DH lost job again

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you had kids then I am sure he was helping out with the kids during those ten years and was a SAHD. Lots of SAHP have kids in school full time.

There are also still a fair number of SAHW - where the woman doesn't work but there are no childcare responsiblities. Less common but not rare to have an non working spouse or partner at home.

I think societally work is still seen as a necessity and requirement for men but an option for women. No one gets upset with unemployed women / wives / moms but it is still common to hear people upset about unemployed men / husbands / fathers - it is seen as shirking their manly duties to be the provider and it isn't manly to not work. Lots of traditional gender roles and gender expectations left over.

You’re conveniently ignoring the fact that I’m neither a SAHM nor a SAHW. This isn’t about what “some” men go through when their wives don’t work. This post is about my situation with this particular husband. It’s not a comment about society and how awful men who married SAHMs have it.

Are you the OP? Do you have kids? You are opining about how awful women have it who had SAHD / SAH husbands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you had kids then I am sure he was helping out with the kids during those ten years and was a SAHD. Lots of SAHP have kids in school full time.

There are also still a fair number of SAHW - where the woman doesn't work but there are no childcare responsiblities. Less common but not rare to have an non working spouse or partner at home.

I think societally work is still seen as a necessity and requirement for men but an option for women. No one gets upset with unemployed women / wives / moms but it is still common to hear people upset about unemployed men / husbands / fathers - it is seen as shirking their manly duties to be the provider and it isn't manly to not work. Lots of traditional gender roles and gender expectations left over.

It's not an option for most women. Most women are not SAHMs.

. It is an option. You rarely hear a woman who doesn’t work being called dead weight or a free loader or the other names directed at the man. So it is not seen as something to criticize. It is an option as many women work because they want to not because it is a societal expectation. Society is also fine with them not working.

You are giving your opinion, not the facts.

Here are the facts:

The labor force participation rate—the percent of the population working or looking for work—for all mothers with children under age 18 was 72.9 percent in 2022, up by 1.7 percentage points from the prior year and higher than the 2019 value of 72.3 percent.

https://www.bls.gov/news.release/pdf/famee.pdf

The D.C. area ranks high on a list of cities with the fewest stay-at-home parents, adding to the challenges local families face as many schools reopen virtually and parents must juggle work and child care.

Stay-at-home mothers and fathers account for less than 20% of parents in the U.S., according to the Pew Research Center.

https://wtop.com/education/2020/08/report-dc-area-is-home-to-more-working-parents-than-many-other-us-cities/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I am thinking about moving to a low COL area. I work remote so that shouldn’t be an issue. I am burnt out with this situation.

Would be a wise choice, OP. Any low COL where you might have family or social support?

That would be in Europe. So I am thinking either a smaller town with good public schools around Boston, or Europe. Not sure I can do my job from Europe. I might have to find a new one (which would be bad because I like my job).

Definitely not lower COL.

I'm very sorry, OP.

+2

OP. Definitely cheaper than where I live now. Not Brookline or the likes, more like 40-60 minutes out. As I said, I am fully remote, so wouldn’t have to commute into Boston.

You are going to have sticker shock.

Sounds like OP has already scoped out home prices in that area- have you? I think the "further out" options from Boston are a lot better than around here, especially if no one has to commute*. The towns are more established with more interesting housing stock than all the manufactured sprawl in this area.

*I'm guessing OP assumes that her DH will not get a another job

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the sole breadwinner for many years and after a short reprieve, I am back in this unfortunate position. I don’t even know what to think or do. It really put such a strain on me, financially, mentally etc. I just can’t go through it anymore.

OP, men face this every day of their lives for the entirety of their lives. What are you looking for? Sympathy? If so, you got it. But the circumstances you describe are no different than what most men experience every day.

Since most moms aren’t SAHMs, most men do not face this issue.

NP. Correct. In addition, when women are SAHMs often they are providing the child care necessary so that their partner can work. They also do most of the house and family care. When men are unemployed or underemployed, they typically do not shoulder this burden to the same degree.

[Anonymous]

Why is divorce not an option?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you had kids then I am sure he was helping out with the kids during those ten years and was a SAHD. Lots of SAHP have kids in school full time.

There are also still a fair number of SAHW - where the woman doesn't work but there are no childcare responsiblities. Less common but not rare to have an non working spouse or partner at home.

I think societally work is still seen as a necessity and requirement for men but an option for women. No one gets upset with unemployed women / wives / moms but it is still common to hear people upset about unemployed men / husbands / fathers - it is seen as shirking their manly duties to be the provider and it isn't manly to not work. Lots of traditional gender roles and gender expectations left over.

It's not an option for most women. Most women are not SAHMs.

. It is an option. You rarely hear a woman who doesn’t work being called dead weight or a free loader or the other names directed at the man. So it is not seen as something to criticize. It is an option as many women work because they want to not because it is a societal expectation. Society is also fine with them not working.

You are giving your opinion, not the facts.

Here are the facts:

The labor force participation rate—the percent of the population working or looking for work—for all mothers with children under age 18 was 72.9 percent in 2022, up by 1.7 percentage points from the prior year and higher than the 2019 value of 72.3 percent.

https://www.bls.gov/news.release/pdf/famee.pdf

The D.C. area ranks high on a list of cities with the fewest stay-at-home parents, adding to the challenges local families face as many schools reopen virtually and parents must juggle work and child care.

