Nieces and nephews

[Anonymous]

I don't have kids. My brother has four. We don't live in the same city but I visited often when his kids were young. I was crazy about them, as any aunt is! In their teenaged years, they were busier and I didn't visit as often, but they each got a phone at around age 14 and I'd keep in touch that way, not too often but to send birthday wishes or memes on occasion. They're pretty typical teens, often just responding to texts with nothing but "ya", which I found amusing. I remember being a teenager and I never wanted to be the weird aunt or bother them with annoying questions. But obviously I love them and want them to know I love them and think of them.
Now they're in the 18-22 range. They're still pretty uninterested in having anything to do with me, but one of them does not even acknowledge me. The other three are polite, if not warm or forthcoming. I'll get a heart reaction or an lol, which is fine.
Last week was the twins' birthday. One twin picked up when I video called and said he was hanging with his friends. I said "Ok, have a great time! I'll let you get back to your buddies, but just wanted to wish you a happy birthday!" The call lasted about thirty seconds. The other twin didn't pick up when I called, so I sent a text saying that I was calling to wish her a happy birthday. It's on WhatsApp and appears unread. That's what happens to all of my texts to her. Generally it means that she saw that I texted but didn't click on it. She never will.

It hurts my feelings but, again, I remember being a teenager and I'm trying not to take it personally. But I do think it's pretty rude.

The kids have other aunts and uncles and I don't think any of them reach out to the kids at all, but I'm the only one without my own family.

The whole thing just makes me feel kind of...I don't know. Well, it kind of feels like shit. Any snub feels like shit. I can't say anything to my brother. There's nothing I can do. I'll keep reaching out on birthdays and things because I'm the adult. And I hope that when she's older we'll have a closer relationship.

I guess my question here is: Am I wrong to feel kind of hurt by this? Am I right to think she's being rude?
I know it's not my place to say or do anything about this but keep on as I have. I guess I want to know if my feelings are valid.

[Anonymous]

I think the college years are when kids are at their most self-absorbed. I almost never heard from my nieces when they were that age. Now that they are in their 20s and working, I hear from them more often. They will even let me know if they are coming through DC for work. I would not take it personally. It’s normal to feel hurt by a snub, but don’t linger on it. That niece may come around in a few years and turn into a really lovely adult who calls you back!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't have kids. My brother has four. We don't live in the same city but I visited often when his kids were young. I was crazy about them, as any aunt is! In their teenaged years, they were busier and I didn't visit as often, but they each got a phone at around age 14 and I'd keep in touch that way, not too often but to send birthday wishes or memes on occasion. They're pretty typical teens, often just responding to texts with nothing but "ya", which I found amusing. I remember being a teenager and I never wanted to be the weird aunt or bother them with annoying questions. But obviously I love them and want them to know I love them and think of them.
Now they're in the 18-22 range. They're still pretty uninterested in having anything to do with me, but one of them does not even acknowledge me. The other three are polite, if not warm or forthcoming. I'll get a heart reaction or an lol, which is fine.
Last week was the twins' birthday. One twin picked up when I video called and said he was hanging with his friends. I said "Ok, have a great time! I'll let you get back to your buddies, but just wanted to wish you a happy birthday!" The call lasted about thirty seconds. The other twin didn't pick up when I called, so I sent a text saying that I was calling to wish her a happy birthday. It's on WhatsApp and appears unread. That's what happens to all of my texts to her. Generally it means that she saw that I texted but didn't click on it. She never will.

It hurts my feelings but, again, I remember being a teenager and I'm trying not to take it personally. But I do think it's pretty rude.

The kids have other aunts and uncles and I don't think any of them reach out to the kids at all, but I'm the only one without my own family.

The whole thing just makes me feel kind of...I don't know. Well, it kind of feels like shit. Any snub feels like shit. I can't say anything to my brother. There's nothing I can do. I'll keep reaching out on birthdays and things because I'm the adult. And I hope that when she's older we'll have a closer relationship.

I guess my question here is: Am I wrong to feel kind of hurt by this? Am I right to think she's being rude?
I know it's not my place to say or do anything about this but keep on as I have. I guess I want to know if my feelings are valid.

If you really want to keep a connection, send gift cards, not memes AND don't try to FaceTime. If kids don't have any feelings for you. You can't force it. They didn't grow up bonding with you.

[Anonymous]

I agree - college age kids are very selfish and self-absorbed. I don't think I talked with my aunts/uncles/cousins at all when I was that age unless I saw them when I was home. Now as an adult I make a point to text with them, see them when we are home visiting, etc. Just stay in contact, don't push too hard and don't say anything about being hurt. They will come around.

[Anonymous]

College was such a bubble for me, I barely responded to anything happening outside it. I wouldn't take it personally, OP. Truly. Just keep sending those quick texts and be available for them in the future.

[Anonymous]

I’ve spent lots of time and money visiting and taking my nieces and nephews out to build a relationship.

You can’t have a relationship over a phone.

I go to their city and take them out to dinner or shopping. I take their friends out. I pay for bowling parties at Xmas when I visit. You can’t believe how much college kids like bowling. lol.

The ones I rarely see I am less close to.

[Anonymous]

I got very invested in my sister's kids when they were grade school and high school ages. I was thoughtful and generous and when they were little they were very enthusiastic about auntie's visits - but as they got older it became clear that while they were perfectly happy to take material gifts/support from me, or be taken places by me, they had no interest in maintaining anything like a close relationship - and no, there were no thoughtful cards or gifts in return. I didn't really want or need material gifts from them anyway, but it was the total lack of thinking of me that finally made me realize the relationships were always going to be one-way streets and in recent years I have just dropped the rope altogether.

