Encouragement with sudden financial instability

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you are getting child support ? You do have money coming in ? Know that it could be worse . I would suggest you look for any kind of job and know that you are ahead of so many with the child support.

I am getting the max in child support stipulated by the state. However it covers less than half of my rent. I am looking for anything I can do work wise, either when kids are at school or that pays enough to get babysitters when they aren’t in school.

He can pick them up from school and babysit.

He travels M-F and some weekends for work. He sees them when he can. It is def far from ideal, and this is why I put my career on hold to stay home with them as we would basically break even if I worked and we paid for daycare.

Then I guess he needs to get a new job.

Dad needs to get a new job and share the work. You do not need to worry about his work schedule and why should his work schedule be more important than yours?

[Anonymous]

Go to trial and let a judge decide. You may come out ahead. Ask for attorney fees as well.

If you have the kids that much and he's not doing 50-50 that will be in the child support formula. Every state is different if it includes camps, child care, etc. but you can absolutely negotiate all that or have it ordered. Same with alimony.

Don't back down. Get a good aggressive lawyer.

Also, demand he take the kids 50-50. When he's home, drive them over and drop them off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need after care and a job.

Yes. He does too. Aftercare and a new job where he can pull his weight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He doesn’t get to just not help pay camp and childcare expenses. He is also a parent and child support alone is a joke in most states. If you truly have the kids 99% of the week, your child support should be adjusted accordingly. For example, in VA there are two formulas; one for most custody splits and one in situations where one parent has fewer than 95 x 24 hour periods with their children. The parent with far less custody has to pay more.

I know lawyers are expensive but DO NOT let him steamroll you because you are afraid of having to pay a good lawyer.

This. You are not his childcare while he works. If custody is 50/50 then he needs to cover childcare costs or use PTO to watch his kids on his days. If I were you I would only try to cover childcare costs for your share of custody. If you’re having primary custody then he needs to pay more and also you get to claim the kids on taxes. Get that part in writing so he doesn’t try to pull some shady stuff at tax time.

Deep breaths OP. His lawyer is trying to scare you. You are now on alert you need a shark of a lawyer yourself. Do not skimp on this (basically don’t be penny wise pound foolish). DH has made it clear he doesn’t care what happens to you and frankly it doesn’t sound like he cares about the kids either. What sort of parent reneges on paying for their child’s 529 and care.

If he is not taking 50-50 because of work do not agree to 50-50 and do an actual calculation of the real time-share if he only has them few days a month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is his income?
What do you mean by your lease is "ironclad"? How long is it? What is the monthly rent? Is there room to sublet a room to someone else?
What is the monthly child support amount? Has it been adjusted to reflect that you have custody 99% of the time?

He makes about $160k. My rent is $3600 for three bedrooms (myself and two kids). It is surprisingly average in our area. I just signed a lease for a year that doesn’t permit subletters so am locked in for 11 more months minimum. TX doesn’t adjust child support for percentage time; I am maxed out as is ($1600) for state limit.

You need to be realistic about your spending. At his income level, you cannot afford two houses at that cost. You cannot afford $3600K. You cannot keep the same lifestyle as you once had. You may need to move out of the area. That doesn't sound right that it mazes out at $1600 but that may be the guidelines amount given his income. Get a good attorney and have them review everything. Find a new cheaper apartment. Get a two bedroom or one bedroom with a den and you get the den.

[Anonymous]

You definitely need to get a way cheaper place even if you have to move further out. That is ridiculously expensive for TX. Are your kids the same gender? Can they share a room?

[Anonymous]

Get a lawyer, tomorrow. You need one. Don’t back down. You can’t fix anything after you sign. Get. A. Lawyer. Tomorrow.

[Anonymous]

Thanks from OP. Yes, our rental is pricy but about average TBH. We live in Austin and it’s become similar in price to places like DC and Boston. We had planned to renew our lease but then all of this happened and I scrambled to find a rental to move the kids and me to (our prior house cost more).

Their dad actually moved to a different state. He travels for work so much that his company had preferred that he relocate to a different area where they have a HQ. So, he can’t do 50/50 or anywhere near that. He is gone all week and then he says he intends to travel back to TX to see them 1-2 weekends a month. Further he doesn’t WANT 50/50. He won’t change jobs for sure.

I may have to bring in a roommate (I have a boy and a girl and they could share); of course I don’t want a stranger in my space and with young kids. It’s a small space as is; I had to get rid of a lot of furniture and items to get us to fit. I also could ask my landlord to let me sublet given hardship. But then I don’t know where to really go and who would rent to me without a source of income (his name is on my lease because of that as it is) and it would mean likely pulling the kids from their school. All things I have to figure out.

