Coming to terms with the fact I may never get married

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, my situation is a little different because I was always on the fence about having kids.

But I am single and childless now at 46 and my only regret is all the stress I felt about trying to partner up in my twenties and thirties.

Yes, I would have preferred to be in a great marriage by now. But the truth is, many marriages aren’t that great. Some women get lucky but a lot wind up in unfair marriages where they not only work outside all the home but also manage most of the household tasks as well. Many of my married friends with kids seem exhausted and complainy and frustrated with their husbands.

You know who marriage tends to be good for? Men. Marriage is usually a very good deal for men these days. They get a wife who not only brings in income most of the time by also bears their children and does most of the work in raising them.

Yet society asks as if being a single and childless woman is tragic. It’s not. I think that narrative exists largely because some men want to stigmatize women who are single and childless because it makes other women feel like they need to buy into this system of marriage that is so good for men. And I think some married women like to put down single childless women in order to justify their often hellish and exhausting lives.

So basically I agree with the above poster that marriage is over rated.

+1000

My wife does not work and I do most of our household tasks.
And have a demanding job.
Maybe I'm an exception, but I'm not the only one either.
Marriage maybe great for her, but its overrated and a prison for me.
I am probably on the border of depression.

[Anonymous]

As somebody who married at 31 and divorced 10 years later, if I could have turned back the clock I might have preferred to be a single mother by choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I always enjoyed Laurie gotleib’s book “marry him.” Despite the polarizing title, the book is a pragmatic guide to dating and helps bring into focus what to compromise on in dating and what your dealbreakers are. I read it at 22 after making a slew of poor relationship choices, but it is geared towards women in their 30s.

Agreed this book is a really interesting perspective. And I think it's actually great for women in their 20s, since her whole thesis is that women SHOULD marry the guys they dump in their 20s, but it's good for someone in her mid-30s as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Marriage is not overrated. It is the single most important factor in developing wealth. My sister is 50 and single. Her life is full of struggles that I will never have. I don’t say that to be mean but it is the reality of her not having a dual income. There are plenty of marriages that suck but if you take the time to find someone you are compatible with, it can change your life. Unless you are extremely successful, raising a kid single will almost ensure financial struggles. Keep dating and make it a full time job. Consider men you might have said no to in the past but don’t ignore red flags (drinking, drugs, unemployed, etc.) for incompatibility.

That your sister is a loser doesn’t mean that marriage isn’t overrated.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like OP wants a kid. Not a husband. It’s not fair to marry a guy just for that.

[Anonymous]

Marriage is a mixed bag and might not be for you and I wouldn't feel bad about that.

But I will say that if you are going to go the single mom by choice route, you need to make sure you have a good support system in place. Are your parents willing to be very involved? Or do you make a really good salary and can afford to pay for a full time nanny and other help?

The ONE area where I really don't think marriage is overrated is that the world is not set up for single parents at all, and there is pretty much always an assumption that you have someone else helping you with kids. Even something small like having a spouse with a long commute can make things really hard because everyone assumes both parents are home by 6, so not having a spouse at all would be like that, but always. So make sure you have systems in place so you have some kind of back up and you aren't truly on your own. Parenting is a joy but it's also really hard.

[Anonymous]

I met my DH when I was 36 and within 6 years we are married with 2 kids. There are lots of challenges with fertility around 40, but we were very lucky. You may want to research freezing your eggs if your own biological children are that important to you.

That said, be cautious about lowering your standards. After hearing that advice from every corner I did what I thought was reevaluating and reprioritizing what I wanted. In retrospect, I ended up overlooking some red flags. Major regrets there. So sure, think about what you really want, but don’t let go of too much.

Talking to a therapist might help you work through some of this. One of my closest friends with a meh dating history learned a lot about herself in therapy and ended up marrying someone she probably wouldn’t have previously, but in a very good way. Like she was repeating unhealthy patterns and learned to recognize and avoid them. I kinda wish I’d taken that approach.

[Anonymous]

I think it is fine to decide you don't want to get married, but, it does sound like you really want a family. You are young and still in your prime to get a quality guy.

Others have given good advice. My advice is don't jump into single motherhood by choice. You have years of childbearing left and having a kid alone will definitely limit your options for dating and marriage. I wouldn't consider it until 42ish at the earliest.

[Anonymous]

Not sure I understand the advice to OP to lower her standards. From her description that things typically fizzle out at 6 months and she was indifferent to him anyway, it seems like the opposite - she should cut bait earlier on in the dating cycle if it's clear she is not that into him and/or he is not that into her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Marriage is overrated.

I’m married and it’s so fking hard. Honestly, you see the same person every day. They can be moody and controlling and you might not even know it until years later. You argue about stupid sht all the time. Then your sex life drops off and you are stuck with someone with a low libido. Just date someone nice for a while if you can find them. Everyone is obsessed with marriage. You know the divorce rate is like 56%?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriage is overrated.

So is single parenting by choice.

100%

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friend divorced at 37 and met a wonderful man at 38 and married at 39. It is not too late.

You may need to lower your standards.

and maybe you come across as a bit desperate? I think you usually find a great person when you are not desperately looking for one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friend divorced at 37 and met a wonderful man at 38 and married at 39. It is not too late.

You may need to lower your standards.

Please do not lower your standards, assuming they are realistic. Never a good idea to get married and to accept less than what feels good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend divorced at 37 and met a wonderful man at 38 and married at 39. It is not too late.

You may need to lower your standards.

Please do not lower your standards, assuming they are realistic. Never a good idea to get married and to accept less than what feels good.

dp.. "Lower standards" might mean different things to different people.

Do you really need for him to have a great body? A full head of hair? The right color eyes or hair? I know women who have these kinds of standards, and it's why they have such a tough time finding men to marry. Yes, you need to feel some kind of attraction to him, but if you need all these superficial things to want to have sex with him, then you are going to have a tough time finding that whole package: looks, finances, personality, and generally just got his sh1t together. There just aren't that many men out there that's "high value" like this.

DH has a good personality, got his sh1t together, is ok attractive. He has not a great body; never has, and he's not super manly. He may not be my fantasy man, but, he's been a good husband and father.

I dated guys who were better looking, better shape, better in bed.. but they would not have made me a good partner.

[Anonymous]

All you miserable married people are NOT helping! OP would like to get married, and hopefully she would pick a spouse she doesn't hate.

It's like, someone posts that they want to camp. I hate camping and it makes me miserable. But that doesn't mean other people will be miserable.

Plenty of people with happy marriages are too busy and happy to be posting on here. Selection bias.