Too tired to care for my mom, who wants to live onto her mid 90’s…

[Anonymous]

Do you teens interact with her? My grandmother lived with us at that age when I was a teen. She and my mother were often irritated by each other, but I got along pretty great with her. We baked, watched sitcoms together (Golden Girls!), she told me I worked too hard and looked pretty, I helped her with her hair and getting things down from the closet, and we griped about how my mom imposed unreasonable rules on both of us.

Is there something you can do to encourage her to interact more with your teens? Offer to pay them to help her run errands or do her hair/nails? Try to get them yo make a family history on their phones? Help grandma Google stalk all her old friends? (My mom loves to do this — I find her all the obits for people she knew decades ago z. It’s sometimes a fun google challenge.). Drive her to grocery store or target or Costco?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is 85 and has very cheerful dementia.

I thank heaven and earth that she does not have angry dementia, and she still basically knows who I am though she thinks I am 14.

But I miss my mom, the person I could have a conversation with. You can’t have talk about anything with someone that has no memory. My mom physically is here but that woman is just a shadow of my mom.

And she is so physically healthy. I fear she will live forever. I don’t think I can do this for another 10 years.

If I get dementia, I am going to end things in a moment of lucidity. At some point I want to talk to my kids about it - when we are all much older. But hearing these stories about caring for parents with dementia, spending insane amounts of money to be looked after and not knowing who I am or who my family are. If you're lucky, you are cheerful. If you're not, then you're angry and unhappy. Forget it. My maternal grandmother had relatively early onset Alzheimer's. I never knew her well because of it. But over the years I watched her go from semi-lucid to mentally not there at all. My mother would cry when she remembered how vibrant she was. I don't want that for anyone.

That’s not typically how dementia works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah the problem is we manage to keep people physically alive but unable to fully function. This type of medical care is completely unethical.

This is so true!!! Emphasis should be placed on quality of life, not "safety" and keeping them alive... This new way of medically aging is horrible for the elderly and a huge burden on their children and our medical system.

[Anonymous]

I like the Fentanyl idea. Kids get into it all the time, sadly, but how do you get it? I want to put a couple behind a glass that says: In case of bowel incontinence, break glass! (And take these pills!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is her quality of life like? Can she walk? Go to the bathroom alone? Do you have a sibling who could take her in for a month or two to give you a break?

If siblings have no interest in taking a parent in, there is no need to ask. They set their boundary. OP mentions she could never put her mom in a home. There are places that offer housing for those with lower financial means too and my friend was surprised to find one that was recently built in her area and quite nice. Be careful about saying words like "never." It's a lot easier to visit someone and be cheerful and kind when she isn't in her your house 24-7. You don't want to do in your own health for mom's sake especially if you are already resentful.

Senior Daycare is an option as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never move a parent into your house… ever.

Over 55 communities are not nursing homes and they are amazing.

And they ... cost money. A lot of money. Not everyone can afford that.

OP, I'm sorry for how hard this is. My mother is 80 and in great health, physically and mentally. I have no idea how long she will live (her parents lived into their early 90s).

I just know the next decade will be difficult, probably starting with something sudden. And she has not made any real plans.

People need to plan for that. It was much cheaper for my mom to move to an over 55 community than to stay in the family home.

[Anonymous]

If there is no money for a private home, she goes into a government facility and spends own her assets.

Visit, OP. Some of them aren't bad at all.

Stop being a martyr and put yourself first for a change. You only have one life, and there is no guarantee anyone will look after you when you're that age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I like the Fentanyl idea. Kids get into it all the time, sadly, but how do you get it? I want to put a couple behind a glass that says: In case of bowel incontinence, break glass! (And take these pills!)

My friend in San Francisco got a prescription for her dad and they chose a day to end things.

[Anonymous]

spends down her assets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Which of course she has no control over how long she lives (now 89) but did you ever feel that people shouldn’t live that long? I don’t want to live that long.

I’m 61, give me +|- 20 years I’m good. My husband and I became parents late in life. We still have 3 teens at home, the two girls are wiping me out emotionally, physically, and sometime financially. I have no energy for my mother living with us, I can barely talk to her. I have no energy, nor desire. I feel so guilty.

Sometimes, I feel resentful she’s here but we can’t afford a nursing home plus I would never feel comfortable putting her in one. I hate looking at her, I want to only remember her a certain way, certain age.

I feel terrible but I don’t think we were meant to live this long. Do you want to live that long? What for?

