Reply to Husband is hesitant to have kids and I don't know what to do

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This is OP. Thank you for the many kind replies.

My husband loves me and I’m certain that if I gave him an ultimatum or even just voiced my fears directly that he would give me what I want and agree to try. I know he would do that. He would do anything, literally anything, not to lose me.

But we both lose if I do that, don’t we? I guess I get the kid (maybe), but I have a co parent who doesn’t really want to be one.  Or we spend years trying and my heart breaks as we do and all the while my husband secretly holds his breath and feels relief with every "not pregnant" test result or miscarriage. I think that would kill me. I just want him to want to build a family with me.

I guess I could take the gamble that once we have the baby and it’s real that he’ll fall in love with our child and be excited about fatherhood. That’s a hell of a risk though.

He has one close friend and one brother who have young kids. I don’t think proximity to them has helped or will help. The brother’s kids have varying degrees of scary health situations resulting from premature births. The kids are okay but my brother in law and his wife have really been through it. I’m sure that contributes to my husband’s hesitations. 
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1.  He knew going into this marriage that you wanted to children.  That matters here.
2.  A LOT of people, including women, voice a lot of the same fears that he is, but go on to be loving and wonderful parents.  
3.  I’d rather hold him to his commitment to your marriage which included the idea of children, and have children with him while you are still biologically able to,  than roll the dice and divorce and hope you can find and marry a quality guy in the next few years to try again with someone else.

He is welcome to divorce you if he feels strongly that he doesn’t want kids.

For me, this would be a complete deal breaker, and I strongly value the sanctity of marriage.  [/quote]

+1 to all of this. This was communicated early on OP, he knows you wanted this and it frankly, isn't something you can just completely go back on because you are a little scared to lose your independence. Most parents are worried about that, and go on to be loving and involved parents. It's ok to be scared, but not to the point that it completely changes all of your plans. It is a dealbreaker for many and you will have to communicate that in some way unless you TRULY can live with this which it doesn't sound like you could (I couldn't). Otherwise you will just be resentful the next 5 years and then end up divorced anyway because you've kept your feelings bottled up and you feel let down. [/quote]

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