Encouragement with sudden financial instability

[Anonymous]

Not sure where to put this post, but I would love to hear from anyone who was able to manage climbing out of a precarious financial situation.

My husband had an affair and left me earlier in the summer. I had been a SAHM supporting his career and we balanced smartly on one income: saving for a down payment, modest rainy day savings, retirement investment, college savings plans for our young kids, no debt, and lived within our means while being able to enjoy some small luxuries. While devastated, I agreed it was best to move on swiftly and as amicably as we could for our small children. We each retitled our car in separate names (owned outright), each retained the individual bank accounts we came into the marriage with, and split and closed our joint account. We don't own property or other complex assets so there is nothing else to divide. We agreed he would provide alimony since I had put my career on hold and have been out of the workplace for several years. We came to a value we both agreed to, and he agreed he would also pay half of the costs of childcare and summer camp so I could return to work, as well as continuing to contribute to the 529 plans (I would too). We put the language in our separation agreement and my attorney ported it into the draft divorce agreement.

Our lease ended and we both just moved to smaller rental homes. I have the kids 99% of the time as he travels during the work week. I have been furiously job searching and trying to figure out how to begin to do hybrid work with small kids and as of now no childcare help before/after school. But I knew I would have alimony to help me pay my rent and bills while I figured things out.

This week I was dealt a horrible blow as his lawyer returned the draft and all has been reneged on. No alimony, no help paying for camp or afterschool care or lessons, no set contribution to college savings. Only state ordered child support. His counsel said they would not entertain a counter and would maybe do mediation or force a trial. The state in which we are residents does not auto award alimony (I do not fit the criteria so it is at payor's discretion) so if it goes to trial I would not get anything above child support. I am completely gutted, shocked, and petrified. I have meager savings from when I worked ($100,000) and a neglected IRA with nowhere near the value I could ever begin to retire on. And all of the sudden I have huge expenses from legal fees, and possibly soon from more mediation and trial fees. On top of paying rent, utilities, and if I get work, 100% of childcare costs.

For the first time in my life I will be losing money every month (I am estimating $2000-3000 depending on final childcare costs and of course not including legal fees, have spent $15k in two months) with, for now, no income coming in. My lease is ironclad so moving in with family is not an option (they live across the country too, in a rural area it would be hard for me to find work in). I have already cut back on so much, am selling possessions, cancelled the kids' sports lessons, and this week am consigning my engagement ring and wedding band. I am picking up odd jobs from Facebook to do while the kids are at school and applying to as much as I can. Everything from "real jobs" I used to do as a professional to nanny jobs to retail jobs with mother's hours. I am afraid of draining my meager savings, of going into debt, and of trying to make it work with so much financial instability.

I know this sounds weak and desperate, but has anyone been in a similar situation where you had financial trouble and were able to climb out to better footing? My savings can float us for a short time, and there is always the option of taking out a personal loan or accruing credit card debt, but I am panicked. I also feel completely ashamed. I have been very financially conservative my entire life and now I have nothing to show for it. In a very lame way, I think I just need some internet strangers to tell me it will be ok (or not, I can take that too).

**I am very fragile right now and it took a lot to post this; I kindly ask if you have snark or ridicule to please just scroll by this post**

[Anonymous]

So you are getting child support ? You do have money coming in ? Know that it could be worse . I would suggest you look for any kind of job and know that you are ahead of so many with the child support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you are getting child support ? You do have money coming in ? Know that it could be worse . I would suggest you look for any kind of job and know that you are ahead of so many with the child support.

+1 You'll be fine once you're working with child support coming in as well. And $100K in savings means you are in far better shape than most.

[Anonymous]

He doesn’t get to just not help pay camp and childcare expenses. He is also a parent and child support alone is a joke in most states. If you truly have the kids 99% of the week, your child support should be adjusted accordingly. For example, in VA there are two formulas; one for most custody splits and one in situations where one parent has fewer than 95 x 24 hour periods with their children. The parent with far less custody has to pay more.

