Anecdotal or is the AP always less attractive than the spouse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men affair down. The "lesser" women throw themselves at him in a way that makes him feel validated, desired, powerful, etc. They are eager to please him whether that's doing anything in bed or letting him call the boundaries and run the show. Also, in general, people who get involved with a married person likely have some sort of issue whether that's mental health, self worth, insecure, anxious attachment, previous abuse.

This is quite a cope. Men often cheat with married professional/status peers. Takes two to tango dear. It really comes down to opportunity and orbit.

And choices. No one has actually tripped and fell into…..,. well you get the idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Know the score. For a successful man…

Affair down if you just want nsa or a ons.

Affair up if you are seriously auditioning for a second wife.

Totally agree with this.

It’s what I‘ve seen. Standards are much lower when men who are just looking for sex with a person they don’t bring out in public. No plans to have an actual relationship or any future with.

Of course. The difference would be the guts that are looking for more than sex—which are very few that are married already.

[Anonymous]

^guys

[Anonymous]

No. This is just something the betrayed tell themselves.
You're waisting your time focusing on her looks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. This is just something the betrayed tell themselves.
You're waisting your time focusing on her looks.

Agree. Looks don't matter. Free sex is what they want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. This is just something the betrayed tell themselves.
You're waisting your time focusing on her looks.

Agree. Looks don't matter. Free sex is what they want.

They could be having ~free sex~ with their wives but they don't want to, lol. Must be sick of her old tired cat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If a man is sick of his wife, he would probably describe any woman willing to sleep with him as gorgeous. Or at least more gorgeous than the wife he doesn't want to look at anymore.

An uncomfortable truth. These betrayed wives out here thinking that they're some kind of catch, yet their own husbands are stepping out on them -- with just about anyone apparently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I literally found comedic relief once I found out who my DH had a ONS with during a midlife crisis. I mean, it didn't make it hurt any less and we had a crapton of work to do in both IC and MC, but I actually laughed out loud when I found out.

Wow! Because of the absurdity of someone being willing to sleep with him? Or how far down he had to stoop to find someone?

Just all of it. You know those scenes in movies where situation is so bad/scary/lifechanging/hurtful but also just so ridiculous that the characters cannot stop laughing? That was me. My brain just could not compute. It would almost make sense to me on some level if he cheated with someone younger, higher in their career, a better body, etc but I just could not (and still can't) understand. Through lots of therapy, it was that she came on to him like a drooling puppy dog with stars in her eyes while he was drunk and down (he was in her dive bar alone) and made him feel so desired and cool and special and whatever. He was in a full midlife crisis at the time with an enormously stressful period at work, we were in the throws of dual working parents of young children, and he took the bait as an escape.

She was 11 years older than me, 50+lbs bigger, had full on metal braces, was a waitress in a dive bar and cleaned houses on the side, and cried to him about not being able to pay her $900 rent for her studio.

DH and I are the same age, very established in our careers, advanced degrees, own multiple houses, regularly work out and our favorite things to do together are hike, kayak, cook new recipes, and go for runs.

I was basically just like holy crap buddy, if that's what you're into- I'm not it!

*throes

[Anonymous]

I do think you need to separate the partners in affairs, which get used to destroy the marriage (I agree there is some desire and maybe the conscious/unconscious intention of sabotaging the marriage), versus the later replacement spouses, who do tend to be younger and good looking.

[Anonymous]

Ap= dog by nature. Men cheat down,,, way down

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men affair down. The "lesser" women throw themselves at him in a way that makes him feel validated, desired, powerful, etc. They are eager to please him whether that's doing anything in bed or letting him call the boundaries and run the show. Also, in general, people who get involved with a married person likely have some sort of issue whether that's mental health, self worth, insecure, anxious attachment, previous abuse.

Listen, I am sure this is true sometimes, but believing this is universally true is just a way for you to cope with uncomfortable truths.

I'm not sure why it would be an uncomfortable truth for me, nobody is cheating on me.

The reality is men just need someone to sooth their ego and constantly tell them they are amazing. That's the job of the AP. They don't have to be smart or all that good looking, nobody is taking OW out for all to see.

I'm sure there are some high valued men who can snag an OW who is better than their wife but it is an outlier.

I get it, your an OW and you think you are better than the wife and you need to feel that is true for own severely damaged self esteem, but it just isn't.

"You're."

But come on. Men aren't always cheating down. Many are doing quite well. And women will totally cheat down too. People will cheat with someone who is available to them and offers them what they think they're missing. Women need to stop telling themselves that they're not being picked because men would rather have someone who is less formidable. Men pick someone who is available and makes them feel good. Women do the same. That's it.

Sure not never, there are outliers.
Women will cheat down if they think it will help them exit.

Men are not looking for "something they are missing" come on man, how old are you.

But I get you need to feel like you are better than the wife, your damaged soul is seeking validation. I'm sorry for that, but the reality is, if you were all that great you would not be an AP.

Ma'am, I've the second wife of a man whose first wife cheated down. Never been an AP. Never been cheated on as far as I know. And never needed to make up narratives about why I didn't get picked.

[Anonymous]

My AP would be considered by many to be less attractive than my ex but my AP had a brain, a sense of humor and a glow of kindness that emanated from her which made her 10,000 times more attractive than my ex.

[Anonymous]

I don't know watch the Beckham documentary. Those two were inseparable, hot and heavy literally he would fly or drive hours just to see her for 20 minutes when they were first together, first few years. Their love is palpable, even now.

Yet- he cheated when he was depressed, lonely and in another country...on Posh Spice who is and was the love of his life.

So--yeah, I think there are many different types of guys. He comes off as a very genuine family man who truly always loved his wife and family immensely. He showed genuine anguish and remorse. She doesn't hesitate to say how very, very hard that time was when the affair came out and how deeply, deeply hurt and how hard it was to recover from.

The assistant wasn't anyone he ever wanted but was available in a time when, HE, himself, was reeling from the whole world cup/country blaming him and alone and admittedly in a deep depression.

So there you go...some men really do love their wives and yet have had an affair.

[Anonymous]

APs are typically younger than spouses but less attractive than spouses were at that age.

25 y/o AP > 45 y/o DW
But

25 y/o AP < DW at 25

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know watch the Beckham documentary. Those two were inseparable, hot and heavy literally he would fly or drive hours just to see her for 20 minutes when they were first together, first few years. Their love is palpable, even now.

Yet- he cheated when he was depressed, lonely and in another country...on Posh Spice who is and was the love of his life.

So--yeah, I think there are many different types of guys. He comes off as a very genuine family man who truly always loved his wife and family immensely. He showed genuine anguish and remorse. She doesn't hesitate to say how very, very hard that time was when the affair came out and how deeply, deeply hurt and how hard it was to recover from.

The assistant wasn't anyone he ever wanted but was available in a time when, HE, himself, was reeling from the whole world cup/country blaming him and alone and admittedly in a deep depression.

So there you go...some men really do love their wives and yet have had an affair.

I just read an article in Vogue and one in Glamour on my newsfeed praising Victoria Beckham for giving a side to the betrayed wives that stayed. Certainly a very strong woman. They reiterated how the betrayed wives that stay are never heard from. It's all hush-hush buried so that when everyday women are facing this there are no models or movies or celebrities or anyone to look to to see it is normal and how they have zero to be ashamed about.