nights and he chose a restaurant he knows I don't like, I'd be annoyed too. If he chose a weekend getaway based on his interests alone, I'd be annoyed. You aren't really asking for him to only focus on you and your happiness. You're asking him to take into account what would make you happy too.

[Anonymous]

I hope you aren’t using the word “cater” in real-life conversations with him. It has a bad connotation in this context, and makes you sound like a self-centered twit, as some of these responses indicate.