Stay-at-home mothers and fathers account for less than 20% of parents in the U.S., according to the Pew Research Center.

https://wtop.com/education/2020/08/report-dc-area-is-home-to-more-working-parents-than-many-other-us-cities/

The actual link says 52 percent of kids have one stay at home parent in DMV

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op why does he keep losing jobs?

He had his first job for 20 years, but then nothing for 10 years. He doesn’t keep losing jobs, I wouldn’t say that. It’s just that it took him over 10 years to find this one and the position is cut due to funding issues.

How long did he have the job he just lost?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the sole breadwinner for many years and after a short reprieve, I am back in this unfortunate position. I don’t even know what to think or do. It really put such a strain on me, financially, mentally etc. I just can’t go through it anymore.

OP, men face this every day of their lives for the entirety of their lives. What are you looking for? Sympathy? If so, you got it. But the circumstances you describe are no different than what most men experience every day.

What century are you living in???

[Anonymous]

Op, you offer us so little information, we can not give you the sympathy you desperately expect.

[Anonymous]

So many meanies here with no empathy OP.. I feel your pain. It sounds like a rough situation. Do you have kids? Are you planning to leave DH? In counseling? Do you have anyone who can help you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I am thinking about moving to a low COL area. I work remote so that shouldn’t be an issue. I am burnt out with this situation.

check with your company about where you plan to move for tax reasons. Many companies won't let people move to certain states for tax and payroll reasons, so def check before you move!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you had kids then I am sure he was helping out with the kids during those ten years and was a SAHD. Lots of SAHP have kids in school full time.

There are also still a fair number of SAHW - where the woman doesn't work but there are no childcare responsiblities. Less common but not rare to have an non working spouse or partner at home.

I think societally work is still seen as a necessity and requirement for men but an option for women. No one gets upset with unemployed women / wives / moms but it is still common to hear people upset about unemployed men / husbands / fathers - it is seen as shirking their manly duties to be the provider and it isn't manly to not work. Lots of traditional gender roles and gender expectations left over.

It's not an option for most women. Most women are not SAHMs.

. It is an option. You rarely hear a woman who doesn’t work being called dead weight or a free loader or the other names directed at the man. So it is not seen as something to criticize. It is an option as many women work because they want to not because it is a societal expectation. Society is also fine with them not working.

You are giving your opinion, not the facts.

Here are the facts:

The labor force participation rate—the percent of the population working or looking for work—for all mothers with children under age 18 was 72.9 percent in 2022, up by 1.7 percentage points from the prior year and higher than the 2019 value of 72.3 percent.

https://www.bls.gov/news.release/pdf/famee.pdf

The D.C. area ranks high on a list of cities with the fewest stay-at-home parents, adding to the challenges local families face as many schools reopen virtually and parents must juggle work and child care.

Stay-at-home mothers and fathers account for less than 20% of parents in the U.S., according to the Pew Research Center.

https://wtop.com/education/2020/08/report-dc-area-is-home-to-more-working-parents-than-many-other-us-cities/

The actual link says 52 percent of kids have one stay at home parent in DMV

No, it doesn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op I’m so sorry. I have been you. I wish I could give you a hug. It’s so so so upsetting.

Last time this happened to my dh I gave him a timeline to find a new job (I gave him 4.5 mos) and I said if you have not found one by then we need to separate. Your dh has got to be able to work, unless you are happy for him to sah. Maybe a deadline will help him. Also tell us the root cause. Mine has adhd so deadlines help him

if my spouse said “do as I say, OR ELSE!” then I’d say, go for it, don’t want you anyways.

🍻 to mom jeans and keds 🥂

You're not making any sense, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the sole breadwinner for many years and after a short reprieve, I am back in this unfortunate position. I don’t even know what to think or do. It really put such a strain on me, financially, mentally etc. I just can’t go through it anymore.

OP, men face this every day of their lives for the entirety of their lives. What are you looking for? Sympathy? If so, you got it. But the circumstances you describe are no different than what most men experience every day.

Since most moms aren’t SAHMs, most men do not face this issue.

NP. Correct. In addition, when women are SAHMs often they are providing the child care necessary so that their partner can work. They also do most of the house and family care. When men are unemployed or underemployed, they typically do not shoulder this burden to the same degree.

Also, typically the couple has agreed the parent will SAH and they build their lifestyle and budget around it. That’s not the case with OP, their lifestyle in the DMV is not affordable in one income (ours wouldnt be either, we could weather a 1-2 year layoff but after that we’d need to make significant changes).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I am thinking about moving to a low COL area. I work remote so that shouldn’t be an issue. I am burnt out with this situation.

Would be a wise choice, OP. Any low COL where you might have family or social support?

That would be in Europe. So I am thinking either a smaller town with good public schools around Boston, or Europe. Not sure I can do my job from Europe. I might have to find a new one (which would be bad because I like my job).

Definitely not lower COL.

I'm very sorry, OP.

+2

OP. Definitely cheaper than where I live now. Not Brookline or the likes, more like 40-60 minutes out. As I said, I am fully remote, so wouldn’t have to commute into Boston.

You are going to have sticker shock.

Sounds like OP has already scoped out home prices in that area- have you? I think the "further out" options from Boston are a lot better than around here, especially if no one has to commute*. The towns are more established with more interesting housing stock than all the manufactured sprawl in this area.

*I'm guessing OP assumes that her DH will not get a another job

Very familiar with those prices, and OP will have sticker shock.