Reply to In love with a cheater

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My husband is cheating on me. I’ve known for months and haven’t told anyone. I love my husband with every fiber of my being. I cannot leave. Leaving would hurt much more than staying. I doubt he will stop. I don’t want to break up our family, and in spite of his cheating i still care very much for him. I have to figure out a way to accept and pull through.[/quote]

You sound dormant.  You absolutely cannot accept this as your reality.  It is not healthy for you or your children.[/quote]

PP here. Stop it. Divorce does not fix this. It really does not. There is more to a marriage than sex. People who immediately jump to leaving do not understand that getting a divorce won’t fix the pain…and then she would be divorced and likely worse off in many ways. I am divorced. People should only divorce if they truly want to; if they are not happy in a marriage, they should leave. But leaving if you are generally happy but cheating happened, divorce can be the a worse outcome because you lose all components of marriage except one. Affairs do not usually last a long time.

I would not end a marriage over cheating if I was happy otherwise. I left my marriage beside it was a huge mistake and financially and emotionally abusive and I was never happy in it. Divorce can be a good outcome in this scenario. If someone is happy with married life, divorce is not always the better decision. [/quote]

+1 left a highly abusive marriage. In your situation, best course is to stay and wait it out until the AP realizes he will never leave and dumps him. If it’s serial infidelity that’s another story but if [b]it’s one person it’s a war of attrition. Can take years. Maybe even a decade or more.[/b][/quote]

Good God, those are years, even decades, when OP (or any betrayed spouse) could be living a real life of her own, and not living inside some "war of attrition" where the other person in that war, the AP, does not even know or care that the "war" is going on. This is just giving VAST power and agency over one's life to another person who does not care about your existence. And "winning" after years and years ends with what prize? A spouse who is used up by someone else? Who will still be thinking about and stewing over the now-lost AP? Fine prize to have but hey, you "saved the marriage" and "kept the family together" at the cost of your own soul and years of lost happiness and self-respect.

Wars of attrition aren't born out of actual love but out of a craving to "win" at all costs. What insane advice. [/quote]

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