Reply to Husband is hesitant to have kids and I don't know what to do

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This is OP. Thank you for the many kind replies.

My husband loves me and I’m certain that if I gave him an ultimatum or even just voiced my fears directly that he would give me what I want and agree to try. I know he would do that. He would do anything, literally anything, not to lose me.

But we both lose if I do that, don’t we? I guess I get the kid (maybe), but I have a co parent who doesn’t really want to be one.  [b]Or we spend years trying and my heart breaks as we do and all the while my husband secretly holds his breath and feels relief with every "not pregnant" test result or miscarriage. I think that would kill me.[/b] I just want him to want to build a family with me.

I guess I could take the gamble that once we have the baby and it’s real that he’ll fall in love with our child and be excited about fatherhood. That’s a hell of a risk though.

He has one close friend and one brother who have young kids. I don’t think proximity to them has helped or will help. The brother’s kids have varying degrees of scary health situations resulting from premature births. The kids are okay but my brother in law and his wife have really been through it. I’m sure that contributes to my husband’s hesitations. 
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OP you are missing a key component. The bolded you correctly identify as a potential bad outcome because it involves festering resentment. But the only outcome you did not talk in detail about above is what happens if you stay married and never try for children. That will ALSO result in resentment. Forcing yourself to sacrifice something of this import, against your will, will breed resentment.

You want him to be the person you thought you were marrying. If he doesn't want to have kids he is not that. But there is no putting this toothpaste back in the tube, you can't forget you wanted to be a mom. You don't talk about this outcome because I imagine it is one you think you can control, but if you squashed this down and became a less happy and less loving wife because of it, even incrementally, you would be depriving him of the opportunity to make choices about his own life. Him choosing to become a parent somewhat begrudgingly because he loves you so much that keeping you happy is important enough for him to take a leap, that is a choice he is entitled to make with his eyes wide open.

I think you are seeing the martyr path as the 'right' path because its the hardest for you and the easiest for everyone else. And I'm not saying that critically really I think women are trained to do that. But you deprive yourself, your husband and any of your future children the opportunity of fully living and choosing their own paths by choosing that road.  [/quote]

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