Coming to terms with the fact I may never get married

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bank embryos (with a sperm donor) and possibly eggs (if you get married.) frozen embryos more likely to lead to a pregnancy than thawed eggs that first have to get fertilized and develop into embryos (and get refrozen).

Good for you that you’re being proactive. Some people hate this book, but I always enjoyed Laurie gotleib’s book “marry him.” Despite the polarizing title, the book is a pragmatic guide to dating and helps bring into focus what to compromise on in dating and what your dealbreakers are. I read it at 22 after making a slew of poor relationship choices, but it is geared towards women in their 30s.

This book is absolutely trash. Dint waste your time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Marriage is not overrated. It is the single most important factor in developing wealth. My sister is 50 and single. Her life is full of struggles that I will never have. I don’t say that to be mean but it is the reality of her not having a dual income. There are plenty of marriages that suck but if you take the time to find someone you are compatible with, it can change your life. Unless you are extremely successful, raising a kid single will almost ensure financial struggles. Keep dating and make it a full time job. Consider men you might have said no to in the past but don’t ignore red flags (drinking, drugs, unemployed, etc.) for incompatibility.

It sounds like your sister made poor choices thinking some man would save her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would never want to be pregnant or have a baby by myself. I would feel so exposed and vulnerable, not to mention exhausted beyond belief.

How would you know?
.plenty of married women feel the same way

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriage is not overrated. It is the single most important factor in developing wealth. My sister is 50 and single. Her life is full of struggles that I will never have. I don’t say that to be mean but it is the reality of her not having a dual income. There are plenty of marriages that suck but if you take the time to find someone you are compatible with, it can change your life. Unless you are extremely successful, raising a kid single will almost ensure financial struggles. Keep dating and make it a full time job. Consider men you might have said no to in the past but don’t ignore red flags (drinking, drugs, unemployed, etc.) for incompatibility.

That your sister is a loser doesn’t mean that marriage isn’t overrated.

She’s correct about marriage building wealth though. You’re probably too young to appreciate how wide the gaps are by 50.

Actually I’m older than 50.

Who cares about building wealth if you don’t have kids to leave it to? All you need is enough money to comfortably support yourself. You’re not taking it with you.

+1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend divorced at 37 and met a wonderful man at 38 and married at 39. It is not too late.

You may need to lower your standards.

Please do not lower your standards, assuming they are realistic. Never a good idea to get married and to accept less than what feels good.

dp.. "Lower standards" might mean different things to different people.

Do you really need for him to have a great body? A full head of hair? The right color eyes or hair? I know women who have these kinds of standards, and it's why they have such a tough time finding men to marry. Yes, you need to feel some kind of attraction to him, but if you need all these superficial things to want to have sex with him, then you are going to have a tough time finding that whole package: looks, finances, personality, and generally just got his sh1t together. There just aren't that many men out there that's "high value" like this.

DH has a good personality, got his sh1t together, is ok attractive. He has not a great body; never has, and he's not super manly. He may not be my fantasy man, but, he's been a good husband and father.

I dated guys who were better looking, better shape, better in bed.. but they would not have made me a good partner.

Just because you maintain your high standards and marry a man who meets them doesn't mean that you'll get to keep him. If he's handsome and prosperous, he'll have plenty of opportunities to move on. Unless he messes up and you find out about the affair before he files, he'll also be able to time when he moves on to protect his resources from you. It's on you to keep your body up, to please him and to look good. You need to make his personal life easy because his job is so prominent and so attractive to hot women checking off their requirements on the list.

Yes, of course he's not necessarily going to be in as good shape at 55 or 60 as he was at 35 or 40. But he'll be much wealthier, much more gentlemanly, and the kids will be much older and less demanding on a stepmother. Actually, at a certain point your kids will be old enough to understand why he traded up for a hotter, younger woman. They'll understand the concept of market value that a preschooler or third-grader or 8th-grade simply can't comprehend with their limited worldview. At a certain point he might even be able to hook up his kid with AP's friends or their sibling's friends .

So do your part. Think about whether you're up to the chase for someone high-quality. Because high-quality men have more opportunities to move on (I don't like the word "cheat" because they're not moving on from who they married). Do whatever you can to keep yourself at the level that caught your high-quality man, so that he doesn't move on.

You incels aren't even trying to hide anymore

[Anonymous]

Are women really so mentally weak that they find it impossible to resist making the money and doing all the home work if they make the mistake of get married? Like men are some kind of addictive drug?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend divorced at 37 and met a wonderful man at 38 and married at 39. It is not too late.

You may need to lower gyour standards.

