Nieces and nephews

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tbh I don’t think it’s the kids. It’s however their parents have taught them to view you over the years.

Yes, that sadly might be true. My brother married young and built a family. I have not found anyone. I think they disapprove and assume I live a wild lifestyle when it's really not that way at all. I work, I hang out with my dog, I have a few friends.
Unfortunately, several of my single friends have noted that they feel isolated by the rest of their family because they're unmarried. The sad thing is that most of us did want to marry and have kids, but it just didn't happen, and it adds insult to injury to cut us out socially.
Luckily this hasn't effected my relationship with my parents. We're really close.

I’m sorry, OP. You seem like a truly nice person. It’s wonderful that you love your family. Hopefully at least one or two of the kids will appreciate you as they age. As a twenty something, both my DH and I were close with extended relatives on both sides. This might happen because being a real adult can be tough and you need encouragement and someone to listen.

Also I agree that this is largely due to the parents. I hate the American way of only seeing immediate family as real family.

I hate when people make blanket characterizations like this about American families that are flatly untrue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tbh I don’t think it’s the kids. It’s however their parents have taught them to view you over the years.

Yes, that sadly might be true. My brother married young and built a family. I have not found anyone. I think they disapprove and assume I live a wild lifestyle when it's really not that way at all. I work, I hang out with my dog, I have a few friends.
Unfortunately, several of my single friends have noted that they feel isolated by the rest of their family because they're unmarried. The sad thing is that most of us did want to marry and have kids, but it just didn't happen, and it adds insult to injury to cut us out socially.
Luckily this hasn't effected my relationship with my parents. We're really close.

I’m sorry, OP. You seem like a truly nice person. It’s wonderful that you love your family. Hopefully at least one or two of the kids will appreciate you as they age. As a twenty something, both my DH and I were close with extended relatives on both sides. This might happen because being a real adult can be tough and you need encouragement and someone to listen.

Also I agree that this is largely due to the parents. I hate the American way of only seeing immediate family as real family.

I hate when people make blanket characterizations like this about American families that are flatly untrue.

This entire thread kind of makes the point. There are exceptions, of course, but many Americans aren’t really much into extended family. I’d say the AA community is a definite exception.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tbh I don’t think it’s the kids. It’s however their parents have taught them to view you over the years.

Yes, that sadly might be true. My brother married young and built a family. I have not found anyone. I think they disapprove and assume I live a wild lifestyle when it's really not that way at all. I work, I hang out with my dog, I have a few friends.
Unfortunately, several of my single friends have noted that they feel isolated by the rest of their family because they're unmarried. The sad thing is that most of us did want to marry and have kids, but it just didn't happen, and it adds insult to injury to cut us out socially.
Luckily this hasn't effected my relationship with my parents. We're really close.

I’m sorry, OP. You seem like a truly nice person. It’s wonderful that you love your family. Hopefully at least one or two of the kids will appreciate you as they age. As a twenty something, both my DH and I were close with extended relatives on both sides. This might happen because being a real adult can be tough and you need encouragement and someone to listen.

Also I agree that this is largely due to the parents. I hate the American way of only seeing immediate family as real family.

I hate when people make blanket characterizations like this about American families that are flatly untrue.

This entire thread kind of makes the point. There are exceptions, of course, but many Americans aren’t really much into extended family. I’d say the AA community is a definite exception.

And I’d say using this board to make generalizations about American families is idiotic - this is not reflective of most family dynamics. It’s a board generally for people with issues, wanting to vent or asking advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tbh I don’t think it’s the kids. It’s however their parents have taught them to view you over the years.

Yes, that sadly might be true. My brother married young and built a family. I have not found anyone. I think they disapprove and assume I live a wild lifestyle when it's really not that way at all. I work, I hang out with my dog, I have a few friends.
Unfortunately, several of my single friends have noted that they feel isolated by the rest of their family because they're unmarried. The sad thing is that most of us did want to marry and have kids, but it just didn't happen, and it adds insult to injury to cut us out socially.
Luckily this hasn't effected my relationship with my parents. We're really close.

I’m sorry, OP. You seem like a truly nice person. It’s wonderful that you love your family. Hopefully at least one or two of the kids will appreciate you as they age. As a twenty something, both my DH and I were close with extended relatives on both sides. This might happen because being a real adult can be tough and you need encouragement and someone to listen.

Also I agree that this is largely due to the parents. I hate the American way of only seeing immediate family as real family.

I hate when people make blanket characterizations like this about American families that are flatly untrue.