No, because I am not a terrible person. Who are you to judge how long a person should live?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never move a parent into your house… ever.

Over 55 communities are not nursing homes and they are amazing.

And they ... cost money. A lot of money. Not everyone can afford that.

OP, I'm sorry for how hard this is. My mother is 80 and in great health, physically and mentally. I have no idea how long she will live (her parents lived into their early 90s).

I just know the next decade will be difficult, probably starting with something sudden. And she has not made any real plans.

People need to plan for that. It was much cheaper for my mom to move to an over 55 community than to stay in the family home.

God bless my Mom!!! My dad passed away from terminal cancer at 76. My mom was 73. They had been in the family home for 50 years. They kept it up well, renovated, great condition.

She had worked as a nurse and head administrator at assisted living facilities in the area and her own mother used to tell her don't wait too long to move into an over-55.

My mom is 79. Bought a 2-bedroom condo at a very nice over-55 that has assisted living on site if the time comes. She is incredibly active and young looking (people place her late 60s). But, she's realistic she turns 80 in October. She sold the house this summer, did all of the painful down-sizing and sorting through 50 years of 'stuff'. It was very emotional and incredibly draining and she keeps saying she can't imagine doing this any older than she is. She has a few friends from the neighborhood (same age) that are still waiting to move 'not ready' and it is going to get ugly.

It's a gift you give your children--having all your sh*t in order and not burdening them. My mom is my total role model now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never move a parent into your house… ever.

Over 55 communities are not nursing homes and they are amazing.

And they ... cost money. A lot of money. Not everyone can afford that.

OP, I'm sorry for how hard this is. My mother is 80 and in great health, physically and mentally. I have no idea how long she will live (her parents lived into their early 90s).

I just know the next decade will be difficult, probably starting with something sudden. And she has not made any real plans.

People need to plan for that. It was much cheaper for my mom to move to an over 55 community than to stay in the family home.

God bless my Mom!!! My dad passed away from terminal cancer at 76. My mom was 73. They had been in the family home for 50 years. They kept it up well, renovated, great condition.

She had worked as a nurse and head administrator at assisted living facilities in the area and her own mother used to tell her don't wait too long to move into an over-55.

My mom is 79. Bought a 2-bedroom condo at a very nice over-55 that has assisted living on site if the time comes. She is incredibly active and young looking (people place her late 60s). But, she's realistic she turns 80 in October. She sold the house this summer, did all of the painful down-sizing and sorting through 50 years of 'stuff'. It was very emotional and incredibly draining and she keeps saying she can't imagine doing this any older than she is. She has a few friends from the neighborhood (same age) that are still waiting to move 'not ready' and it is going to get ugly.

It's a gift you give your children--having all your sh*t in order and not burdening them. My mom is my total role model now.

This is so true! Your mom is awesome and a role model. My mother is too special to downsize and move. She barely worked ever and has been retired from part time for decades. She just feels sorry for herself her days of fancy travel are over. Without dad she takes out anger on me and complains I don’t cater to her. She has never been a helper type and she burns through friends and family with her entitlement. It’s so sad. Endless free time, lots of money and all she does is rain on hard working folks’ parades.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I like the Fentanyl idea. Kids get into it all the time, sadly, but how do you get it? I want to put a couple behind a glass that says: In case of bowel incontinence, break glass! (And take these pills!)

This was a plot point in the novel/movie Still Alice. She stashes pills away and makes a video for herself to watch when she can no longer answer certain questions on her phone. Julianne Moore won the Oscar for Best Actress for her portrayal of the Alzheimer's patient.

[Anonymous]

And yet everyone on DCUM is constantly badgering people about their health habits, lest you die before you're 110.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Which of course she has no control over how long she lives (now 89) but did you ever feel that people shouldn’t live that long? I don’t want to live that long.

I’m 61, give me +|- 20 years I’m good. My husband and I became parents late in life. We still have 3 teens at home, the two girls are wiping me out emotionally, physically, and sometime financially. I have no energy for my mother living with us, I can barely talk to her. I have no energy, nor desire. I feel so guilty.

Sometimes, I feel resentful she’s here but we can’t afford a nursing home plus I would never feel comfortable putting her in one. I hate looking at her, I want to only remember her a certain way, certain age.

I feel terrible but I don’t think we were meant to live this long. Do you want to live that long? What for?

Um, so why did you have kids so old if you don't think it wise to live past 85? Your kids will not have reached middle age by the time you die, if you get your wish.