Too tired to care for my mom, who wants to live onto her mid 90’s…

[Anonymous]

Which of course she has no control over how long she lives (now 89) but did you ever feel that people shouldn’t live that long? I don’t want to live that long.

I’m 61, give me +|- 20 years I’m good. My husband and I became parents late in life. We still have 3 teens at home, the two girls are wiping me out emotionally, physically, and sometime financially. I have no energy for my mother living with us, I can barely talk to her. I have no energy, nor desire. I feel so guilty.

Sometimes, I feel resentful she’s here but we can’t afford a nursing home plus I would never feel comfortable putting her in one. I hate looking at her, I want to only remember her a certain way, certain age.

I feel terrible but I don’t think we were meant to live this long. Do you want to live that long? What for?

[Anonymous]

I 100% agree with you that we weren’t meant to live that long. I also completely sympathize with your feelings. The idea of having to take care of my mom scares the bejezzus out of me. However, how long she lives isn’t up to you or her. It will be what it is. There’s nothing to be gained by having anger at her for wanting to live longer.

[Anonymous]

What is her quality of life like? Can she walk? Go to the bathroom alone? Do you have a sibling who could take her in for a month or two to give you a break?

[Anonymous]

Yeah the problem is we manage to keep people physically alive but unable to fully function. This type of medical care is completely unethical.

[Anonymous]

Never move a parent into your house… ever.

Over 55 communities are not nursing homes and they are amazing.

[Anonymous]

My mom is 85 and has very cheerful dementia.

I thank heaven and earth that she does not have angry dementia, and she still basically knows who I am though she thinks I am 14.

But I miss my mom, the person I could have a conversation with. You can’t have talk about anything with someone that has no memory. My mom physically is here but that woman is just a shadow of my mom.

And she is so physically healthy. I fear she will live forever. I don’t think I can do this for another 10 years.

[Anonymous]

That sounds rough op. It sounds like she might not have any social outlet besides your family. Could she afford assisted living? A place where she’s have some peers to socialize with?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That sounds rough op. It sounds like she might not have any social outlet besides your family. Could she afford assisted living? A place where she’s have some peers to socialize with?

Her peers are probably all gone. It’s tough to outlive everyone. My grandmother is 93 and still lives alone in a big house. My sister and I visit all the time with our children.

Check and see what your state has to offer. Some states offer quite a bit of benefits because it saves the state the cost of a nursing home.

I’m sure your teenagers have friends who assume you’re the grandmother so get used to being the one who looks old to their children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is 85 and has very cheerful dementia.

I thank heaven and earth that she does not have angry dementia, and she still basically knows who I am though she thinks I am 14.

But I miss my mom, the person I could have a conversation with. You can’t have talk about anything with someone that has no memory. My mom physically is here but that woman is just a shadow of my mom.

And she is so physically healthy. I fear she will live forever. I don’t think I can do this for another 10 years.

If I get dementia, I am going to end things in a moment of lucidity. At some point I want to talk to my kids about it - when we are all much older. But hearing these stories about caring for parents with dementia, spending insane amounts of money to be looked after and not knowing who I am or who my family are. If you're lucky, you are cheerful. If you're not, then you're angry and unhappy. Forget it. My maternal grandmother had relatively early onset Alzheimer's. I never knew her well because of it. But over the years I watched her go from semi-lucid to mentally not there at all. My mother would cry when she remembered how vibrant she was. I don't want that for anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Never move a parent into your house… ever.

Over 55 communities are not nursing homes and they are amazing.

And they ... cost money. A lot of money. Not everyone can afford that.

OP, I'm sorry for how hard this is. My mother is 80 and in great health, physically and mentally. I have no idea how long she will live (her parents lived into their early 90s).

I just know the next decade will be difficult, probably starting with something sudden. And she has not made any real plans.

[Anonymous]

Guys I hate to break it to you but it’s actually really hard to kill yourself. My sibling is a psychiatrist and she says it’s very hard to kill yourself with pills. If you try to shoot yourself, you might just wind up disabled or brain dead. Same for jumping.

[Anonymous]

My mom lived to 98. I always felt like she willed herself to live a long time. Not sure it's possible but if it is, she did. The opposite of someone who gives up.

She had a decent quality of life as her mind was very sharp and she was a happy person, but she was almost totally blind from macular degeneration (which meant she couldn't see her food to put it on a fork, etc., among other things) and had mobility problems. I felt more relief when she died than I did grief. I loved her and appreciated her, but during the last year or two, it was getting hard. It's just a lot, no matter what your involvement is or how much care you provide. There is so much involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Which of course she has no control over how long she lives (now 89) but did you ever feel that people shouldn’t live that long? I don’t want to live that long.

I’m 61, give me +|- 20 years I’m good. My husband and I became parents late in life. We still have 3 teens at home, the two girls are wiping me out emotionally, physically, and sometime financially. I have no energy for my mother living with us, I can barely talk to her. I have no energy, nor desire. I feel so guilty.

Sometimes, I feel resentful she’s here but we can’t afford a nursing home plus I would never feel comfortable putting her in one. I hate looking at her, I want to only remember her a certain way, certain age.

I feel terrible but I don’t think we were meant to live this long. Do you want to live that long? What for?

[/quote

I completely agree, OP. People are living too long these days. Don't feel bad for saying it or thinking it. It's true. It is too much of a burden for many of us, especially those who have to care for them. My dad and my FIL lived to 90 and my MIL is 91 and still going strong. I know many other people such as neighbors and parents of my friends who are 90 or older and still alive. Like you, I had my child late in life and resented having to juggle my child's needs and my elderly dad's needs at the same time. As much as we love our parents, when they pass it is often a relief.

Regarding how long I want to live for, I have noticed that with most of the super elderly I've known, they still have a zest for life and are somewhat in denial about how old they are. (I've concluded it's a protective behavior that makes aging more bearable for humans.) We may look at them and think to ourselves "How much longer can h/she possibly live?" but they don't see it that way. I suspect many of us will feel the same when we get to that age. I've started working on my mental acuity and physical strength now, in my 60s, so I can be as mentally and physically fit as possible in the event I do live to 90 and beyond. Hugs to you, OP. Many of us feel like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guys I hate to break it to you but it’s actually really hard to kill yourself. My sibling is a psychiatrist and she says it’s very hard to kill yourself with pills. If you try to shoot yourself, you might just wind up disabled or brain dead. Same for jumping.

Fentanyl.

[Anonymous]

OP, have you looked into adult daycare? They are less expensive than nursing homes, and sometimes free in certain contexts (e.g., community days). My grandma is 93 and the local senior center does a day where she can go get her hair done, a day she can go hear live music, etc. My other grandma has passed now but when she was alive my parents paid for her to go to a daycare several times a week and they had nice activities or would go on little trips.

The county may also offer other resources like respite care - a break for you, to refresh. Usually the local government has a website and phone line to connect you with resources.

It's hard, I'm sorry. But there are alternatives to doing everything yourself.