Encouragement with sudden financial instability

[Anonymous]

Divorce is often financially ruinous for everyone involved, but especially women, many of whom have made the same choices as you and are subsequently swimming hard up the same stream.

How I dealt with it was that I accepted that I would accrue some debt in order to stabilize my life. I don't think you will even have to do that, because you have a lot in savings. Maybe not longterm, but with that $100k, you can wait out the rest of your lease making ends meet as best you can and then move somewhere with better options. Once I accepted the reality that divorce is expensive AND that I was deciding that the expense was worth it for me, it was easier to not cringe every time a bill from the lawyer came or whatever.

It sounds like you're reeling because you had been operating collaboratively and he basically trashed that plan. But "state ordered support" is probably a lot more than you think. Maybe have your lawyer reassess the situation to get a better deal for you in the non-collaborative situation you are now in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He doesn’t get to just not help pay camp and childcare expenses. He is also a parent and child support alone is a joke in most states. If you truly have the kids 99% of the week, your child support should be adjusted accordingly. For example, in VA there are two formulas; one for most custody splits and one in situations where one parent has fewer than 95 x 24 hour periods with their children. The parent with far less custody has to pay more.

I know lawyers are expensive but DO NOT let him steamroll you because you are afraid of having to pay a good lawyer.

+1 my sister was thrifty on the legal support during her divorce and paid for it dearly over the years. Invest some time and money here to make sure you turn over every leaf on what you and your kids will need and should expect. Don’t count on any amicable generosity later. One of her kids has expensive out-of-pocket medical needs and she is solely responsible even the ex makes 5x her salary.

This. Remember, he already hired an aggressive attorney. Don't bring a knife to this gun fight.

I have a good attorney I trust with 40 yrs experience. Def not cheap if out with legal representation.

[Anonymous]

As they say in Brooklyn never ask for more in Divorce than the cost is a hit man

[Anonymous]

Nope too bad that he travels. Now he needs to figure out childcare for the 50% of the week that he has them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorce is often financially ruinous for everyone involved, but especially women, many of whom have made the same choices as you and are subsequently swimming hard up the same stream.

How I dealt with it was that I accepted that I would accrue some debt in order to stabilize my life. I don't think you will even have to do that, because you have a lot in savings. Maybe not longterm, but with that $100k, you can wait out the rest of your lease making ends meet as best you can and then move somewhere with better options. Once I accepted the reality that divorce is expensive AND that I was deciding that the expense was worth it for me, it was easier to not cringe every time a bill from the lawyer came or whatever.

It sounds like you're reeling because you had been operating collaboratively and he basically trashed that plan. But "state ordered support" is probably a lot more than you think. Maybe have your lawyer reassess the situation to get a better deal for you in the non-collaborative situation you are now in.

Off topic but this is why I never understood the concept of "household net worth." When you're in a marriage, you only ever truly own half of the so-called joint assets. If married people divided their household net worth in two, they would better understand their true financial situation and not be as blindsided by divorce.

[Anonymous]

Me: I would nail his bum to the wall and insist on 50% custody because I’m petty like that. But, really this guy think he can just peace put on his kids? Nope

[Anonymous]

You got a raw deal. Get good legal counsel so the ex with have to be responsible in time and money for the kids. Go talk to the Leasing Manager and explain your situation, they may allow you to sublet or break the lease if you wish early with no fee, depending on what you want. If you don't ask you won't receive. I make the assumption that almost everything in life is negotiable. You will have to find full time employment, but that may end up being a blessing. GL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He doesn’t get to just not help pay camp and childcare expenses. He is also a parent and child support alone is a joke in most states. If you truly have the kids 99% of the week, your child support should be adjusted accordingly. For example, in VA there are two formulas; one for most custody splits and one in situations where one parent has fewer than 95 x 24 hour periods with their children. The parent with far less custody has to pay more.

I know lawyers are expensive but DO NOT let him steamroll you because you are afraid of having to pay a good lawyer.

This. You are not his childcare while he works. If custody is 50/50 then he needs to cover childcare costs or use PTO to watch his kids on his days. If I were you I would only try to cover childcare costs for your share of custody. If you’re having primary custody then he needs to pay more and also you get to claim the kids on taxes. Get that part in writing so he doesn’t try to pull some shady stuff at tax time.