This entire thread kind of makes the point. There are exceptions, of course, but many Americans aren’t really much into extended family. I’d say the AA community is a definite exception.

I agree. I saw my aunt as this distant person. This was also due to how often the families got together, and that was controlled by the adults.

The niece I see most often is close with one of my kids, and I helped facilitate their connection by staying in touch with a difficult sibling at the expense of my own mental health and a lot of money on therapy. My therapist suggested treating the sibling as a divorced ex which was helpful yet still stressful.

My sibling trashes people so I’m sure she has trashed me to her family. (She trashes them to me.) If left to my niece, I’d probably never hear from her just based on whatever my sibling has said about me.

My sibling wants control and a relationship with my kids but my kids have been insulted by that sibling and are old enough now to see the mental illness. I stopped shielding them from it.

After many years, I told my kids they had to forge their own relationships as I had kept a relationship with that sibling so they’d have access to their cousins.

My mind and body took a toll from the mentally ill sibling. I’m tired. I’m very low contact with that sibling now and that means little contact with the niece…for now at least.

My sibling dominates conversations and has to center themselves at all times, so I prefer to see all relatives when that sibling is not around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tbh I don’t think it’s the kids. It’s however their parents have taught them to view you over the years.

Yes, that sadly might be true. My brother married young and built a family. I have not found anyone. I think they disapprove and assume I live a wild lifestyle when it's really not that way at all. I work, I hang out with my dog, I have a few friends.
Unfortunately, several of my single friends have noted that they feel isolated by the rest of their family because they're unmarried. The sad thing is that most of us did want to marry and have kids, but it just didn't happen, and it adds insult to injury to cut us out socially.
Luckily this hasn't effected my relationship with my parents. We're really close.

I’m sorry, OP. You seem like a truly nice person. It’s wonderful that you love your family. Hopefully at least one or two of the kids will appreciate you as they age. As a twenty something, both my DH and I were close with extended relatives on both sides. This might happen because being a real adult can be tough and you need encouragement and someone to listen.

Also I agree that this is largely due to the parents. I hate the American way of only seeing immediate family as real family.

You're wrong about this. Myself and the majority of LGBTQ friends have had to create our own families. I don't know who you talk to, but they don't speak for all americans. Lots of us have chosen family.

[Anonymous]

Are you sure your niece even uses what’s app? My teenagers don’t and would never see a message there

[Anonymous]

OP, I was one of those "nieces" and "granddaughters" back in the day, forced to have a relationship with adults I had nothing in common with other than blood. They didn't want to get to know me, they wanted to take pictures with me, all dolled up, or use me as someone to brag about "Oh, my niece got into Yale". I just never really felt like they wanted to know the real me, my interests, etc. So I drifted away. I will text back once in a blue moon but I really have nothing to say to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tbh I don’t think it’s the kids. It’s however their parents have taught them to view you over the years.

Yes, that sadly might be true. My brother married young and built a family. I have not found anyone. I think they disapprove and assume I live a wild lifestyle when it's really not that way at all. I work, I hang out with my dog, I have a few friends.
Unfortunately, several of my single friends have noted that they feel isolated by the rest of their family because they're unmarried. The sad thing is that most of us did want to marry and have kids, but it just didn't happen, and it adds insult to injury to cut us out socially.
Luckily this hasn't effected my relationship with my parents. We're really close.

I’m sorry, OP. You seem like a truly nice person. It’s wonderful that you love your family. Hopefully at least one or two of the kids will appreciate you as they age. As a twenty something, both my DH and I were close with extended relatives on both sides. This might happen because being a real adult can be tough and you need encouragement and someone to listen.

Also I agree that this is largely due to the parents. I hate the American way of only seeing immediate family as real family.

You're wrong about this. Myself and the majority of LGBTQ friends have had to create our own families. I don't know who you talk to, but they don't speak for all americans. Lots of us have chosen family.

I come from a dysfunctional family and have had to build my own as an adult, though I am heterosexual I have numerous friends who are LGBTQ and I know exactly what you mean.

I think however that the poster you are replying to was talking about the American focus on the nuclear family - parents and their kids - versus focusing more on extended family, cousins et al.

I think that focus is more evident in WASPy families, as I have known families from other cultures - AA, Latino/Hispanic, and southern European who are more close knitted and where cousins are seen more like extra siblings - but this happens more of course when families all live in close proximity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was one of those "nieces" and "granddaughters" back in the day, forced to have a relationship with adults I had nothing in common with other than blood. They didn't want to get to know me, they wanted to take pictures with me, all dolled up, or use me as someone to brag about "Oh, my niece got into Yale". I just never really felt like they wanted to know the real me, my interests, etc. So I drifted away. I will text back once in a blue moon but I really have nothing to say to them.

