Coming to terms with the fact I may never get married

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, can you elaborate on this?

"It seems like for one reason or another the relationship fizzles out. I’ve dated a few guys seriously as well but they always have red flags (emotional issues, etc.)"

why have things not worked out in the past? Are your standards too high? Are you finding flaws where there are none because of a fear of commitment?

Or maybe she's picking the wrong ones. She may have to re-evaluate her criteria.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Marriage is overrated.

Damn right

[Anonymous]

OP, I think it’s good that you realized you want a kid more than you want a spouse. More people should come to that conclusion sooner.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friend divorced at 37 and met a wonderful man at 38 and married at 39. It is not too late.

You may need to lower your standards.

Do not lower your standards. That’s not fair to you nor your potential mate. They are standards for a reason. Insist on the best for yourself- no one else will.

[Anonymous]

Can you date ugly or fat but nice guys?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you really want to get married you need to make dating your full time job starting now. Get on the apps, ask all friends/family/coworkers to set you up, essentially try to go on 4-5 dates a week with new people. You'll probably need to make compromises and date people you previously "screened out", but just meet as many people as you can with the hope that something will stick. At your age the goal should be marriage and you should be clear about that with perspectives as not to waste your time.

If the goal is motherhood that's a different path, but recognize that dating as a single parent is not easy and most likely won't happen during the first few years unless you have a lot of local family nearby to help out.

I agree with some of this—you do need to treat it as a full time job.

+1000
Made dating a priority for about a year, removed non-deal breaker preferences (e.g, avoided dating divorced guys before) and was engaged to a great guy the next year (and got married).

But I also have friends who are single moms by choice. As long as you can handle it financially and have a good support network - they seem to be living their best lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend divorced at 37 and met a wonderful man at 38 and married at 39. It is not too late.

You may need to lower your standards.

Please do not lower your standards, assuming they are realistic. Never a good idea to get married and to accept less than what feels good.

dp.. "Lower standards" might mean different things to different people.

Do you really need for him to have a great body? A full head of hair? The right color eyes or hair? I know women who have these kinds of standards, and it's why they have such a tough time finding men to marry. Yes, you need to feel some kind of attraction to him, but if you need all these superficial things to want to have sex with him, then you are going to have a tough time finding that whole package: looks, finances, personality, and generally just got his sh1t together. There just aren't that many men out there that's "high value" like this.

DH has a good personality, got his sh1t together, is ok attractive. He has not a great body; never has, and he's not super manly. He may not be my fantasy man, but, he's been a good husband and father.

I dated guys who were better looking, better shape, better in bed.. but they would not have made me a good partner.

Just because you maintain your high standards and marry a man who meets them doesn't mean that you'll get to keep him. If he's handsome and prosperous, he'll have plenty of opportunities to move on. Unless he messes up and you find out about the affair before he files, he'll also be able to time when he moves on to protect his resources from you. It's on you to keep your body up, to please him and to look good. You need to make his personal life easy because his job is so prominent and so attractive to hot women checking off their requirements on the list.

Yes, of course he's not necessarily going to be in as good shape at 55 or 60 as he was at 35 or 40. But he'll be much wealthier, much more gentlemanly, and the kids will be much older and less demanding on a stepmother. Actually, at a certain point your kids will be old enough to understand why he traded up for a hotter, younger woman. They'll understand the concept of market value that a preschooler or third-grader or 8th-grade simply can't comprehend with their limited worldview. At a certain point he might even be able to hook up his kid with AP's friends or their sibling's friends .

So do your part. Think about whether you're up to the chase for someone high-quality. Because high-quality men have more opportunities to move on (I don't like the word "cheat" because they're not moving on from who they married). Do whatever you can to keep yourself at the level that caught your high-quality man, so that he doesn't move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All you miserable married people are NOT helping! OP would like to get married, and hopefully she would pick a spouse she doesn't hate.

It's like, someone posts that they want to camp. I hate camping and it makes me miserable. But that doesn't mean other people will be miserable.

Plenty of people with happy marriages are too busy and happy to be posting on here. Selection bias.

I'm mostly not miserable in my marriage. We've had our ups/downs, but mostly, I'm glad I'm married to my DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always enjoyed Laurie gotleib’s book “marry him.” Despite the polarizing title, the book is a pragmatic guide to dating and helps bring into focus what to compromise on in dating and what your dealbreakers are. I read it at 22 after making a slew of poor relationship choices, but it is geared towards women in their 30s.

Agreed this book is a really interesting perspective. And I think it's actually great for women in their 20s, since her whole thesis is that women SHOULD marry the guys they dump in their 20s, but it's good for someone in her mid-30s as well.

While this book makes a compelling argument against being a SMBC (which the author is), it also led me to settle HARD for a man who turned out to be abusive and to wind up a divorced single mom in midlife, much worse off than if I hadn’t married at that time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriage is not overrated. It is the single most important factor in developing wealth. My sister is 50 and single. Her life is full of struggles that I will never have. I don’t say that to be mean but it is the reality of her not having a dual income. There are plenty of marriages that suck but if you take the time to find someone you are compatible with, it can change your life. Unless you are extremely successful, raising a kid single will almost ensure financial struggles. Keep dating and make it a full time job. Consider men you might have said no to in the past but don’t ignore red flags (drinking, drugs, unemployed, etc.) for incompatibility.

That your sister is a loser doesn’t mean that marriage isn’t overrated.

She’s correct about marriage building wealth though. You’re probably too young to appreciate how wide the gaps are by 50.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like OP wants a kid. Not a husband. It’s not fair to marry a guy just for that.

Both women and men do all the time.

[Anonymous]

I’m happily married with 2 kids. We have been together for 25 years. It’s hard but it’s worth it. I would never want to be a single Mom. A good marriage with the right person is life changing for so many reasons. But there is no shame in getting out of a terrible marriage (even with kids). Too many people stay for too long when the marriage is bad.

Think long and hard before having kids as a single woman. Some people do it successfully but it is extraordinarily difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriage is not overrated. It is the single most important factor in developing wealth. My sister is 50 and single. Her life is full of struggles that I will never have. I don’t say that to be mean but it is the reality of her not having a dual income. There are plenty of marriages that suck but if you take the time to find someone you are compatible with, it can change your life. Unless you are extremely successful, raising a kid single will almost ensure financial struggles. Keep dating and make it a full time job. Consider men you might have said no to in the past but don’t ignore red flags (drinking, drugs, unemployed, etc.) for incompatibility.

That your sister is a loser doesn’t mean that marriage isn’t overrated.

She’s correct about marriage building wealth though. You’re probably too young to appreciate how wide the gaps are by 50.

Actually I’m older than 50.

Who cares about building wealth if you don’t have kids to leave it to? All you need is enough money to comfortably support yourself. You’re not taking it with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like OP wants a kid. Not a husband. It’s not fair to marry a guy just for that.

Both women and men do all the time.

So what. Doesn’t make it right.

[Anonymous]

I'm newly divorced at 41 and looking toward my future. I am glad I had kids and will never regret it. But so many divorced women I know are now rediscovering themselves. If you're 35 and single you have grown during that time being on your own and I am envious of that. Marriage is not the end-all-be-all, do not let anyone feel ashamed. Being lonely in a marriage is the loneliest kind.