Coming to terms with the fact I may never get married

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Enjoy YOU! Enjoy your work. Volunteer in activities that you like. Go places you like. If in those places you find someone that you want to spend time with (or a lifetime), then great, but do not compare to others or think “if only I was married…”. If you do start to doubt yourself and are sure if only you were married all would be good, go on the forum pages where folks talk divorce and you may change your mind a bit. Also to persons that posted above and make dating a full time job if want to do that. If don’t want to date (Sex and the city Charlotte exhaustedly saying “I’ve been saying since I was 16 where is he already?!”), then don’t, but don’t then spend time wishing for something else. Lots of trips to take, places to go, things to do. Enjoy! Oh and you can be single mom by choice or divorce or b/c widow…. Do what you want and don’t look back.

*Charlotte quote is “been dating” (not saying)- sorry auto corrected and I did not notice until after posted

[Anonymous]

I would never want to be pregnant or have a baby by myself. I would feel so exposed and vulnerable, not to mention exhausted beyond belief.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No advice but commenting to tell you you're not alone and I'm going to come back and read this thread.

I feel incredibly worthless lately about it --like I'm a leftover that no one wanted.

Please don’t feel like that! Our current society is skewed such that there are more marriageable women than men (see the lopsided college attendance rates as one example). The numbers are just stacked against many women especially finding an ideal match.

[Anonymous]

My friend got married for the first time at 50! It is not too late.

[Anonymous]

Unpopular opinion but this can be a good thing.

I took went through a period of accepting I might not get married.

This was good for me

I became less desperate and reevaluated things in my life.

Made some changes including therapy, better boundary with family members, career change. I met my husband at 39 exactly 6 months before my 40 th birthday. . He's actually 4 years younger and the kind of man I always wanted to marry.

We have two girls bio daughter and one adopted daughter 18 months apart .

I think I had an energy change when I accepted that marriage might not happen and it didn't mean the end of the world.
I hope this happens for you too

[Anonymous]

OP, do you think your choices in life are in line with what you really want? This includes your job, where you live, your friends, guys you date? If you are not living your life in alignment with who you really are and what makes YOU happy, you may be attracting people that you just aren't going to click with ever. Try making daily choices that are in line with things you enjoy - so if you don't like HH after work but would rather workout or take a class, do that. Put yourself in the environments that you naturally enjoy and two things will happen - 1. you will naturally be more relaxed in these environments and that is more attractive to others and 2. you will meet people that enjoy the same things you do and increase your chances of finding someone you click with to date.

[Anonymous]

My sister started dating her DH at 37 and now has 2 kids with him.

You never know.

[Anonymous]

I’m unmarried and have a kid. I’m pretty happy. I also have a lot of money so that’s probably part of it. But I dont think that’s all of it. Remember that comparison is the thief of joy and you just need to do what works for you.

[Anonymous]

I prefer “broadening your horizons” rather than “lowering your standards.” Unless your standards are superficial like height and income. You want to marry a gainfully employed adult, but he doesn’t have to make $200K. Teachers and firefighters can make terrific husbands. So can men under 5’10.

As for weight, be honest with yourself and your values. If you are overweight yourself or are just not that physical, come to terms with the fact that most Americans, including eligible men, are overweight. However, if you are an avid hiker and biker and outdoors person, an overweight couch potato won’t share your values and it’s OK to swipe left.

Don’t limit yourself to just your same race and background and education level. I don’t understand how, in 2023, there are people in metropolitan USA who believe that they should only marry within their own race.

Be open to people who at first seem like huge nerds about their own things. Let them show you their world. Get to know people and just be a good human

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, can you elaborate on this?

"It seems like for one reason or another the relationship fizzles out. I’ve dated a few guys seriously as well but they always have red flags (emotional issues, etc.)"

why have things not worked out in the past? Are your standards too high? Are you finding flaws where there are none because of a fear of commitment?

OP here. It’s happened a few times that the guy loses interest in me around the 6 month or year mark. And tbh I wasn’t really wild about him either. Kind of meh on both sides.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friend divorced at 37 and met a wonderful man at 38 and married at 39. It is not too late.

You may need to lower gyour standards.

This.
And if you aren’t sure this is a good idea, then at least examine statistics for outcomes for kids from a home where two parents are present VS one-parent home. It is not a gentle reality, but it is measurably a fact that kids are better off financially, academically, intellectually, socio-emotionally when they are raised in a home where two parents are present.


So if you need to think of it as raising your standards for what your future child needs to thrive, this may help you get motivated and comfortable with the idea that you need to first focus your energy on marriage (to a guy who wants children and is eager to start a family), and then stop ending relationships for dumb or superficial reasons (if that’s why they are ending).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriage is overrated.

So is single parenting by choice.

I don’t think this can be overrated because for most people it’s a last resort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, can you elaborate on this?

"It seems like for one reason or another the relationship fizzles out. I’ve dated a few guys seriously as well but they always have red flags (emotional issues, etc.)"

why have things not worked out in the past? Are your standards too high? Are you finding flaws where there are none because of a fear of commitment?

OP here. It’s happened a few times that the guy loses interest in me around the 6 month or year mark. And tbh I wasn’t really wild about him either. Kind of meh on both sides.

Now that this has happened a couple of times and you aren’t conscious of that pattern, make it work for you. Pay close attention to why you think that is. What behaviors did you engage in at the beginning that attracted these people but fizzled out later? Were you more attentive at first and then it was too much work? Were you high ebergy and then became low energy? Were you super interesting/interested and then got comfortable and complacent to the point of being boring? (Sometimes that can also lead to being bored with him too which might explain the “meh—I’m not that into you anymore either” reaction.)
You can’t fix what happened before and you can’t fix the guy, but you can use these experiences as tools to learn what to be aware of and try to find common threads.
If it falls apart after you get lazy and stop nurturing the other person, then resolve to be hyper-aware if this and fix it.

[Anonymous]

Bank embryos (with a sperm donor) and possibly eggs (if you get married.) frozen embryos more likely to lead to a pregnancy than thawed eggs that first have to get fertilized and develop into embryos (and get refrozen).

Good for you that you’re being proactive. Some people hate this book, but I always enjoyed Laurie gotleib’s book “marry him.” Despite the polarizing title, the book is a pragmatic guide to dating and helps bring into focus what to compromise on in dating and what your dealbreakers are. I read it at 22 after making a slew of poor relationship choices, but it is geared towards women in their 30s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend divorced at 37 and met a wonderful man at 38 and married at 39. It is not too late.

You may need to lower gyour standards.

This.
And if you aren’t sure this is a good idea, then at least examine statistics for outcomes for kids from a home where two parents are present VS one-parent home. It is not a gentle reality, but it is measurably a fact that kids are better off financially, academically, intellectually, socio-emotionally when they are raised in a home where two parents are present.


So if you need to think of it as raising your standards for what your future child needs to thrive, this may help you get motivated and comfortable with the idea that you need to first focus your energy on marriage (to a guy who wants children and is eager to start a family), and then stop ending relationships for dumb or superficial reasons (if that’s why they are ending).

This is accurate but some people will take offense and give examples of how they are either better off or how they are divorced and their kid is just fine.
But first, that’s anecdotal and it is natural that there will be stories of exceptions or the stories will detail how someone thrives in spite of not having two parents at home but they don’t examine how that compares to if they had had this benefit.