DH lost job again

[Anonymous]

If you don't have kids, please get out or don't have any. This is a GINORMOUS Red flag.

[Anonymous]

Op I’m so sorry. I have been you. I wish I could give you a hug. It’s so so so upsetting.

Last time this happened to my dh I gave him a timeline to find a new job (I gave him 4.5 mos) and I said if you have not found one by then we need to separate. Your dh has got to be able to work, unless you are happy for him to sah. Maybe a deadline will help him. Also tell us the root cause. Mine has adhd so deadlines help him

[Anonymous]

Can I suggest an alternative perspective? How is the way you feel any different from the pressure and responsibility male breadwinners in heterosexual marriages feel? Or single mothers where the children’s father does not pay child support?

When I was first married I out earned my husband significantly. I was making 80-85% of our income. I was also undergoing fertility treatments followed by pregnancy and nursing. For several years I felt like I was responsible for EVERYTHING - the roof over our heads, the food on the table, the life of our child. It was a lot. It was exacerbated by the fact that my MIL was “concerned” about how much I was working and how stressed I seemed. I was stressed. I had friends who stayed home and raised their babies and toddlers while their husband worked for money.

One day it dawned on me that instead of identifying with and being jealous of the women, I actually identified with the bread earner husband. Why did I feel so much stress and pressure when they seemed ok with it?

I think it comes down to expectations. As young women (born before 1990) we probably never imagined we would be a breadwinner. Once I reframed my situation as not unique and one that many men face, it didn’t bother me as much. My husband did eventually make more money, although it will always be less than me. He also picks up a lot of my slack for housework and kid stuff so I can work. In that way our marriage is not much different than most couples we know our age, just that the genders are reversed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op why does he keep losing jobs?

He had his first job for 20 years, but then nothing for 10 years. He doesn’t keep losing jobs, I wouldn’t say that. It’s just that it took him over 10 years to find this one and the position is cut due to funding issues.

Ten years to find a job?!?

Red flag. Man needs to step up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op why does he keep losing jobs?

He had his first job for 20 years, but then nothing for 10 years. He doesn’t keep losing jobs, I wouldn’t say that. It’s just that it took him over 10 years to find this one and the position is cut due to funding issues.

how long was he in the current job?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can I suggest an alternative perspective? How is the way you feel any different from the pressure and responsibility male breadwinners in heterosexual marriages feel? Or single mothers where the children’s father does not pay child support?

I don't think this is relevant to this discussion. If you are in a marriage where you are both expected to work and contribute equally, and someone loses a job for 10 years (??? how???), this is a different stress than the very real stress a single parent might feel, or even a primary-breadwinner-by-choice family.

[Anonymous]

I also think it is super weird when women don’t work who can - if money is needed. If it helps. I am an equal opportunity judge

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op why does he keep losing jobs?

He had his first job for 20 years, but then nothing for 10 years. He doesn’t keep losing jobs, I wouldn’t say that. It’s just that it took him over 10 years to find this one and the position is cut due to funding issues.

TEN YEARS? Wow. I thought it was bad when someone I know’s husband lost his job and didn’t get another one for 18 months because he refused to take anything that he didn’t seem absolutely perfect and they ended up on social media begging for expensive Christmas gifts for their kids via Amazon wish lists and “help with mortgage so we don’t lose our house.”

But 10 years? Why do you put up with this? I implore you to find some self-respect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:... and if gender roles are reversed, how is this any different? Plenty of males shoulder the burden of being the main/only breadwinner.

Plus, they then get criticized from all angles about not shouldering enough in other areas of family life.

BZZZT! Predictable tiresome whataboutism and attempt at deflection noted and denied.

[Anonymous]

He worked for 20. Jobless for 10. Is he 50+ years old now!? He is going to face age-ism. And if he is thinking he’ll just just take his good old time and another 10 years to ‘find’ the next job that means he is making you until he gets to social security age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:... and if gender roles are reversed, how is this any different? Plenty of males shoulder the burden of being the main/only breadwinner.

Plus, they then get criticized from all angles about not shouldering enough in other areas of family life.

Absolute plus one!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:... and if gender roles are reversed, how is this any different? Plenty of males shoulder the burden of being the main/only breadwinner.

Plus, they then get criticized from all angles about not shouldering enough in other areas of family life.

BZZZT! Predictable tiresome whataboutism and attempt at deflection noted and denied.

You think anyone cares what you think?

[Anonymous]

It's not like they made a decision that he wouldn't work or that he became disabled and couldn't work or that he died or they got divorced - all of which would turn the wife into the breadwinner. It's that he looked for a job for ten years and claims he couldn't get one. He's apparently capable since he had one before and after. So was it extreme pickiness or was he just lying about how hard he was looking? Was he depressed? He never considered retail or manual labor? I wish OP would add more details.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op why does he keep losing jobs?

He had his first job for 20 years, but then nothing for 10 years. He doesn’t keep losing jobs, I wouldn’t say that. It’s just that it took him over 10 years to find this one and the position is cut due to funding issues.

TEN YEARS? Wow. I thought it was bad when someone I know’s husband lost his job and didn’t get another one for 18 months because he refused to take anything that he didn’t seem absolutely perfect and they ended up on social media begging for expensive Christmas gifts for their kids via Amazon wish lists and “help with mortgage so we don’t lose our house.”

But 10 years? Why do you put up with this? I implore you to find some self-respect.

It’s easy for you to talk about self respect when you have no idea what the law would do to me. When the kids were younger, he probably would have gotten more time with them than me. I would have to pay him alimony and child support. I would have yo sell the house and give him half of the proceeds. I am not rich enough to rebuild my life with a drastically reduced income and having to support a second household.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op why does he keep losing jobs?

He had his first job for 20 years, but then nothing for 10 years. He doesn’t keep losing jobs, I wouldn’t say that. It’s just that it took him over 10 years to find this one and the position is cut due to funding issues.

Ten years to find a job?!?

Ohhhhhhh honey, get ye to the relationship forum. This isn't about jobs. The amount of resentment dripping from your posts is going to be hard to recover from (and I'm not judging one way or another - just that resentment is one of the biggest marriage killers).

Especially if the post about not liking him anymore is from OP. If you're looking for support from an anonymous message board to get a divorce and cut off the dead weight, then I wholeheartedly support you. Time to start living for yourself.