Deep breaths OP. His lawyer is trying to scare you. You are now on alert you need a shark of a lawyer yourself. Do not skimp on this (basically don’t be penny wise pound foolish). DH has made it clear he doesn’t care what happens to you and frankly it doesn’t sound like he cares about the kids either. What sort of parent reneges on paying for their child’s 529 and care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He doesn’t get to just not help pay camp and childcare expenses. He is also a parent and child support alone is a joke in most states. If you truly have the kids 99% of the week, your child support should be adjusted accordingly. For example, in VA there are two formulas; one for most custody splits and one in situations where one parent has fewer than 95 x 24 hour periods with their children. The parent with far less custody has to pay more.

I know lawyers are expensive but DO NOT let him steamroll you because you are afraid of having to pay a good lawyer.

+1 my sister was thrifty on the legal support during her divorce and paid for it dearly over the years. Invest some time and money here to make sure you turn over every leaf on what you and your kids will need and should expect. Don’t count on any amicable generosity later. One of her kids has expensive out-of-pocket medical needs and she is solely responsible even the ex makes 5x her salary.

Who are these loser dead beats that don’t want to contribute to their child’s medical expenses? I’m trying to envision a world in which I would just not pay for stuff for my kids. I don’t care if DH cheated on me with an entire harem, I would still want the best for my children.

I’m sorry to you ladies and your kids dealing with these scummy dirt bags.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Me: I would nail his bum to the wall and insist on 50% custody because I’m petty like that. But, really this guy think he can just peace put on his kids? Nope

Yup, do this OP. Even if you are open to 99% custody in the end, call his bluff. Have your lawyer propose several options for switching off that would be ruinous for his career. If he wants to shirk his parental responsibilities he needs to buy you out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is his income?
What do you mean by your lease is "ironclad"? How long is it? What is the monthly rent? Is there room to sublet a room to someone else?
What is the monthly child support amount? Has it been adjusted to reflect that you have custody 99% of the time?

As a kid, my newly divorced mom had to get a roommate so that we could continue to live in our home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He doesn’t get to just not help pay camp and childcare expenses. He is also a parent and child support alone is a joke in most states. If you truly have the kids 99% of the week, your child support should be adjusted accordingly. For example, in VA there are two formulas; one for most custody splits and one in situations where one parent has fewer than 95 x 24 hour periods with their children. The parent with far less custody has to pay more.

I know lawyers are expensive but DO NOT let him steamroll you because you are afraid of having to pay a good lawyer.

This. Every dollar you spend on a good divorce lawyer should (a) save you money/retain you money and (b) ensure a level(er) playing field for you.

Don’t let your scumbag ex get away with this crap. I’m so sorry he’s making this more difficult than it should be (especially horrible as he betrayed you). You will get through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you work as a high paid nanny? I did that when my son was younger. He went to before/after care. I made good money (just under $100k). You have a ton of money with the $100k so don’t worry.

I am looking at nanny jobs. The issue is I have to do school drop offs and pickups and their school gets out at noon one day a week (and 2:30 all other days). I’d need to provide services in my home so would need to find family ok with that.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. What was your work history prior to sah? The kids needs to go to after school and you need a FT job.

[Anonymous]

You need after care and a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He doesn’t get to just not help pay camp and childcare expenses. He is also a parent and child support alone is a joke in most states. If you truly have the kids 99% of the week, your child support should be adjusted accordingly. For example, in VA there are two formulas; one for most custody splits and one in situations where one parent has fewer than 95 x 24 hour periods with their children. The parent with far less custody has to pay more.

I know lawyers are expensive but DO NOT let him steamroll you because you are afraid of having to pay a good lawyer.

+1 my sister was thrifty on the legal support during her divorce and paid for it dearly over the years. Invest some time and money here to make sure you turn over every leaf on what you and your kids will need and should expect. Don’t count on any amicable generosity later. One of her kids has expensive out-of-pocket medical needs and she is solely responsible even the ex makes 5x her salary.

This. Remember, he already hired an aggressive attorney. Don't bring a knife to this gun fight.

This OP. My mom was Ms. Nice and got effed by her second husband. His despicable family helped him hide money. Their DD will barely speak to him now, kids know what's what.

You are a bad @ss! Go get what you deserve, girl. If he's not seeing the kids, you could also move them out of state to force his hand.

Try Starbucks or Whole Foods for insurance.






This. The attorney is just doing his job but has to have DH's support in this move, which is telling. YOu need to hire an equally aggressive attorney. don't do anything else until you do that.