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[quote=Anonymous]My husband has ASD/ADHD, and refuses to get treatment. He has control issues and refuses to let me handle certain things. I couldn't do it all anyway, but when he messes up, I wish I could have prevented it.

So I prioritize:

1. Kids' wellbeing. I see they're fed on time, decently clothed, get to school on time, get picked up on time, have doctors' appointments, vaccines, etc, pay for their activities and remember their recitals and other important dates. I was particularly vigilant for oldest's college admissions process and tuition payment, because my husband is a problematic money manager and money sometimes isn't available when we need it. I have been the primary parent forever, and as a result, my kids have a much better relationship with me than they have with their father.

2. I look after myself. I dress nicely, I try to look after my needs, see my friends outside of the house, and generally try to be happy with what I have.

Which means that everything else falls by the wayside. The house is always cluttered and messy, because he has hoarding tendencies and never tidies up after himself. He stuffs it so full, the things at the back are forgotten and rot. The yard is entirely given over to my husband's "gardening" initiatives, which means it's a mess. Sometimes a very flowery one, except he never puts away any tools or soil bags or plastic containers, so it's looks like a flowery dump. He insists the cars are his responsibility - which means they're never maintained as they should be, they're horribly dirty, one of them has ugly body damage, and we drove around for a while with a dangerously overheating engine for several months because he screamed and yelled he was going to fix it and didn't. He has interesting ideas on his own self-care, never goes to see any doctor, always uses the same 3 outfits until they fall off him. He controls finances, and always forgets to file taxes on time. His autistic-related anxiety and need for control make any discussion about problems in the house entirely impossible.

So there you go. I am very deliberate in what I will take on. If others are offended by the state of our yard or cars or whatever, that's just too bad for them.

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