Too tired to care for my mom, who wants to live onto her mid 90’s…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you teens interact with her? My grandmother lived with us at that age when I was a teen. She and my mother were often irritated by each other, but I got along pretty great with her. We baked, watched sitcoms together (Golden Girls!), she told me I worked too hard and looked pretty, I helped her with her hair and getting things down from the closet, and we griped about how my mom imposed unreasonable rules on both of us.

Is there something you can do to encourage her to interact more with your teens? Offer to pay them to help her run errands or do her hair/nails? Try to get them yo make a family history on their phones? Help grandma Google stalk all her old friends? (My mom loves to do this — I find her all the obits for people she knew decades ago z. It’s sometimes a fun google challenge.). Drive her to grocery store or target or Costco?

Hahahaha! I love this so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is 85 and has very cheerful dementia.

I thank heaven and earth that she does not have angry dementia, and she still basically knows who I am though she thinks I am 14.

But I miss my mom, the person I could have a conversation with. You can’t have talk about anything with someone that has no memory. My mom physically is here but that woman is just a shadow of my mom.

And she is so physically healthy. I fear she will live forever. I don’t think I can do this for another 10 years.

I am in the same situation. My mom is the picture of physical health except for alzheimer's. I worry she may live forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is 85 and has very cheerful dementia.

I thank heaven and earth that she does not have angry dementia, and she still basically knows who I am though she thinks I am 14.

But I miss my mom, the person I could have a conversation with. You can’t have talk about anything with someone that has no memory. My mom physically is here but that woman is just a shadow of my mom.

And she is so physically healthy. I fear she will live forever. I don’t think I can do this for another 10 years.

If I get dementia, I am going to end things in a moment of lucidity. At some point I want to talk to my kids about it - when we are all much older. But hearing these stories about caring for parents with dementia, spending insane amounts of money to be looked after and not knowing who I am or who my family are. If you're lucky, you are cheerful. If you're not, then you're angry and unhappy. Forget it. My maternal grandmother had relatively early onset Alzheimer's. I never knew her well because of it. But over the years I watched her go from semi-lucid to mentally not there at all. My mother would cry when she remembered how vibrant she was. I don't want that for anyone.

That’s not typically how dementia works.

?? People don't typically go from fully functioning to permanent cognitive impairment from one day to the next. Plenty of people with dementia or Alzheimer's know of their diagnosis while they are still cognitively all or mostly there.

[Anonymous]

My vague plan is to go to the assisted suicide Pegasos clinic in Basel if I’m ever diagnosed with Alzheimer’s or something where it will clearly be a long, horrible, irreversible decline. Last I heard it was $11,000 and no terminal illness diagnosis required.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My vague plan is to go to the assisted suicide Pegasos clinic in Basel if I’m ever diagnosed with Alzheimer’s or something where it will clearly be a long, horrible, irreversible decline. Last I heard it was $11,000 and no terminal illness diagnosis required.

+1 You’ve posted about this before, I’m pretty sure. I looked up the clinic and this is now my plan, too. Lol It gives me comfort to know that something like it exists.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never move a parent into your house… ever.

Over 55 communities are not nursing homes and they are amazing.

And they ... cost money. A lot of money. Not everyone can afford that.

OP, I'm sorry for how hard this is. My mother is 80 and in great health, physically and mentally. I have no idea how long she will live (her parents lived into their early 90s).

I just know the next decade will be difficult, probably starting with something sudden. And she has not made any real plans.

People need to plan for that. It was much cheaper for my mom to move to an over 55 community than to stay in the family home.

God bless my Mom!!! My dad passed away from terminal cancer at 76. My mom was 73. They had been in the family home for 50 years. They kept it up well, renovated, great condition.

She had worked as a nurse and head administrator at assisted living facilities in the area and her own mother used to tell her don't wait too long to move into an over-55.

My mom is 79. Bought a 2-bedroom condo at a very nice over-55 that has assisted living on site if the time comes. She is incredibly active and young looking (people place her late 60s). But, she's realistic she turns 80 in October. She sold the house this summer, did all of the painful down-sizing and sorting through 50 years of 'stuff'. It was very emotional and incredibly draining and she keeps saying she can't imagine doing this any older than she is. She has a few friends from the neighborhood (same age) that are still waiting to move 'not ready' and it is going to get ugly.

It's a gift you give your children--having all your sh*t in order and not burdening them. My mom is my total role model now.

Your mom is awesome. My mom lives in a house (and shed) full of hoarder stuff. She tells me “you can deal with it when I die”. Typical selfish boomer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My vague plan is to go to the assisted suicide Pegasos clinic in Basel if I’m ever diagnosed with Alzheimer’s or something where it will clearly be a long, horrible, irreversible decline. Last I heard it was $11,000 and no terminal illness diagnosis required.

+1 You’ve posted about this before, I’m pretty sure. I looked up the clinic and this is now my plan, too. Lol It gives me comfort to know that something like it exists.

