Mistresses/“second wives”

[Anonymous]

I’m from a country where mistresses/“second wives” are common, at least among the wealthy, and even somewhat socially accepted. Recently I attended a domestic conference where one of the higher profile speakers brought a guest who appeared to be his mistress (she was certainly not his wife). They engendered quite a bit of gossip at the conference, whereas in my country of origin most people would just shrug. As the saying goes, “not my circus, not my monkeys,” but I thought it was interesting - and bold of the couple who are both American - to say the least, and was curious what DCUM (particularly those born and raised in the US) might make of this.

[Anonymous]

I've told this story before, but here goes: I have a distant relative who brought his mistress to a relative's wedding. Not his wife. Brou-ha-ha ensued, because if you have a mistress, etiquette dictates she does not have the same social status as a wife, especially not with family.

Entirely unrelated: some months later, the distant relative went on a cruise with his wife and two adult sons and was reported missing at sea.

Since there are mafia ties to this, it's all a tragic turn of events. Police closed the case.

[Anonymous]

^ this was in France.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've told this story before, but here goes: I have a distant relative who brought his mistress to a relative's wedding. Not his wife. Brou-ha-ha ensued, because if you have a mistress, etiquette dictates she does not have the same social status as a wife, especially not with family.

Entirely unrelated: some months later, the distant relative went on a cruise with his wife and two adult sons and was reported missing at sea.

Since there are mafia ties to this, it's all a tragic turn of events. Police closed the case.

There's the rules, and then there's The Rules.

[Anonymous]

I agree that it’s socially inappropriate but it’s also incredibly unprofessional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that it’s socially inappropriate but it’s also incredibly unprofessional.

This. And also just very very weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m from a country where mistresses/“second wives” are common, at least among the wealthy, and even somewhat socially accepted. Recently I attended a domestic conference where one of the higher profile speakers brought a guest who appeared to be his mistress (she was certainly not his wife). They engendered quite a bit of gossip at the conference, whereas in my country of origin most people would just shrug. As the saying goes, “not my circus, not my monkeys,” but I thought it was interesting - and bold of the couple who are both American - to say the least, and was curious what DCUM (particularly those born and raised in the US) might make of this.

b

I’m a white American, but I married into a culture like the one you describe and have entirely adopted that attitude. Some of my American friends are appalled (or pretend to be) but others have confessed they also don’t place a high priority on physical monogamy but keep quiet about it to avoid judgement. No one would ever do something outrageous like bring a girlfriend to a wedding though - part of the deal is that you don’t publicly embarrass the family in such ways.

[Anonymous]

If the wife doesn't care, why should I or anyone else?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m from a country where mistresses/“second wives” are common, at least among the wealthy, and even somewhat socially accepted. Recently I attended a domestic conference where one of the higher profile speakers brought a guest who appeared to be his mistress (she was certainly not his wife). They engendered quite a bit of gossip at the conference, whereas in my country of origin most people would just shrug. As the saying goes, “not my circus, not my monkeys,” but I thought it was interesting - and bold of the couple who are both American - to say the least, and was curious what DCUM (particularly those born and raised in the US) might make of this.

b

I’m a white American, but I married into a culture like the one you describe and have entirely adopted that attitude. Some of my American friends are appalled (or pretend to be) but others have confessed they also don’t place a high priority on physical monogamy but keep quiet about it to avoid judgement. No one would ever do something outrageous like bring a girlfriend to a wedding though - part of the deal is that you don’t publicly embarrass the family in such ways.

By entirely adopted, your spouse has second wife or mistress?

[Anonymous]

Why so hush hush about the country? It doesn’t sound like a very nice place to live if they’re parading around their adultery in public with no shame like that.

[Anonymous]

It's beyond weird. It's really, really unprofessional and inappropriate. I would think they're getting some kind of thrill out of it, and I would avoid them both.

In cultures where this is more tolerated, you still have to be discreet and respect that the actual wife gets the public role of "wife". To tour your mistress around a professional context would be considered tasteless and rude. It's not okay to stir the pot and be a drama llama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've told this story before, but here goes: I have a distant relative who brought his mistress to a relative's wedding. Not his wife. Brou-ha-ha ensued, because if you have a mistress, etiquette dictates she does not have the same social status as a wife, especially not with family.

Entirely unrelated: some months later, the distant relative went on a cruise with his wife and two adult sons and was reported missing at sea.

Since there are mafia ties to this, it's all a tragic turn of events. Police closed the case.

Is your money on the wife or the sons?

[Anonymous]

Sure in France and Italy it’s more common and more accepted but it is by no means just ‘fine’ with everyone - especially not if you are millennial or gen z. And when it does happen it’s typically only in very wealthy circles where a woman has traded a chill life for not caring that her dh is screwing around

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's beyond weird. It's really, really unprofessional and inappropriate. I would think they're getting some kind of thrill out of it, and I would avoid them both.

In cultures where this is more tolerated, you still have to be discreet and respect that the actual wife gets the public role of "wife". To tour your mistress around a professional context would be considered tasteless and rude. It's not okay to stir the pot and be a drama llama.

I am American but always got the impression mistresses might be in attendance at social gatherings or parties but not at professional or family events as this would look bad or disrespectful. Is this correct? I’m curious to know

[Anonymous]

Can you all say what countries and cultures? I’m not judging but it would be helpful in learning.