Nieces and nephews

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look , real relationships require both parties to want to establish and continue that relationship. You can’t force or be upset when someone doesn’t want to do this with you. A call, FaceTime, text or social media message isn’t like tag now you’re obligated to engage back and now we have a close relationship. This is too one sided.

If you don’t share a common passion or career, don’t live nearby , or aren’t aligned for both parties to want to be close then the most you would have would be a superficial relationship based on infrequent hallmark messages and well wishes. Some people like this but others find it really pointless.

It sounds like the OP does not have a close relationship with the young adult nieces and nephews. They aren’t rude for not wanting this or pretending.

Young adults are building their independence and busy. If OP is lonely, she should seek out the older and elderly relatives who probably are lonely too.

Acknowledging a gift or birthday message isn’t “pretending to have a relationship”. It’s having the most basic manners. I haven’t seen my aunt in decades, but I’m certainly not going to leave her on read if she sends me an email wishing me a happy new year or something.

I know that a lot of younger people think that any communication with people who aren’t close friends is phony. I’ve seen many online debates where older folk think it’s rude that their younger coworkers will not acknowledge a “good morning” when they pass each other in the hallway, and the younger ones say that it’s inauthentic to speak to someone who isn’t a friend. I’ve even heard some say that it’s “abusive” to expect them to wish their colleagues a nice day.

Look, I’m not American, I’m not into big white smiles and fake positivity. But I am into manners. It would be very rude of me to ignore a happy new year message from my aunt, and takes less than thirty seconds to respond. It is rude to stand there blinking dumbly at someone who gives you a gift or even just smiles and says hello.

I’m glad that we’ve moved away from forcing kids to hug relatives they don’t want to hug. I believe in authentic relationships and quality over quantity. I will never think it’s acceptable to flat out ignore best wishes or invitations or gifts from people who have never harmed you.

[Anonymous]

I have kids this age and they are actually pretty close to several of their aunts/uncles, but they rarely communicate with them through text and they never talk to them on the phone. My kids hate talking on the phone and I think that is typical of this generation. When we are together in person, though, they are happy to talk with them especially if it's over dinner or a card game, rather than just sitting around in the living room. I would say keep trying through texts, but if you have a chance to visit in person it might be better. Offer to take them out to dinner at a place they choose - kids this age are always broke. I wouldn't take their lack of communication as a sign of their interest in a relationship. As someone else said, kids this age are self-absorbed. In other words, it's not you, it's them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look , real relationships require both parties to want to establish and continue that relationship. You can’t force or be upset when someone doesn’t want to do this with you. A call, FaceTime, text or social media message isn’t like tag now you’re obligated to engage back and now we have a close relationship. This is too one sided.

If you don’t share a common passion or career, don’t live nearby , or aren’t aligned for both parties to want to be close then the most you would have would be a superficial relationship based on infrequent hallmark messages and well wishes. Some people like this but others find it really pointless.

It sounds like the OP does not have a close relationship with the young adult nieces and nephews. They aren’t rude for not wanting this or pretending.

Young adults are building their independence and busy. If OP is lonely, she should seek out the older and elderly relatives who probably are lonely too.

Acknowledging a gift or birthday message isn’t “pretending to have a relationship”. It’s having the most basic manners. I haven’t seen my aunt in decades, but I’m certainly not going to leave her on read if she sends me an email wishing me a happy new year or something.

I know that a lot of younger people think that any communication with people who aren’t close friends is phony. I’ve seen many online debates where older folk think it’s rude that their younger coworkers will not acknowledge a “good morning” when they pass each other in the hallway, and the younger ones say that it’s inauthentic to speak to someone who isn’t a friend. I’ve even heard some say that it’s “abusive” to expect them to wish their colleagues a nice day.

Look, I’m not American, I’m not into big white smiles and fake positivity. But I am into manners. It would be very rude of me to ignore a happy new year message from my aunt, and takes less than thirty seconds to respond. It is rude to stand there blinking dumbly at someone who gives you a gift or even just smiles and says hello.

I’m glad that we’ve moved away from forcing kids to hug relatives they don’t want to hug. I believe in authentic relationships and quality over quantity. I will never think it’s acceptable to flat out ignore best wishes or invitations or gifts from people who have never harmed you.

The OP didn’t send a gift. She FaceTimed the kid, he spoke to her but didn’t go not a longer conversation. She sent the other kid a WhatsApp message without even knowing if the kid still used you. She also said that the kids have been doing the thumbs up or lol when she sends her memes. OP is upset is that they aren’t engaging more and not accepting that her other texts and memes are either a . fine but won’t spur more outreach from them or b annoying .

Let them be.

[Anonymous]

I don't check WhatsApp, try regular texting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't check WhatsApp, try regular texting.

OP here, my brother and family use WhatsApp. That's the only reason I downloaded it.

