Anecdotal or is the AP always less attractive than the spouse?

[Anonymous]

If a man is sick of his wife, he would probably describe any woman willing to sleep with him as gorgeous. Or at least more gorgeous than the wife he doesn't want to look at anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I literally found comedic relief once I found out who my DH had a ONS with during a midlife crisis. I mean, it didn't make it hurt any less and we had a crapton of work to do in both IC and MC, but I actually laughed out loud when I found out.

Wow! Because of the absurdity of someone being willing to sleep with him? Or how far down he had to stoop to find someone?

Just all of it. You know those scenes in movies where situation is so bad/scary/lifechanging/hurtful but also just so ridiculous that the characters cannot stop laughing? That was me. My brain just could not compute. It would almost make sense to me on some level if he cheated with someone younger, higher in their career, a better body, etc but I just could not (and still can't) understand. Through lots of therapy, it was that she came on to him like a drooling puppy dog with stars in her eyes while he was drunk and down (he was in her dive bar alone) and made him feel so desired and cool and special and whatever. He was in a full midlife crisis at the time with an enormously stressful period at work, we were in the throws of dual working parents of young children, and he took the bait as an escape.

She was 11 years older than me, 50+lbs bigger, had full on metal braces, was a waitress in a dive bar and cleaned houses on the side, and cried to him about not being able to pay her $900 rent for her studio.

DH and I are the same age, very established in our careers, advanced degrees, own multiple houses, regularly work out and our favorite things to do together are hike, kayak, cook new recipes, and go for runs.

I was basically just like holy crap buddy, if that's what you're into- I'm not it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just thinking of recent high profile affairs in the news - past and present - but Benjamin millipied, david Beckham, schwartzneggers housekeeper, Sergei brins wife….
All their aps were less attractive than their spouse. Is there a pattern? Is this always the way?

They marry for external beauty when young, then have an affair for skills when older.

Nah, just variety. Less attractive is available and easy pickings. As another pp mentioned, a woman thinking the guy is out of her league will blow so much smoke up his *ss and give the narcissist all of that validation his empty soul craves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some men cheat with fat women

They don't have to be seen with them in public---in fact--they do everything they can to not be seen with her. So--yeah, they don't have high standards for a side chick. Be discreet and available.

[Anonymous]

Some people already have enough trophies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men affair down. The "lesser" women throw themselves at him in a way that makes him feel validated, desired, powerful, etc. They are eager to please him whether that's doing anything in bed or letting him call the boundaries and run the show. Also, in general, people who get involved with a married person likely have some sort of issue whether that's mental health, self worth, insecure, anxious attachment, previous abuse.

Listen, I am sure this is true sometimes, but believing this is universally true is just a way for you to cope with uncomfortable truths.

I'm not sure why it would be an uncomfortable truth for me, nobody is cheating on me.

The reality is men just need someone to sooth their ego and constantly tell them they are amazing. That's the job of the AP. They don't have to be smart or all that good looking, nobody is taking OW out for all to see.

I'm sure there are some high valued men who can snag an OW who is better than their wife but it is an outlier.

I get it, your an OW and you think you are better than the wife and you need to feel that is true for own severely damaged self esteem, but it just isn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I literally found comedic relief once I found out who my DH had a ONS with during a midlife crisis. I mean, it didn't make it hurt any less and we had a crapton of work to do in both IC and MC, but I actually laughed out loud when I found out.

Wow! Because of the absurdity of someone being willing to sleep with him? Or how far down he had to stoop to find someone?

Just all of it. You know those scenes in movies where situation is so bad/scary/lifechanging/hurtful but also just so ridiculous that the characters cannot stop laughing? That was me. My brain just could not compute. It would almost make sense to me on some level if he cheated with someone younger, higher in their career, a better body, etc but I just could not (and still can't) understand. Through lots of therapy, it was that she came on to him like a drooling puppy dog with stars in her eyes while he was drunk and down (he was in her dive bar alone) and made him feel so desired and cool and special and whatever. He was in a full midlife crisis at the time with an enormously stressful period at work, we were in the throws of dual working parents of young children, and he took the bait as an escape.

She was 11 years older than me, 50+lbs bigger, had full on metal braces, was a waitress in a dive bar and cleaned houses on the side, and cried to him about not being able to pay her $900 rent for her studio.

DH and I are the same age, very established in our careers, advanced degrees, own multiple houses, regularly work out and our favorite things to do together are hike, kayak, cook new recipes, and go for runs.

I was basically just like holy crap buddy, if that's what you're into- I'm not it!

Kayaks don’t matter. Someone appreciating you does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But look at Brad Pitt…..