Same - I remember someone posting about this years ago, and about having some sort of medical directive that if they fail to meet certain metrics to fly them to this clinic first-class and end it. That's now my plan as well.

[Anonymous]

My grandmother was ready to die by 90. She was OVER IT. She lived to be 100 though.

So yeah, we don't really have a say in all this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My vague plan is to go to the assisted suicide Pegasos clinic in Basel if I’m ever diagnosed with Alzheimer’s or something where it will clearly be a long, horrible, irreversible decline. Last I heard it was $11,000 and no terminal illness diagnosis required.

I just recently watched Still Alice, which came out like 10 years ago. But it was a really well done look at how something like Alzheimer's starts and progresses. And how the plans you make when you're lucid don't always wind up being possible to execute when you slip past that line. It was a heart wrenching movie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My vague plan is to go to the assisted suicide Pegasos clinic in Basel if I’m ever diagnosed with Alzheimer’s or something where it will clearly be a long, horrible, irreversible decline. Last I heard it was $11,000 and no terminal illness diagnosis required.

+1 You’ve posted about this before, I’m pretty sure. I looked up the clinic and this is now my plan, too. Lol It gives me comfort to know that something like it exists.

Yeah. I posted it. Think just the idea is reassuring to me. Listened to a very moving podcast about Amy Bloom’s book about her husband’s decision to end his life at Dignitas after being diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. Very moving but not depressing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is 85 and has very cheerful dementia.

I thank heaven and earth that she does not have angry dementia, and she still basically knows who I am though she thinks I am 14.

But I miss my mom, the person I could have a conversation with. You can’t have talk about anything with someone that has no memory. My mom physically is here but that woman is just a shadow of my mom.

And she is so physically healthy. I fear she will live forever. I don’t think I can do this for another 10 years.

If I get dementia, I am going to end things in a moment of lucidity. At some point I want to talk to my kids about it - when we are all much older. But hearing these stories about caring for parents with dementia, spending insane amounts of money to be looked after and not knowing who I am or who my family are. If you're lucky, you are cheerful. If you're not, then you're angry and unhappy. Forget it. My maternal grandmother had relatively early onset Alzheimer's. I never knew her well because of it. But over the years I watched her go from semi-lucid to mentally not there at all. My mother would cry when she remembered how vibrant she was. I don't want that for anyone.

+1
I actively talk with my DH and kids about this all the time, and my kids are young. There is a fate worse than death and I don't want that. My MIL is an example - she's alive physically but can't do anything for herself. She wears diapers, can't make herself coffee, can't carry on a conversation, etc. She refuses to go to a home and doesn't "want to to be a burden". It's a huge burden on everyone who cares about her- we want to honor her wishes, but they are not realistic. Honestly, if I get there I'd rather be dead and my family knows that - I also have a DNR.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My vague plan is to go to the assisted suicide Pegasos clinic in Basel if I’m ever diagnosed with Alzheimer’s or something where it will clearly be a long, horrible, irreversible decline. Last I heard it was $11,000 and no terminal illness diagnosis required.

+1 You’ve posted about this before, I’m pretty sure. I looked up the clinic and this is now my plan, too. Lol It gives me comfort to know that something like it exists.

They will be overrun by the time I get there. There is a business opportunity here. It should be part of estate planning to die with dignity when you chose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Which of course she has no control over how long she lives (now 89) but did you ever feel that people shouldn’t live that long? I don’t want to live that long.

I’m 61, give me +|- 20 years I’m good. My husband and I became parents late in life. We still have 3 teens at home, the two girls are wiping me out emotionally, physically, and sometime financially. I have no energy for my mother living with us, I can barely talk to her. I have no energy, nor desire. I feel so guilty.

Sometimes, I feel resentful she’s here but we can’t afford a nursing home plus I would never feel comfortable putting her in one. I hate looking at her, I want to only remember her a certain way, certain age.

I feel terrible but I don’t think we were meant to live this long. Do you want to live that long? What for?

No, because I am not a terrible person. Who are you to judge how long a person should live?

You've clearly go no experience with the ultra-elderly. Adult children have a lot of say in how long their parents live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My vague plan is to go to the assisted suicide Pegasos clinic in Basel if I’m ever diagnosed with Alzheimer’s or something where it will clearly be a long, horrible, irreversible decline. Last I heard it was $11,000 and no terminal illness diagnosis required.

+1 You’ve posted about this before, I’m pretty sure. I looked up the clinic and this is now my plan, too. Lol It gives me comfort to know that something like it exists.

They will be overrun by the time I get there. There is a business opportunity here. It should be part of estate planning to die with dignity when you chose.

It's similar to scheduling a c-section. You don't have to but the option is there. Similar to a baby coming out, death will happen - this is just a means to control the variables.

[Anonymous]

Ugh I’m sorry for the OP and other PPs on here but this is a really horrible thread.