Reply to Did disagreement over elder care cause a permanent rift among your siblings?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I came to this forum to ask about this exact issue.  The upcoming holidays raise this issue for us.  I bore the brunt of caregiving despite siblings and spouses in the same town doing almost nothing to assist, even when clearly and repeatedly asked.  They've never said thank you.  They hold a party line amongst themselves that what we did to help the parents really wasn't that hard and their reasons for not helping absolve them.  It is so hurtful, deeply disappointing, and was also hurting to the parents who didn't see or speak with their children much in their last couple of years.  These siblings acknowledge their parents were wonderful.  This isn't the result of some pathos in the relationships over the years.  It is simply that elder care is painful, tedious and exhausting, and they did not want to do it.  It is so hard to attend family gatherings now and act like nothing happened.   Anyone else feel this way?  I'd love to hear how everyone handles it.  Good luck and hugs to us all over the upcoming holidays.  
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My parents were like your siblings. They were not that involved and completely downplayed what the active siblings did to make themselves feel better. I actually think the siblings should not have sucked it up. You have to accept someone's choice not to do much, but when they downplay it, I think it's fine to gently say something (though it is unlikely they will apologize or care, because then they might feel guilty) or distance yourself for a while. Both aunts who had the hardest jobs with the parents (being point person NOT moving them in) in my family ended up with cancer. So, they made the most sacrifices and within a few years of last parent dying the reward was cancer-both had terrible battles with it, one died. I think you need to do whatever helps you reward yourself and live life to the fullest. Don't expect them to ever appreciate your labor of love, but do focus on doing what will truly bring you joy during the holidays. You may need to modify your relationship level with them so you don't feel resentment and spend more time with people who fill your cup.[/quote]

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