He left his wife, Jennifer Aniston for the younger, more beautiful Angelina Jolie.

Jenn was America’s Sweetheart 💘 in that cute, “Girl Next Door” sort of way but Angie was a sultry, sexy vixen-type of beauty.

Yuck, Angelina dated her own brother and drank blood if that is not dating someone down then I can't help you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Different rules apply in different situations.

ONS and no strings attached (people go down. But if they’re thinking of actually making her the next wife and potentially attaching strings or emotions (eg, Pitt) then they will affair evenly or up.

+1. I’m the OP of this thread: https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1162004.page - my uncles’ mistresses/second wives are all “upgrades” from their first wives in terms of beauty and youth (not sure about intelligence). The conference speaker’s suspected mistress who was the subject of my OP is more beautiful and accomplished than his wife as measured by educational and professional background (not sure about age).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men affair down. The "lesser" women throw themselves at him in a way that makes him feel validated, desired, powerful, etc. They are eager to please him whether that's doing anything in bed or letting him call the boundaries and run the show. Also, in general, people who get involved with a married person likely have some sort of issue whether that's mental health, self worth, insecure, anxious attachment, previous abuse.

Listen, I am sure this is true sometimes, but believing this is universally true is just a way for you to cope with uncomfortable truths.

I'm not sure why it would be an uncomfortable truth for me, nobody is cheating on me.

The reality is men just need someone to sooth their ego and constantly tell them they are amazing. That's the job of the AP. They don't have to be smart or all that good looking, nobody is taking OW out for all to see.

I'm sure there are some high valued men who can snag an OW who is better than their wife but it is an outlier.

I get it, your an OW and you think you are better than the wife and you need to feel that is true for own severely damaged self esteem, but it just isn't.

"You're."

But come on. Men aren't always cheating down. Many are doing quite well. And women will totally cheat down too. People will cheat with someone who is available to them and offers them what they think they're missing. Women need to stop telling themselves that they're not being picked because men would rather have someone who is less formidable. Men pick someone who is available and makes them feel good. Women do the same. That's it.

[Anonymous]

Women almost always affair up. Men affair down for convenience sex and they don’t leave their wives. Men affair up for a new partner and they ended up married to the AP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women almost always affair up. Men affair down for convenience sex and they don’t leave their wives. Men affair up for a new partner and they ended up married to the AP.

Only if ap doesn't get knocked up first

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Always? Like 100 percent?

I had the same question. What, lol.

Just keep in mind that the pool of women willing to sleep with married men is smaller than the general population. And maybe if you're above average in looks, you don't need to consider married men because you've got so many other options. But of course, there are always exceptions to the rules, especially a younger OW aiming to become Wife #2 (or 3 or 4 . . .).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men affair down. The "lesser" women throw themselves at him in a way that makes him feel validated, desired, powerful, etc. They are eager to please him whether that's doing anything in bed or letting him call the boundaries and run the show. Also, in general, people who get involved with a married person likely have some sort of issue whether that's mental health, self worth, insecure, anxious attachment, previous abuse.

Listen, I am sure this is true sometimes, but believing this is universally true is just a way for you to cope with uncomfortable truths.

I'm not sure why it would be an uncomfortable truth for me, nobody is cheating on me.

The reality is men just need someone to sooth their ego and constantly tell them they are amazing. That's the job of the AP. They don't have to be smart or all that good looking, nobody is taking OW out for all to see.

I'm sure there are some high valued men who can snag an OW who is better than their wife but it is an outlier.

I get it, your an OW and you think you are better than the wife and you need to feel that is true for own severely damaged self esteem, but it just isn't.

"You're."

But come on. Men aren't always cheating down. Many are doing quite well. And women will totally cheat down too. People will cheat with someone who is available to them and offers them what they think they're missing. Women need to stop telling themselves that they're not being picked because men would rather have someone who is less formidable. Men pick someone who is available and makes them feel good. Women do the same. That's it.

Sure not never, there are outliers.
Women will cheat down if they think it will help them exit.

Men are not looking for "something they are missing" come on man, how old are you.

But I get you need to feel like you are better than the wife, your damaged soul is seeking validation. I'm sorry for that, but the reality is, if you were all that great you would not be an AP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men affair down. The "lesser" women throw themselves at him in a way that makes him feel validated, desired, powerful, etc. They are eager to please him whether that's doing anything in bed or letting him call the boundaries and run the show. Also, in general, people who get involved with a married person likely have some sort of issue whether that's mental health, self worth, insecure, anxious attachment, previous abuse.

This was 100% true in my case.