[Anonymous]

My niece and nephews are annoyingly attached to me because I am always present in their lives. They’re a bit needy. My 20 year old son in college is an enigma— literally the most gracious and welcoming nephew and cousin. It’s wild. Not only does he thank all for gifts or congrats or merry holidays, he texts all of them for birthdays and holidays or just what’s up. Recently, he’s been checking in with two aunts who both lost husbands (his uncles, my BILs). I do the same and have instilled it in him. I sometimes dread it while he finds it meaningful. He’s pretty extroverted. Even his great aunt who is 94! She calls him, and he calls her back almost immediately if time permits. This is not the norm, OP! Mine is a freak of nature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think gifts go a long way. Money and tangible gifts are appreciated and are a way of showing love. Kids, teens, and young adults respond to very enthusiastically to gifts. I would send them a monetary gift or a gift card and they a note saying I was thinking of them and please reach out and say hello. I would also include in the gift a note that says I love you and I think about you, etc. But.... that's just me

OP here, I decided early on not to give gifts because my SIL believed that every child should receive a gift for each one's birthday, and I knew I'd never have the budget for 24 birthday gifts each year, not to mention Hanukkah gifts and so on.

[Anonymous]

Her lack of communication is the communication. She is telling you that she is uninterested in talking with you or having a relationship with you.

I would stop, personally. I’m close to some of my relatives & not close to others. I think it is unrealistic as they become adults that you will have the same exact relationship or contact with all 24 nieces and nephews.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Her lack of communication is the communication. She is telling you that she is uninterested in talking with you or having a relationship with you.

I would stop, personally. I’m close to some of my relatives & not close to others. I think it is unrealistic as they become adults that you will have the same exact relationship or contact with all 24 nieces and nephews.

My brother and SIL get upset if I don't reach out on their birthdays and on holidays.
I missed one nephew's birthday once and got an earful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Her lack of communication is the communication. She is telling you that she is uninterested in talking with you or having a relationship with you.

I would stop, personally. I’m close to some of my relatives & not close to others. I think it is unrealistic as they become adults that you will have the same exact relationship or contact with all 24 nieces and nephews.

My brother and SIL get upset if I don't reach out on their birthdays and on holidays.
I missed one nephew's birthday once and got an earful.

Then your issue is with your brother. Leave the kids alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Her lack of communication is the communication. She is telling you that she is uninterested in talking with you or having a relationship with you.

I would stop, personally. I’m close to some of my relatives & not close to others. I think it is unrealistic as they become adults that you will have the same exact relationship or contact with all 24 nieces and nephews.

My brother and SIL get upset if I don't reach out on their birthdays and on holidays.
I missed one nephew's birthday once and got an earful.

How long ago was that? Because if they are 18-22, I can’t imagine brother and SIL have any idea what you are doing or not - do these kids still live at home & the parents check their messages every night?

I would still stop, with niece who doesn’t respond. These nieces & nephews are adults. Niece has chosen no relationship & you are respecting that. You can explain that if anyone has a question. Relationships between adults are not an obligation, both parties get to choose to participate or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Her lack of communication is the communication. She is telling you that she is uninterested in talking with you or having a relationship with you.

I would stop, personally. I’m close to some of my relatives & not close to others. I think it is unrealistic as they become adults that you will have the same exact relationship or contact with all 24 nieces and nephews.

My brother and SIL get upset if I don't reach out on their birthdays and on holidays.
I missed one nephew's birthday once and got an earful.

How long ago was that? Because if they are 18-22, I can’t imagine brother and SIL have any idea what you are doing or not - do these kids still live at home & the parents check their messages every night?

I would still stop, with niece who doesn’t respond. These nieces & nephews are adults. Niece has chosen no relationship & you are respecting that. You can explain that if anyone has a question. Relationships between adults are not an obligation, both parties get to choose to participate or not.

Three of the kids live at home. I don't think anyone checks their phones, but for example my parents texted me the day before the twins' birthday to remind me to call them (they know it's not necessary as I'm pretty organized about all of this stuff) and my brother texted me the day after to ask if I'd spoken to them. It's an expectation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't have kids. My brother has four. We don't live in the same city but I visited often when his kids were young. I was crazy about them, as any aunt is! In their teenaged years, they were busier and I didn't visit as often, but they each got a phone at around age 14 and I'd keep in touch that way, not too often but to send birthday wishes or memes on occasion. They're pretty typical teens, often just responding to texts with nothing but "ya", which I found amusing. I remember being a teenager and I never wanted to be the weird aunt or bother them with annoying questions. But obviously I love them and want them to know I love them and think of them.
Now they're in the 18-22 range. They're still pretty uninterested in having anything to do with me, but one of them does not even acknowledge me. The other three are polite, if not warm or forthcoming. I'll get a heart reaction or an lol, which is fine.
Last week was the twins' birthday. One twin picked up when I video called and said he was hanging with his friends. I said "Ok, have a great time! I'll let you get back to your buddies, but just wanted to wish you a happy birthday!" The call lasted about thirty seconds. The other twin didn't pick up when I called, so I sent a text saying that I was calling to wish her a happy birthday. It's on WhatsApp and appears unread. That's what happens to all of my texts to her. Generally it means that she saw that I texted but didn't click on it. She never will.