I can't say I see this behavior as normal, except as normal in people who are very self-centered. From the time I was a little kid I was thoughtful and loving to my aunties and grandmas, my parents and siblings - I would frequently spend my babysitting and paper route money on little gifts for them rather than on myself. During college I was incredibly busy and didn't maintain the relationships as much as I should have - but if I'd lived in a time of cell phones and free communication, I absolutely would have, for me the obstacle was the high cost of long distance calls. I should have sent cards or letters much more often and I regret that I didn't.

I think some people are more generous of spirit and others are not. Sounds like your nieces and nephews fall into the latter category, as did mine.

I'm lucky that I now share a house with my childhood best friend and her daughter who is 14 is really quite thoughtful and generous of spirit with me, although in recent years it has diminished but the same is true of her attention to her parents and I have no doubt she will cycle back out of that as she gets a little older. She doesn't visit me on my floor as much as she used to - she's too busy playing games online with friends and spends much more time in her room than she did when she was younger. But for Xmas this year she got me a beautiful little book about mushrooms because she noticed me posting mycology photos on Facebook a lot this past year as I've developed an interest in that field. I was so incredibly touched that she paid attention and thought of me like that, and honestly she has always done so - usually it's little gifts with a focus on dogs because I'm a huge dog person. I'm grateful to have such a sweet kid in my life and I focus on that now and not on the nieces and nephews who never reach out at all. I'm sure if I win the lottery they will be calling me every day so at that point I'll change my number.

[Anonymous]

Even parents have trouble getting their own children to respond to texts and calls while they're off at college. They're busy, self-absorbed, and awake at odd hours. Offer the birthday and holiday greetings and let it go.

[Anonymous]

I'm not that young, but I dont pick up when anyone randomly facetimes. Thats so annoying.
And are you sure she uses whatsapp? If every single whatsapp message you send is unread she may not have notifications on and isnt readily checking it.

That said, yes it sucks to feel like your family is uninterested in you! Especially when you've tried to build a relationship with them in their younger years. I wouldn't worry too much about it, as relationships ebb and flow and change with age. I hope they come back to you when theyre a bit older and mature and see the love you've put in with them for the past decades.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think she is rude. It isn’t about you.

Have you thought about forming more friendships or fostering kids in your own life so you aren’t so invested in your brothers’ children’s lives? I think in general what you are doing is ok. It’s just the hurt you feel and that you are over analyzing the behaviors of college age kids that make me think you are too invested.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve spent lots of time and money visiting and taking my nieces and nephews out to build a relationship.

You can’t have a relationship over a phone.

I go to their city and take them out to dinner or shopping. I take their friends out. I pay for bowling parties at Xmas when I visit. You can’t believe how much college kids like bowling. lol.

The ones I rarely see I am less close to.

What if OP doesn't have money to express her love?

[Anonymous]

I see my nieces 2-3 times a year at family events now that all the kids are in college. When they were little, we invested time to have relationships by getting the families together omfir a week each summer. Cousins got to play, and I got to know the nieces. Now in college, I occasionally text, always like their IG posts and send bday and holiday gifts

I do not call. College kids today (mine and my nieces, and even the 20-somethings at my office) do not like phone calls. They perceive phone calls as a rude interruption of their time. They communicate via text

[Anonymous]

You can’t force a relationship or expect your nieces and nephews to be under obligation to you. They should be polite of course but they don’t need to engage beyond being polite. Just because you text them, it doesn’t mean they have to engage you in a text conversation or share personal information with you about their lives.

These aunts who expect something in return are really off base. As kids, they didn’t push you to give them gifts. You did this. Of course, they accepted them, played with them, thanked you etc. A child is not going to say thank you for your generosity but I can’t accept this gift. I don’t know if as an adult I will want to reciprocate in the manner you expect or establish the relationship you want. To avoid hurt feelings down the road, I must decline.

They aren’t being selfish just because they don’t want a closer relationship with you. There aren’t any tricks to force this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can’t force a relationship or expect your nieces and nephews to be under obligation to you. They should be polite of course but they don’t need to engage beyond being polite. Just because you text them, it doesn’t mean they have to engage you in a text conversation or share personal information with you about their lives.

These aunts who expect something in return are really off base. As kids, they didn’t push you to give them gifts. You did this. Of course, they accepted them, played with them, thanked you etc. A child is not going to say thank you for your generosity but I can’t accept this gift. I don’t know if as an adult I will want to reciprocate in the manner you expect or establish the relationship you want. To avoid hurt feelings down the road, I must decline.

They aren’t being selfish just because they don’t want a closer relationship with you. There aren’t any tricks to force this.

!


I certainly don't expect them to share personal information about their lives with me! Maybe just a heart reaction or "tx" to a Happy Birthday text, which I think is basic politeness.

You've assumed here that I gave them gifts and now expect something in return. I never gave them gifts. I've never been in a position to send that many presents.
Of course, other PPs have written that I should be sending gift cards and not texting and that the way to a relationship is via presents.
Can't win, I guess.

I'll just continue to be there for if and when they want to reach out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think she is rude. It isn’t about you.

Have you thought about forming more friendships or fostering kids in your own life so you aren’t so invested in your brothers’ children’s lives? I think in general what you are doing is ok. It’s just the hurt you feel and that you are over analyzing the behaviors of college age kids that make me think you are too invested.

I have relationships with other kids, ie ones I volunteer with, friends' kids, younger cousins. They all tend to respond to a quick "happy birthday" text, even with an emoji.