Mother surprised DD with tickets to a concert she doesn’t want to go to

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:More deets needed.

Travel to NYC for the night, yes.

Fly to LA for the weekend no.

Miami and it looks like it will be a school night.

Yea at this point daughter is out of the discussion.

You say no you’re not letting her go. The gift was inappropriate and you suggest X which is something your daughter would like to do and gives grandma time with granddaughter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's rude to give a gift that imposes obligations on the recipient (travel, pet, gym membership) without confirming the gift is welcome. So no. I wouldn't make her go.

I’m OP.

When I turned 12 I wanted a very specific board game that probably cost $18. Instead she got me a horse and riding lessons despite my never showing an interest and it ended up being something I was suppose to devote my time and energy to. If I didn’t I was guilt tripped.

I told DD this story. I said I had to live with the consequences for 6 years. DD just has to devote a day and a half. I’m gonna stop pushing it for now but DD wants a “I don’t have to go, right?” From me now. I’d really rather her wait to see how she feels 13 months from now.

Your mother was wrong to make you feel badly for years because you didn't appreciate the horse. Please don't let her treat your DD in this same way.

[Anonymous]

At the very least, sympathize with your daughter that her grandma cares more about looking impressive than what she wants. I would not make her go, because I would not be feeding into your mothers narcissism.

However, I would suggest she think about it for awhile and whether she might appreciate something about the experience.

But perhaps it’s time for you to talk to your mom about getting big presents approved first. Then you could be the bad guy and turn down the big, have nothing to do with your daughters interests, gifts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your mom didn’t ask you about this first?

I feel like it is inappropriate to buy concert tickets for a child that isn’t yours and requires and overnight stay out of state. I get “grandma” but still…not the parent. That would be something that requires parental permission and to make sure it is something the child would actually want to do before getting and surprising

No, she didn’t. I’m not upset she didn’t ask really. I just wish my mom was more interested in gifts that cater to our kids interests rather giving the biggest, most extravagant, most expensive gifts.

I was going to say I get a vibe grandma was giving gifts based on who she wants DD to be instead of who she is but I don't know enough about your mom. Kind of like giving makeup, jewelry, and dresses for a tomboy or sports stuff to a bookworm.

DD is definitely not what my mother wants in a granddaughter and I wasn’t what she wanted in a daughter. But I love my mother regardless and she loves us.

Sorry to hear that. That's rough.

IMO you should break the cycle and decline the gift now. Why should DD have to ride the anxiety for a whole year? Grandma will be talking about this on Thanksgiving and Christmas and acting like she's doing something wonderful. It will only prolong the drama.

[Anonymous]

Turn it down based upon having to get out of school/miss multiple days.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like your mom wants to go to TS.

[Anonymous]

Tell your daughter to buck up and enjoy the concert. We make sacrifices and accommodations for family. Grandma isn’t perfect, but she won’t be around forever and let’s humor her and make some memories. If your daughter is truly distressed over this gift, then she is either too sensitive or too sheltered- either way going will be excellent for building resilience.

[Anonymous]

Complaining about gifts being too expensive is a whole mood. As someone who grew up LMC I just can’t imagine being this out of touch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Tell your daughter to buck up and enjoy the concert. We make sacrifices and accommodations for family. Grandma isn’t perfect, but she won’t be around forever and let’s humor her and make some memories. If your daughter is truly distressed over this gift, then she is either too sensitive or too sheltered- either way going will be excellent for building resilience.

She is autistic so things that are no big deal for most people tend to be a bit more challenging for her.

But I know she’s capable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your mom wants to go to TS.

My niece would love to go! I don’t know why she won’t take her. She’s a bit younger (12) but is a super fan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's rude to give a gift that imposes obligations on the recipient (travel, pet, gym membership) without confirming the gift is welcome. So no. I wouldn't make her go.

I’m OP.

When I turned 12 I wanted a very specific board game that probably cost $18. Instead she got me a horse and riding lessons despite my never showing an interest and it ended up being something I was suppose to devote my time and energy to. If I didn’t I was guilt tripped.

I told DD this story. I said I had to live with the consequences for 6 years. DD just has to devote a day and a half. I’m gonna stop pushing it for now but DD wants a “I don’t have to go, right?” From me now. I’d really rather her wait to see how she feels 13 months from now.

Why would you subject your child to the same toxic gift giving that you had to go through? Why wouldnt you try to protect her for this toxic grandma?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Tell your daughter to buck up and enjoy the concert. We make sacrifices and accommodations for family. Grandma isn’t perfect, but she won’t be around forever and let’s humor her and make some memories. If your daughter is truly distressed over this gift, then she is either too sensitive or too sheltered- either way going will be excellent for building resilience.

She is autistic so things that are no big deal for most people tend to be a bit more challenging for her.

But I know she’s capable.

Whoa! Talk about burying the lede!! Of course you should not make her go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Tell your daughter to buck up and enjoy the concert. We make sacrifices and accommodations for family. Grandma isn’t perfect, but she won’t be around forever and let’s humor her and make some memories. If your daughter is truly distressed over this gift, then she is either too sensitive or too sheltered- either way going will be excellent for building resilience.

She is autistic so things that are no big deal for most people tend to be a bit more challenging for her.

But I know she’s capable.

Whoa! Talk about burying the lede!! Of course you should not make her go.

The term is dated, I know but she’s very high functioning. I am also on the AS. It has a minimal affect on our life, but things can become overwhelming quicker than for most people.

[Anonymous]

The concert isn’t the point here… it’s the fact that it’s in Miami on a school night. That’s why she can’t go.

[Anonymous]

I would start by sharing honestly that you sometimes wonder if you’re not the daughter your mom wanted to have and ask without judgment if she’s disappointed in you. She may say of course not and mean it. She may say of course not and be lying through her teeth. She may be honest and share something about herself you didn’t know that helps you understand her.

Ultimately I do think this is what it’s all about, not concert tickets. If you can sort this out, it’ll be easy to explain why the concert tickets aren’t a good fit. Maybe you can even laugh about them