It hurts my feelings but, again, I remember being a teenager and I'm trying not to take it personally. But I do think it's pretty rude.

The kids have other aunts and uncles and I don't think any of them reach out to the kids at all, but I'm the only one without my own family.

The whole thing just makes me feel kind of...I don't know. Well, it kind of feels like shit. Any snub feels like shit. I can't say anything to my brother. There's nothing I can do. I'll keep reaching out on birthdays and things because I'm the adult. And I hope that when she's older we'll have a closer relationship.

I guess my question here is: Am I wrong to feel kind of hurt by this? Am I right to think she's being rude?
I know it's not my place to say or do anything about this but keep on as I have. I guess I want to know if my feelings are valid.

I’m not saying any of this as an excuse, only to perhaps provide an alternate view / shed some different light on what might be going on here. I do agree college kids are often selfish, busy, self-involved, immature, living moment to moment…etc. But I also recognized a little of college-aged myself in what you described - and I wonder if some serious unrecognized anxiety resulting in dread and then spiraling or similar could be at play. It wasn’t to this extent and I don’t know that I’m even remembering a specific situation with a single relative…but it feels like a familiar pattern. I was probably in denial about how mentally unwell I was at that point, because on the surface I was having a great fun college experience.

But the pattern is this: hear from a relative, don’t respond immediately either because I logistically couldn’t or because it - inexplicably (for real, this has nothing to do with YOU as an individual) - felt too overwhelming mentally. Promise myself I’d respond soon. A couple days pass, where I’m both constantly feeling the weight of this (admittedly very simple, I know!) task hanging over my head and also feeling worse and worse about how long I’d let it go. Eventually decide it’s just been too long and I’ve been too horribly rude that there’s just no way to salvage it; try to forget it and hope they did too; feel like a shi*tty person and beat myself up. Of course this is only compounded with multiple interactions, because it seems even harder to ‘come back from’ in a socially acceptable manner. Keep putting it off and off and spiral and repeat. How can you possibly pop back in and engage after a year of ignored reach outs and gifts?! It felt too insurmountable. I would find myself just wishing the person would forget about me, because I was such a disappointing and incapable human.

Of course I’ve since learned that there are better and more mature ways to handle these situations, even IF I’ve inadvertently taken too long to respond to someone and feel rude. I’m still working on it, but I’m not like I was in college anymore…I was still learning that the only way to break the anxiety/dread spiral is to actually face the ‘hard’ thing and get it over with, because really it’s just something you’ve built up in your mind. It could be that your niece is just a jerk, but I wonder if she’s not an exhausted depressed introverted person trying hard to cope but not fully compensating. I really don’t think it’s personal towards you, fwiw. Although I do understand why it upsets you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Her lack of communication is the communication. She is telling you that she is uninterested in talking with you or having a relationship with you.

I would stop, personally. I’m close to some of my relatives & not close to others. I think it is unrealistic as they become adults that you will have the same exact relationship or contact with all 24 nieces and nephews.

My brother and SIL get upset if I don't reach out on their birthdays and on holidays.
I missed one nephew's birthday once and got an earful.

How long ago was that? Because if they are 18-22, I can’t imagine brother and SIL have any idea what you are doing or not - do these kids still live at home & the parents check their messages every night?

I would still stop, with niece who doesn’t respond. These nieces & nephews are adults. Niece has chosen no relationship & you are respecting that. You can explain that if anyone has a question. Relationships between adults are not an obligation, both parties get to choose to participate or not.

Three of the kids live at home. I don't think anyone checks their phones, but for example my parents texted me the day before the twins' birthday to remind me to call them (they know it's not necessary as I'm pretty organized about all of this stuff) and my brother texted me the day after to ask if I'd spoken to them. It's an expectation.

Ah, ok - so this info changes things. It sheds more light on all of the relationships, & the point of these texts.

It seems that you are doing this for your relationship with your parents & brother, not for your relationship with your niece. It made your parents & brother happy that you sent that text. Don’t even worry about if or how she responds - don’t feel like crap because she doesn’t respond - feel good that you are making your parents & brother happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: If you really want to keep a connection, send gift cards, not memes AND don't try to FaceTime. If kids don't have any feelings for you. You can't force it. They didn't grow up bonding with you.

thanks for quoting the original post you dumbfuk - we might have forgotten what it said. 🤡