I do have a good attorney. Best in the city, 40 years of experience. So good that the original lawyer my STBX wanted to retain declined to represent him when he saw who was representing me. The issue is the state of TX and it’s unfriendly laws for women (no surprise).

I am looking hard for FT work with benefits and am on wait lists for four after care programs. But there is the rub, right? I can’t pay for after care without income and can’t get a job without after care. Unless I go through my savings.

I know I will be able to figure out something that works. I have no issue doing odd jobs and pet sitting and mid day shift work until I can find something more stable. And if I have to take a loan then I can do it. I am just really struggling with everything, and the financial strain is really scary to be honest. I am literally going to go into debt, deep debt, paying for the repercussions of my cheating husband’s choices, and that will only hurt our children, on top of what he has done to them by destroying their family, stability, and impacting their emotional well-being.

I appreciate the support here, and the fact that the majority of you have been kind in your responses. It took a lot for me to post all of this. So thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He doesn’t get to just not help pay camp and childcare expenses. He is also a parent and child support alone is a joke in most states. If you truly have the kids 99% of the week, your child support should be adjusted accordingly. For example, in VA there are two formulas; one for most custody splits and one in situations where one parent has fewer than 95 x 24 hour periods with their children. The parent with far less custody has to pay more.

I know lawyers are expensive but DO NOT let him steamroll you because you are afraid of having to pay a good lawyer.

This.

Why do you not get any alimony as a SAHM?

Consider having him take more custody, you will sorely need it esp if you go to work.

[Anonymous]

^ TX does not award alimony unless you have been married more than 10 years or fit criteria like being a FT caregiver to a disabled child. I fit neither criteria.

He can't take more custody as he left the state, travels for work, and sadly does not want more custody. I receive the most child support I can based on his salary as is.

[Anonymous]

You are going to have to dip into savings until you get a job. In the meantime can you get help (childcare or money) from friends and family? What about the paternal grandparents? Would they help out out of shame for the way you are their grandchildren are being treated?

[Anonymous]

Forgive me, but Alimony and increased child support are options if you go to trial, yes? Lean on your attorney here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are going to have to dip into savings until you get a job. In the meantime can you get help (childcare or money) from friends and family? What about the paternal grandparents? Would they help out out of shame for the way you are their grandchildren are being treated?

Yes, I’ll be using savings to pay for sure. I have friends in the area and many have said they will step up and help in a pinch for babysitting, which is so kind, but they all have young families and a lot on their plates so it’s not a consistent thing. No family in the area. His parents have both passed and he has one brother who lives in the UK. I know my parents would lend me money if I can’t make my rent and they will travel from out of state to help if I have something big like an emergency or needed to go out of town for (hypothetical) job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Forgive me, but Alimony and increased child support are options if you go to trial, yes? Lean on your attorney here.

Unfortunately no. I am already receiving the max amount of child support as dictated by the state based on his income. And alimony is not provided automatically unless I meet certain criteria, which I do not meet. My hands are really tied. My attorney has advised me it’s best to try to work it out with him directly, then try for mediation. If it goes to trial that is worst case as I would only get the child support.

I am trying to take breaths through all of this, and know that I do have savings, and I have a clean credit history that would enable me to open a new card to put expenses on. And in the meantime, I am continuing the full court press for employment, whatever that may look like. I know it could be worse, and it still could get worse, and also trying to keep perspective that worse things have happened to better people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Forgive me, but Alimony and increased child support are options if you go to trial, yes? Lean on your attorney here.

Unfortunately no. I am already receiving the max amount of child support as dictated by the state based on his income. And alimony is not provided automatically unless I meet certain criteria, which I do not meet. My hands are really tied. My attorney has advised me it’s best to try to work it out with him directly, then try for mediation. If it goes to trial that is worst case as I would only get the child support.

I am trying to take breaths through all of this, and know that I do have savings, and I have a clean credit history that would enable me to open a new card to put expenses on. And in the meantime, I am continuing the full court press for employment, whatever that may look like. I know it could be worse, and it still could get worse, and also trying to keep perspective that worse things have happened to better people.

How are you responsible entirely for childcare expense? Do you have sole custody? I find it hard to believe that he cannot be mandated to pay at least half of childcare as you have to work. It goes without saying that you must work to make a living, and if your kids need childcare, then both of you must pay for it, he can't just dump kids on you while he "travels" for work or whatever and have you pay 100% of babysitting services. Something is fishy about it.