I want my husband to cater to me during quality time - reasonable or unreasonable?

[Anonymous]

Catering to you happens on your birthday. Date nights are for both of your needs so should involve things you enjoy together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your phrasing makes you sound selfish, but I don't think its what you really mean. If DH and I had rare date nights and he chose a restaurant he knows I don't like, I'd be annoyed too. If he chose a weekend getaway based on his interests alone, I'd be annoyed. You aren't really asking for him to only focus on you and your happiness. You're asking him to take into account what would make you happy too.

This. It sounds like OP would like to be considered, not necessarily catered to (though I don't have a problem w/ the latter if it's clear and your partner consents).

Your husband sounds thoughtless, and a bit self-centered. I can understand your frustration. That said, if you want to be centered, center yourself. You sound bitter that he gets his time. Take your own. You are upset that he suggests places you don't like. Maybe you should make the plans for your next date.

The pp's telling you to use your words are correct.

[Anonymous]

I agree with other PP that your husband sounds a little self centered. It’s not easy to get someome that’s naturally self centered to then be selfless. I have the opposite problem. I never think of myself and therefore am basically a doormat. Not sure which one’s worse but personally Id rather be a selfless doormat, than a self centered duffus.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you need to do the things he doesn’t enjoy on your own.

And work on finding things that you both enjoy.

Didn’t you negotiate the restaurant thing when you were dating?

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he wants you to cater to him, and you want him to cater to you. Can't you take turns doing this? Or find things you both enjoy and take turns picking from that list?

[Anonymous]

You do sound like a bit of a princess TBH. An evening is one thing, but a whole weekend of one-way "catering" is too much to expect. And "I can only fill your cup after you fill mine" is no way to operate a marriage.

When are you going to cater to him?

[Anonymous]

This should be a dynamic that is discussed with expectations laid out, understood and agreed.

While not a kink, in the sense you are desiring, a similar conversation would clear up any ambiguity.

This comes from someone that feels the same way you do. While it is a natural trait for my husband to treat me this way, my bringing it up let him know that it was important to me. On the flip side in the bedroom I hate being catered to, I give all control over to him.

[Anonymous]

Your words are terrible and make you sound like a spoiled princess.

[Anonymous]

If you want him to do things with you that you like half the time, in exchange for you doing things he likes the other half of the time, that is totally reasonable.

If you want him to plan an entire night full of surprises for you that you will love, it is unreasonable, even for a birthday. True, some men can do this, but it is beyond most of them. Better for you to articulate what exactly you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your words are terrible and make you sound like a spoiled princess.

Your comment makes you sound like a twat.

[Anonymous]

You sound super high maintenance and annoying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You do sound like a bit of a princess TBH. An evening is one thing, but a whole weekend of one-way "catering" is too much to expect. And "I can only fill your cup after you fill mine" is no way to operate a marriage.

When are you going to cater to him?

Yes to this. You sound like you want him to plan everything but only to your specifications. But you won’t tell him what they are. So you think he is selfish for not guessing correctly.

He is your husband and I find husbands aren’t good at mind reading.

[Anonymous]

It's not unreasonable and I know what you mean. This is the dynamic in my marriage. On the occasions where we get the opportunity to take time for ourselves, my husband enjoys making it all about pampering and indulging me. Whatever restaurant I want, whatever meal I want him to make, whatever movie, long massages, foot rubs, saying sweet things etc. Or if I have decision fatigue and just want him to plan everything he will.

In our day to day life, I am the one doing 80% of the supporting and catering to his needs to keep our household running, our kids happy and healthy, and our careers on track. That's just due to our personalities and where our skillsets lie, not because he's a bum. I NEED those occasions where I feel pampered and doted on and appreciated, or the resentment would build and our marriage would be a disaster. He's doesn't need it in the same way and it makes him happy to meet my needs because...well, happy wife = happy life. It's a truism for a reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your words are terrible and make you sound like a spoiled princess.

Your comment makes you sound like a twat.

I guess you are a spoiled princess too and my comments hit too close to home.

[Anonymous]

It’s reasonable if it’s your birthday, OP. Otherwise, it’s unreasonable. Grow up.