Coming to terms with the fact I may never get married

[Anonymous]

I’ve been dating for several years and have had a number of great dates but it seems like for one reason or another the relationship fizzles out. I’ve dated a few guys seriously as well but they always have red flags (emotional issues, etc.).

I think it’s getting to the point where my family and friends are becoming sad for me. My parents had been hoping to plan a large wedding, and my friends keep asking me if I’ve found someone yet.

I’m slowly coming to terms with the fact that marriage may not happen for me. For those of you in these shoes, how did you ultimately come to terms with this? I’m a little sad about it, but want to change my perspective.

I’m 35, and am planning to go the route of single mom by choice. It feels a bit daunting to do everything on my own. Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

If you really want to get married you need to make dating your full time job starting now. Get on the apps, ask all friends/family/coworkers to set you up, essentially try to go on 4-5 dates a week with new people. You'll probably need to make compromises and date people you previously "screened out", but just meet as many people as you can with the hope that something will stick. At your age the goal should be marriage and you should be clear about that with perspectives as not to waste your time.

If the goal is motherhood that's a different path, but recognize that dating as a single parent is not easy and most likely won't happen during the first few years unless you have a lot of local family nearby to help out.

[Anonymous]

Marriage is overrated.

[Anonymous]

OP, can you elaborate on this?

"It seems like for one reason or another the relationship fizzles out. I’ve dated a few guys seriously as well but they always have red flags (emotional issues, etc.)"

why have things not worked out in the past? Are your standards too high? Are you finding flaws where there are none because of a fear of commitment?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you really want to get married you need to make dating your full time job starting now. Get on the apps, ask all friends/family/coworkers to set you up, essentially try to go on 4-5 dates a week with new people. You'll probably need to make compromises and date people you previously "screened out", but just meet as many people as you can with the hope that something will stick. At your age the goal should be marriage and you should be clear about that with perspectives as not to waste your time.

If the goal is motherhood that's a different path, but recognize that dating as a single parent is not easy and most likely won't happen during the first few years unless you have a lot of local family nearby to help out.

I agree with some of this—you do need to treat it as a full time job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Marriage is overrated.

So is single parenting by choice.

[Anonymous]

If you want to get married, you need to be going on dates nonstop. Talk to one guy a night or make a goal. Don't beat yourself up, it's hard to date in this modern world and we're a bit more disconnected than other generations (even though technologically we're more connected).

Also, I'm sure you know this, but make it a goal to be the best version of yourself that you can be.

Single mom by choice is a great option. It's not "easy" but really, one kid is not that hard. You either need a flexible job or family nearby. The joke is that one kid is like a pet. I'd say that in my new mom group, there were LOTS of 37 year olds. It seemed the most popular age. But even 50 or 100 years ago, women were still having babies in their late 30s, probably last babies instead of first babies, but it was common.

[Anonymous]

My friend divorced at 37 and met a wonderful man at 38 and married at 39. It is not too late.

You may need to lower your standards.

[Anonymous]

Well, my situation is a little different because I was always on the fence about having kids.

But I am single and childless now at 46 and my only regret is all the stress I felt about trying to partner up in my twenties and thirties.

Yes, I would have preferred to be in a great marriage by now. But the truth is, many marriages aren’t that great. Some women get lucky but a lot wind up in unfair marriages where they not only work outside all the home but also manage most of the household tasks as well. Many of my married friends with kids seem exhausted and complainy and frustrated with their husbands.

You know who marriage tends to be good for? Men. Marriage is usually a very good deal for men these days. They get a wife who not only brings in income most of the time by also bears their children and does most of the work in raising them.

Yet society asks as if being a single and childless woman is tragic. It’s not. I think that narrative exists largely because some men want to stigmatize women who are single and childless because it makes other women feel like they need to buy into this system of marriage that is so good for men. And I think some married women like to put down single childless women in order to justify their often hellish and exhausting lives.

So basically I agree with the above poster that marriage is over rated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friend divorced at 37 and met a wonderful man at 38 and married at 39. It is not too late.

You may need to lower your standards.

Yup. Shoot for someone that is at least 2-3 levels below you. If you are a 7 on the attractiveness scale, shoot for a 4 that fits the rest of your criteria.

[Anonymous]

No advice but commenting to tell you you're not alone and I'm going to come back and read this thread.

I feel incredibly worthless lately about it --like I'm a leftover that no one wanted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend divorced at 37 and met a wonderful man at 38 and married at 39. It is not too late.

You may need to lower your standards.

Yup. Shoot for someone that is at least 2-3 levels below you. If you are a 7 on the attractiveness scale, shoot for a 4 that fits the rest of your criteria.

Yes then after you get your kids you can complain about how much you hate sex with your husband and he's just so unnatractive, you wish he was taller or had blue eyes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, my situation is a little different because I was always on the fence about having kids.

But I am single and childless now at 46 and my only regret is all the stress I felt about trying to partner up in my twenties and thirties.

Yes, I would have preferred to be in a great marriage by now. But the truth is, many marriages aren’t that great. Some women get lucky but a lot wind up in unfair marriages where they not only work outside all the home but also manage most of the household tasks as well. Many of my married friends with kids seem exhausted and complainy and frustrated with their husbands.

You know who marriage tends to be good for? Men. Marriage is usually a very good deal for men these days. They get a wife who not only brings in income most of the time by also bears their children and does most of the work in raising them.

Yet society asks as if being a single and childless woman is tragic. It’s not. I think that narrative exists largely because some men want to stigmatize women who are single and childless because it makes other women feel like they need to buy into this system of marriage that is so good for men. And I think some married women like to put down single childless women in order to justify their often hellish and exhausting lives.

So basically I agree with the above poster that marriage is over rated.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Enjoy YOU! Enjoy your work. Volunteer in activities that you like. Go places you like. If in those places you find someone that you want to spend time with (or a lifetime), then great, but do not compare to others or think “if only I was married…”. If you do start to doubt yourself and are sure if only you were married all would be good, go on the forum pages where folks talk divorce and you may change your mind a bit. Also to persons that posted above and make dating a full time job if want to do that. If don’t want to date (Sex and the city Charlotte exhaustedly saying “I’ve been saying since I was 16 where is he already?!”), then don’t, but don’t then spend time wishing for something else. Lots of trips to take, places to go, things to do. Enjoy! Oh and you can be single mom by choice or divorce or b/c widow…. Do what you want and don’t look back.

[Anonymous]

Marriage is not overrated. It is the single most important factor in developing wealth. My sister is 50 and single. Her life is full of struggles that I will never have. I don’t say that to be mean but it is the reality of her not having a dual income. There are plenty of marriages that suck but if you take the time to find someone you are compatible with, it can change your life. Unless you are extremely successful, raising a kid single will almost ensure financial struggles. Keep dating and make it a full time job. Consider men you might have said no to in the past but don’t ignore red flags (drinking, drugs, unemployed, etc.) for incompatibility.