This.
And if you aren’t sure this is a good idea, then at least examine statistics for outcomes for kids from a home where two parents are present VS one-parent home. It is not a gentle reality, but it is measurably a fact that kids are better off financially, academically, intellectually, socio-emotionally when they are raised in a home where two parents are present.


So if you need to think of it as raising your standards for what your future child needs to thrive, this may help you get motivated and comfortable with the idea that you need to first focus your energy on marriage (to a guy who wants children and is eager to start a family), and then stop ending relationships for dumb or superficial reasons (if that’s why they are ending).

Single mom here . This statistic is MIs quoted all the time. When adjusted for stability of the household, outcomes are pretty much the same. Yes single homes are more likely to be unstable but if you can provide a stable home not much difference

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Marriage is a mixed bag and might not be for you and I wouldn't feel bad about that.

But I will say that if you are going to go the single mom by choice route, you need to make sure you have a good support system in place. Are your parents willing to be very involved? Or do you make a really good salary and can afford to pay for a full time nanny and other help?

The ONE area where I really don't think marriage is overrated is that the world is not set up for single parents at all, and there is pretty much always an assumption that you have someone else helping you with kids. Even something small like having a spouse with a long commute can make things really hard because everyone assumes both parents are home by 6, so not having a spouse at all would be like that, but always. So make sure you have systems in place so you have some kind of back up and you aren't truly on your own. Parenting is a joy but it's also really hard.

So interesting. I wonder what so many wives here and elsewhere are complaining about then🤔

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I prefer “broadening your horizons” rather than “lowering your standards.” Unless your standards are superficial like height and income. You want to marry a gainfully employed adult, but he doesn’t have to make $200K. Teachers and firefighters can make terrific husbands. So can men under 5’10.

As for weight, be honest with yourself and your values. If you are overweight yourself or are just not that physical, come to terms with the fact that most Americans, including eligible men, are overweight. However, if you are an avid hiker and biker and outdoors person, an overweight couch potato won’t share your values and it’s OK to swipe left.

Don’t limit yourself to just your same race and background and education level. I don’t understand how, in 2023, there are people in metropolitan USA who believe that they should only marry within their own race.

Be open to people who at first seem like huge nerds about their own things. Let them show you their world. Get to know people and just be a good human

Ugh! Most people are not married to super cool male models.
The vast majority are married to your average joe who cheat barely participate in the household and child rearing or expect to be guided like a child. This is true of men of all backgrounds and we can't just assume that culture and background are not hurdles that can cause issues in marriage.
Some of you really talk out of your rears

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, can you elaborate on this?

"It seems like for one reason or another the relationship fizzles out. I’ve dated a few guys seriously as well but they always have red flags (emotional issues, etc.)"

why have things not worked out in the past? Are your standards too high? Are you finding flaws where there are none because of a fear of commitment?

OP here. It’s happened a few times that the guy loses interest in me around the 6 month or year mark. And tbh I wasn’t really wild about him either. Kind of meh on both sides.

So now I feel op is trolling likely an incels pretending to be their version of what a woman is.
But pretending she's real for a moment:

Op why are you wasting time with men you are meh about?
Simply put that's stupid.

If it's not working after 5: dates or bup to a month move on!

[Anonymous]

Have you ever thought you might be too picky?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend divorced at 37 and met a wonderful man at 38 and married at 39. It is not too late.

You may need to lower your standards.

Yup. Shoot for someone that is at least 2-3 levels below you. If you are a 7 on the attractiveness scale, shoot for a 4 that fits the rest of your criteria.

JC. Why would anyone want to do this just to get married? WTF.

[Anonymous]

Wish I had never gotten married. Unlike you I didn’t really want to but I had a ton of pressure and I got married to 32. Worst decade of my life. I now have 10 more years to go coparenting with someone I don’t want to interact with.

Marriage is highly overrated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Marriage is not overrated. It is the single most important factor in developing wealth. My sister is 50 and single. Her life is full of struggles that I will never have. I don’t say that to be mean but it is the reality of her not having a dual income. There are plenty of marriages that suck but if you take the time to find someone you are compatible with, it can change your life. Unless you are extremely successful, raising a kid single will almost ensure financial struggles. Keep dating and make it a full time job. Consider men you might have said no to in the past but don’t ignore red flags (drinking, drugs, unemployed, etc.) for incompatibility.

Your sister is a single anecdote. Marriage was one of the worst financial decisions of my life, and I’m a woman. I would’ve been far better off being able to control my own career instead of adapting to his, keeping my own money, and not paying for childcare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would never want to be pregnant or have a baby by myself. I would feel so exposed and vulnerable, not to mention exhausted beyond belief.

Not all men help you know, even if you’re married.