I know lawyers are expensive but DO NOT let him steamroll you because you are afraid of having to pay a good lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you could run an in home daycare and it's ok if your kids are there before / after school.

[Anonymous]

See if you qualify for a QDRO in case he has a 401k at work. Also, who’s going to cover the family health insurance?

https://www.dol.gov/sites/dolgov/files/ebsa/about-ebsa/our-activities/resource-center/faqs/qdro-overview.pdf

[Anonymous]

Great, I guess he plans to have them during camp hours.

[Anonymous]

Single mom here. I'm so sorry you are in this position. You will be okay! I know it is super scary right now, but you have a lot going for you. Your savings are huge. You have a place to live. You are safe.

I'm surprised you would not be eligible for alimony since you stayed home to care for the kids. Maybe double check that? Also, you should not be left to do nearly 100% of childcare AND pay for all childcare costs. The child support should factor these in. I'm in Virginia, and the child support formula here accounts for childcare costs, custody split, health insurance, etc. Check your state - it probably does as well.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

What state? So, both kids are at school? What are the hours?
You can easily watch someone else's child when your own kids are at school. You can also work lunch shift in a restaurant. Restaurants are very busy right now and also flexible. You can easily call in sick if your children get sick.
Been there done that, but since my ex never supported me really, it didn't make a difference. I got $400 a month and even that he stopped paying.
$100k in savings can easily bring in $400 a month in HYSA.

[Anonymous]

$100k is not meager savings, it’s a lot of money.

This sounds scary but you can do this. Work with a good lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you are getting child support ? You do have money coming in ? Know that it could be worse . I would suggest you look for any kind of job and know that you are ahead of so many with the child support.

I am getting the max in child support stipulated by the state. However it covers less than half of my rent. I am looking for anything I can do work wise, either when kids are at school or that pays enough to get babysitters when they aren’t in school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you are getting child support ? You do have money coming in ? Know that it could be worse . I would suggest you look for any kind of job and know that you are ahead of so many with the child support.

I am getting the max in child support stipulated by the state. However it covers less than half of my rent. I am looking for anything I can do work wise, either when kids are at school or that pays enough to get babysitters when they aren’t in school.

He can pick them up from school and babysit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He doesn’t get to just not help pay camp and childcare expenses. He is also a parent and child support alone is a joke in most states. If you truly have the kids 99% of the week, your child support should be adjusted accordingly. For example, in VA there are two formulas; one for most custody splits and one in situations where one parent has fewer than 95 x 24 hour periods with their children. The parent with far less custody has to pay more.

I know lawyers are expensive but DO NOT let him steamroll you because you are afraid of having to pay a good lawyer.

Thank you. I am getting the highest amount as dictated by the state we are in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you are getting child support ? You do have money coming in ? Know that it could be worse . I would suggest you look for any kind of job and know that you are ahead of so many with the child support.

I am getting the max in child support stipulated by the state. However it covers less than half of my rent. I am looking for anything I can do work wise, either when kids are at school or that pays enough to get babysitters when they aren’t in school.

He can pick them up from school and babysit.

He travels M-F and some weekends for work. He sees them when he can. It is def far from ideal, and this is why I put my career on hold to stay home with them as we would basically break even if I worked and we paid for daycare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you are getting child support ? You do have money coming in ? Know that it could be worse . I would suggest you look for any kind of job and know that you are ahead of so many with the child support.

I am getting the max in child support stipulated by the state. However it covers less than half of my rent. I am looking for anything I can do work wise, either when kids are at school or that pays enough to get babysitters when they aren’t in school.

He can pick them up from school and babysit.

He travels M-F and some weekends for work. He sees them when he can. It is def far from ideal, and this is why I put my career on hold to stay home with them as we would basically break even if I worked and we paid for daycare.

Then I guess he needs to get a new job.