Wife is super rigid about showing up on time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not wanting to be late is normal, but running out to her parents house and leaving you and the child behind instead of just texting her folks that y’all would be late is definitely weird. What are her parents like? Do they seem like they’d flip if she was late?

This! I hate latecomers to restaurant reservations, the opera, and similar, but going over to your parents' house? That shouldn't be such a formal occasion that she's freaking out. Your wife needs to learn that not all events are the same. And I hope she's not showing up on the dot at parties!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you should have reversed the genders in your post if you wanted any sympathy here. Then everyone would have been piling on the rigid husband and MIL instead.

Maybe he did

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are on time, you are already late.

Military mindset.

For a casual family get-together? No.

[Anonymous]

I think what she did was ok as long as she was kind and understanding to you. It’s the belittling that bothers me. Obviously it’s both your responsibility to help you daughter and be patient with her as well. So one person coming later is not a big deal and probably a good thing to do so your daughter isn’t stressed and neither are the parents. But there has to be kindness and understanding with this decision.

[Anonymous]

Your wife is fed up because she cannot win. Either she's scolded for being late and disrespectful, and feels bad because she views herself as disrespectful, or she gets a guilt trip from you, Mr. Laid Back, for being "super rigid" and "not accommodating" that "things happen". And you probably didn't help at all with getting ready to leave on time either. She can be a good daughter or a good wife, but not both at once. This time she picked her parents. Too bad.

It's interesting that "life would have gone on" i.e. nobody's dead, is how low your bar is for how you treat others. And that you are capable of being on time when you have to face a consequence like losing your reservation, but when your family invites you over for dinner you see no problem with being rude and throwing off their cooking timeline. Your dismissive attitude towards your wife's concerns is why she is so fed up with you and your lateness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with your wife about late people being very disrespectful, however, in this case she could have phoned her parents to let them know that you were all going to be a bit late because your three year old was being difficult. If her family couldn’t understand that and empathize then there is something truly messed up going on.

Her family would likely suggest that she start getting ready earlier to account for behavior that is typical of a three year old. They won't think it's a good excuse, because it isn't.

So the next time they will. There can be leeway for toddlers. Sometimes people can’t get their shxx together. We are all human.

That's what disrespectful people say to excuse their behavior. Yes we are all human, but some of us are capable of being on time even though it requires an effort.

[Anonymous]

I leave DH sometimes when he’s running late. I’ll see that he’s behind and tell him that I’m leave at x time. If he’s not ready by then, he can meet me there. It’s so disrespectful to the host.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Team OP.

Have any of you ever lived with a 3 year old? They’re bonkers. Storming off to a family dinner because a 3 year old is hard to manage for a few minutes is lunacy.

Next time something like this happens, tell your wife to text her mother that you’ll be a few minutes late. And get her screened for anxiety. This is no way to live.

It’s also bad messaging to the child that they’re a nuisance. Not cool, mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with your wife about late people being very disrespectful, however, in this case she could have phoned her parents to let them know that you were all going to be a bit late because your three year old was being difficult. If her family couldn’t understand that and empathize then there is something truly messed up going on.

Her family would likely suggest that she start getting ready earlier to account for behavior that is typical of a three year old. They won't think it's a good excuse, because it isn't.

So the next time they will. There can be leeway for toddlers. Sometimes people can’t get their shxx together. We are all human.

That's what disrespectful people say to excuse their behavior. Yes we are all human, but some of us are capable of being on time even though it requires an effort.

I disagree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team OP.

Have any of you ever lived with a 3 year old? They’re bonkers. Storming off to a family dinner because a 3 year old is hard to manage for a few minutes is lunacy.

Next time something like this happens, tell your wife to text her mother that you’ll be a few minutes late. And get her screened for anxiety. This is no way to live.

It’s also bad messaging to the child that they’re a nuisance. Not cool, mom.

It's okay for children to learn that bad behavior has natural consequnces. And I think the wife was reasonable to keep her parents somewhat happy while leaving Mr. Laid Back to manage this totally forseeable problem. He can be as late as he wants, la di da!

[Anonymous]

It is very common for anxiety, even slight anxiety, to manifest in concern over being on time. I'm like your wife -- I cannot handle being late, it causes extreme anxiety for me. So I'm virtually always early unless something out of my control happens (the Metro stops, accident stops traffic on the highway, etc). This isn't going to change, just deal with; as far as anxiety is concerned, this is a relatively benign manifestation of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m someone who is very rigid about being on time… I’ll let it slide a bit sometimes, but absolutely not for my family. We are always the last to arrive at 5-10 minutes early and catch flack for that. I can’t imagine actually being late. I’d never hear the end of it.

That’s super toxic. Try not to pass the guilt trips onto your kids. Arriving on time is fine. Being reprimanded for not being early to a family gathering is not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m someone who is very rigid about being on time… I’ll let it slide a bit sometimes, but absolutely not for my family. We are always the last to arrive at 5-10 minutes early and catch flack for that. I can’t imagine actually being late. I’d never hear the end of it.

You realize this isn’t normal, right? In what other ways is your FOO abusive?

[Anonymous]

Clearly 15 mins is unrealistic. Change the out-the-door time to 30 mins and everyone can relax.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with your wife about late people being very disrespectful, however, in this case she could have phoned her parents to let them know that you were all going to be a bit late because your three year old was being difficult. If her family couldn’t understand that and empathize then there is something truly messed up going on.

Her family would likely suggest that she start getting ready earlier to account for behavior that is typical of a three year old. They won't think it's a good excuse, because it isn't.

Wow, sorry your family is so shitty. My mom would text back “you poor thing! I remember those days. Good luck and Godspeed. See you when you arrive, sweetie!”