Nieces and nephews

[Anonymous]

Just wanted to let you know that I relate, OP. I have two teenaged nieces (13 and 17-they're my sister's girls). My DH and I don't have kids and we spent a decent amount of time babysitting them when they we little (weekends a few times per year). I really enjoyed it and the girls seemed to, too. We would do all sorts of fun kid oriented activities and I would "spoil" them (treats, shopping, etc)-they always seemed happy to visit. Additionally we'd see them on holidays at family gatherings.

Now that they are older they aren't interested in visiting us which I completely understand. I feel sad about it but that's life. At this point I visit them-I periodically go to their sporting events or plays and/or take them out for lunch or dinner or to a movie/show (or whatever else they are interested in doing). I do it because I want to maintain a relationship with them but honestly they don't seem very interested (they are on their phones a lot of the time, they don't respond to my occasional texts, I rarely get a thank you for gifts, etc). It hurts. Some of my hurt admittedly comes from having a shitty childhood where I didn't get enough attention and would have LOVED to have an invested aunt. But that's my deal and not about them. They are privileged girls-both monetarily and in terms of love (good parents, a number of invested relatives and family friends). They don't need me the way I needed an invested adult when I was a kid.

I try not to take it personally and intellectually I know that they are teenagers and this is part of their development. But there's a part of me that worries that I somehow did something to offend them (I talked about it once with my sister and she got annoyed with me and told me I was being ridiculous). And there's a part of me that feels hurt and irritated. Is it too much to ask for a text saying thank you for a gift? I can't bring that up with my sister-she's very defensive of them and it would start WW III.

Anyway, just commiserating OP! I hope that as they get older it gets better. But honestly I don't really enjoy spending time with them right now.

[Anonymous]

All you aunts need a dog.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All you aunts need a dog.

What is this supposed to mean?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All you aunts need a dog.

Absolutely agree. Much better than being around your bratty spawn.

[Anonymous]

Also childfree aunts and uncles of family that don’t value a relationship need to find a place to leave their money. A worthy charity, etc. Many childfree people have quite a lot of money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also childfree aunts and uncles of family that don’t value a relationship need to find a place to leave their money. A worthy charity, etc. Many childfree people have quite a lot of money.

lol I'm not going to have any money to leave anyone.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry OP. We can't force anyone to care about more than they do and that's not just nieces and nephews-it also goes for parents and their own children. I would focus on staying busy with things you love so you don't dwell. You could mentor kids, or voluteer with rescue animals or anything that will give you that warm fuzzy feeling. Do more activities with peers. Then you won't focus as much and when they do reach out or say thank you it will be a welcome surprise not a "Well it's about time!"

The absolute same goes for parents once the kids are out of the house. We could try guilt or shame, but that rarely works long term. We keep keep the lines of communication. We enjoy the time we have when they visit and we make our lives full enough that when they get too busy it doesn't sting.

It is what it is and you have to just accept it wasn't what you wanted. It may change at some point. Keep the door open. Always be kind, but maybe stop trying to Facetime and at least go to text.

[Anonymous]

One more thing, if they never thank you for gifts, stop sending them. Only send gifts if you expect, nothing in return, not even a thank you. And yes, it is totally reasonable to expect a thank you, but there is a chance they don't even want more stuff and just don't want to reinforce in any way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One more thing, if they never thank you for gifts, stop sending them. Only send gifts if you expect, nothing in return, not even a thank you. And yes, it is totally reasonable to expect a thank you, but there is a chance they don't even want more stuff and just don't want to reinforce in any way.

Sorry I see it was not OP who posted about the gifts. Anyway to that person, you can't complain to their parents about this all. You don't want parents to force a relationship and if you complain about them it will just make them distance more.

[Anonymous]

OP - How is your relationship with your brother? With his wife? I'm probably totally off here, but could there be any tension between you and the kids' parents? Are you friendly with the parents and see them/call them often? Or are things more strained with them and you are trying to build a relationship with the kids that is independent and separate from them? If they do not feel you value their parents' relationship, this could be a reason whey they may not see you as someone with whom to be close to. Kids often see things generationally, and you are an extension of their parents. In their eyes, it might be weird to have a closer relationship with you themselves versus what you have with their parents.

This is probably not your situation at all, however... when my kids were younger, they used to adore my mother because she used to buy them gifts and take them to the movies, out for ice cream, etc... even when I would say no. It was source of contention. Now, they're more like your nieces and nephews... I'd say the are more or less polite, but not overly interested. However from my perspective... from the day they were born, my mother's relationship with my children was all about her. When they were babies she'd come and wake them up from a nap so she could spend time with them when she wanted, despite me asking her not to. She constantly criticized my parenting skills, including around my children... actually yelling/screaming at me that I was doing the wrong thing in front of them. My kids would ask why grandma always yelled at me. But she would take them to get ice cream, and so they liked her. She'd buy them presents that they wanted with the goal of them thinking she was so great for having her be the one to buy them what they wanted instead of me. From my perspective, every visit was around her schedule and what she wanted to do, with a red carpet rolled out for her. I encouraged and built the relationship between her and my kids when they were young, despite the way she treated me, sort of out of a sense of obligation. Her behavior got worse over the years.

Now, she complains to me that my kids don't have the relationship with her that she wants, but at this point I'm just done. I'm in contact with her, but more or less at arm's length. My kids are not all that interested in her, but I feel that if they witnessed me having a good relationship with her, and had seen her being, well... more motherly and compassionate towards me, with would feel more compassion towards her.

I could see her writing a post like yours that she had done things like spent time with them and bought them gifts as young children, and now they don't give her a whole lot of attention or appreciation. That's not the whole story. Also, it is not your nieces and nephews job to be your substitute kids because you didn't have any or your own, nor should they feel any sense of obligation specifically because of this.