This. I come from one of the cultures people glorify as very extended family oriented, but it was all for show. As long as I went to fancy schools and did fancy and stayed thin and looked good then I was loved and shown off in photos. It's exhausting. So many people felt so close to me because i played along to survive and was a people pleaser. They have NO idea who I am, what my interests are or anything. It's phony. These days I am too busy with life and parenting and work to play the game. My relationships are real and I don't ake time for BS. Not saying this is you, but just because your title is aunt doesn't mean they need to be close. I could care less about gifts or how many times I was forced to go to a family event. I care about real genuine heartfelt connection.

[Anonymous]

I think gifts go a long way. Money and tangible gifts are appreciated and are a way of showing love. Kids, teens, and young adults respond to very enthusiastically to gifts. I would send them a monetary gift or a gift card and they a note saying I was thinking of them and please reach out and say hello. I would also include in the gift a note that says I love you and I think about you, etc. But.... that's just me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was one of those "nieces" and "granddaughters" back in the day, forced to have a relationship with adults I had nothing in common with other than blood. They didn't want to get to know me, they wanted to take pictures with me, all dolled up, or use me as someone to brag about "Oh, my niece got into Yale". I just never really felt like they wanted to know the real me, my interests, etc. So I drifted away. I will text back once in a blue moon but I really have nothing to say to them.

This. I come from one of the cultures people glorify as very extended family oriented, but it was all for show. As long as I went to fancy schools and did fancy and stayed thin and looked good then I was loved and shown off in photos. It's exhausting. So many people felt so close to me because i played along to survive and was a people pleaser. They have NO idea who I am, what my interests are or anything. It's phony. These days I am too busy with life and parenting and work to play the game. My relationships are real and I don't ake time for BS. Not saying this is you, but just because your title is aunt doesn't mean they need to be close. I could care less about gifts or how many times I was forced to go to a family event. I care about real genuine heartfelt connection.

Well, my greatgrands and grandparents were immigrants and had a ton of kids, who each had a ton of kids. So a huge extended family. I was actually really close to most of them growing up, and was cared for by grandparents and aunts/uncles a lot. Or, I should say I thought we were close. The moment I moved and didn't do every major event in [small midwestern town] they just sort of stopped. Never visited. Didn't come to my wedding, etc. They were all fully capable, health wise and financially. But it was either I use my vacation time and go there or that was it . . . so, that was it. They know what it is like to be a young working adult, and have kids, etc. Most of them were retired or nearly retired. But they didn't. And I was just way too busy with working FT and kids, etc. So, we just drifted as it made clear that I was only important if I lived in the same town.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think gifts go a long way. Money and tangible gifts are appreciated and are a way of showing love. Kids, teens, and young adults respond to very enthusiastically to gifts. I would send them a monetary gift or a gift card and they a note saying I was thinking of them and please reach out and say hello. I would also include in the gift a note that says I love you and I think about you, etc. But.... that's just me

Eh. I always send gifts to my nieces/nephews and it’s done nothing to build a relationship. It’s the lazy man way. I think OP has the right idea with FaceTime, texting, call.

[Anonymous]

I think that is rude and it sucks that your sibling didn’t raise kinder, more gracious kids. Hopefully they outgrow it.

[Anonymous]

OP, I haven't read all of the replies but I think it's rude. Growing up, about once a year, my aunt would taking me shopping and out to lunch, and I truly treasured that time between us. We didn't live in the same city but I wouldn't have blatantly ignored calls from her.

I have nieces and nephews who behave this way and I think it's a shame.

[Anonymous]

Look , real relationships require both parties to want to establish and continue that relationship. You can’t force or be upset when someone doesn’t want to do this with you. A call, FaceTime, text or social media message isn’t like tag now you’re obligated to engage back and now we have a close relationship. This is too one sided.

If you don’t share a common passion or career, don’t live nearby , or aren’t aligned for both parties to want to be close then the most you would have would be a superficial relationship based on infrequent hallmark messages and well wishes. Some people like this but others find it really pointless.

It sounds like the OP does not have a close relationship with the young adult nieces and nephews. They aren’t rude for not wanting this or pretending.

Young adults are building their independence and busy. If OP is lonely, she should seek out the older and elderly relatives who probably are lonely too.